joeblog

Fucking Dumbass.

Okay, time for a rant. Er, what do you mean all I DO is rant on this blog (Nasir?).
Warning: Obscene and highly warranted language follows.

Anyway, on my way to work this morning, I was crossing at a green light with a white “walk” symbol and some dim-witted fucking bitch almost ran me down with her SUV. When she finally sees me, she swerves, but TOWARD ME. She was making a left on a red light. She had Ontario plates. There was a really dull look on her face. Now, the last time I checked my driver’s manual (and I do so very rarely because, I know how to fucking drive) you do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, on this side of the globe, above the equator and Tropic of Cancer, TURN LEFT ON A FUCKING RED LIGHT.

I’ve always said, “There are no accidents. Just careless, half-witted, fuck-tards.”

Oddly, I had just been discussing why a co-worker was hobbling around on crutches for the last couple of months. Care to field a guess? She was hit by a car on these dumb-shit streets of Toronto. I can only say that to get a drivers’ license in this day and age, you should be subjected to testing as rigorous and demanding as a space shuttle or airline pilot. Really. You think I’m kidding? It will weed out all the shit-birds with half a brain and then, the more conscientious driving population can relax in the knowledge that if we get the dip-shits talking on cell phones, drinking booze, eating cereal (true story) or doing their fucking make-up off the road, they’ll get to where they’re going alive. The ones that fail the driving course can take public transit or walk.

I also think there needs to be zero tolerance laws in place for these assholes who are doing ANYTHING other than DRIVING. Do they not understand that a car is a weapon of destruction? It can KILL PEOPLE. It’s like walking around shooting a gun randomly into crowds and hoping it doesn’t hit anyone. And yet, car manufacturers seem to think it’s necessary to install KITT-like computer dashboard distractions like GPS and fucking DVD-Players. ARE YOU ALL STUPID?

If I were King of the Universe (and you are all god-damned lucky I am not) there would be laser-sharp, nuclear missile guidance systems installed on top of cameras on every highway and byway analyzing the drivers’ every fucking move. If they even look at the radio and take their eyes off the road, their vehicle and all the passengers within will be vaporized in a fiery ball of heat, while the rest of the drivers just roll over the ashes, their terrified eyes safely glued to the road and their minds sharply focused on the task they are charged with.

So let’s not be like Dummy the Dumbfuck, who nearly ruined my family’s and lover’s Christmas by running me over several times because she couldn’t find the fucking brake. Drive safe and have a Happy Holiday…

How not to get my attention…

Two things to start. I have wifi and I have an iPhone – as you may have surmised from previous bitching and whining. I’m thinking, with this magical pairing (rising above chocolate and peanut butter in my mind) I might want to use my iphone, to download apps and such at home and the office, with the benefit of this crazy wifi.

First things first. How does wifi work? Well, I am no expert, but I’m thinking that if I have a wireless router in my home, the iPhone, when switched to wifi mode – bypasses 3G and uses my paid internet connection to communicate with the outside world. (I am no expert as I’ve said, so correct me if this is either simplistic or completely off the wall). I think you know where I’m going here.

Next step. Ask Fido whether or not they charge for using a wifi connection – that isn’t theirs. The answer? Well, according to the knowledgeable CSR I queried, I would not be charged for data transfer if I am already using my PAID (capitals intentional) wifi setup as my entry point. [Insert ear-piercingly loud Evil Laugh here.] This is not the case. Even after scouring the web for backup research, I grew weary and watched re-runs of “Designing Women” instead.

Anyway, I decided to try a little experiment and keep an eye on my data usage with their wonderful little app. (Very useful by the way). It hit the 500 (approximately) MB point and there was this foolishly huge 100MB game I wanted to download. Thinking, oh I’ll save that 100MB for more important things on 3G, but willing to take the hit to prove my point, I waited until I was home and wifi was turned on and operational.

The very next morning, the 100MB was tacked on to my data. Now, unless I sleep-surf on the iPhone or my cat has managed to grow thumbs, this was the game hit I expected.

Is this a scam? Or am I dull in the ways of the interwebs and how it works? We shall see when I call Fido this week and ask them again. (Tip: it’s always good to waste your time calling a service provider several times until you get the answer you want. Some of these kids nowadays don’t give a shit about customer care…wah wah wahhhhh…)

Update: Speaking to a friend of mine he has told me about his experience with Rogers, which sounds a little hinkey to me, but if this is the case, is Apple to blame?

4:34:36 PM Wolfie-Pie: i actually called rogers about this myself
4:34:45 PM BuCkSaTaN: And?
4:34:49 PM BuCkSaTaN: What did they say?
4:35:54 PM Wolfie-Pie: apparently it’s an apple issue and not a rogers or whomever issue
4:36:16 PM Wolfie-Pie: at times even though your see the wifi icon and believe you are connected to wifi you actually may not
4:37:09 PM BuCkSaTaN: That’s ridiculous.
4:37:42 PM Wolfie-Pie: yep
4:38:41 PM Wolfie-Pie: he said the way to test it is walk in and out of wifi range and if it stalls then you really were on wifi but it doesn’t then you were actually on 3g
4:38:51 PM BuCkSaTaN: Seriously.
4:38:55 PM Wolfie-Pie: yeah exactly

Update: How wide is your anus? Because Fido/Rogers loves to ram it in deep.

I’ve called and asked about how I know whether or not I’m getting dinged for data charges when I use my iPhone at home on my wifi setup.

Fido: It’s not their problem – it’s Apple’s.

I ask how much it is to upgrade to the iPhone 4. (I’ve been with them for a year – since Oct 2009.) The CSR tells me I won’t be eligible for their “reduced rate” pricing until May 2012.

I say, “Are you kidding?” No. He is not kidding.

The CSR says, if I want to upgrade now, it’ll cost me 600+ dollars – almost 700 dollars to upgrade my phone with fido. A PHONE. You know, I am so incredulous at how stupid we are as human beings, I have to say it again… A PHONE.

I say, “Wow. That’s a lot of money. Are you sure?” Yes. He is sure.

He then explains, well, you could give your iPhone 3GS to a third party, then get a minimum plan of 25 a month with data (anywhere from 30-80 dollars a month I imagine), then get yourself an iPhone 4 for the NEW CUSTOMER INTRO PRICE  of … are you ready for this? $169. Then if I put my Fido dollars on it (currently, 70 dollars or so) that comes off of it for a grand total of $99 dollars.

How does this make any fucking sense to anyone but Fido? They treat the fresh meat like good chums and spit in the face of a customer that’s been paying them 100+ dollars a month for a year. Hmm.

Yes sir, may I please have another?

This mobile app shit has gotten out of hand.

With every asshole and his grandmother racing to get an iPhone app out there, for whatever reason, Scotiabank has decided to make their own. Well, yes, it looks nice and has an intuitive enough interface, but when it decided to transfer 700 dollars into the ether this morning, I had to warn you all not to use this bug-infested piece of shit software.

I tried to send 700 dollars to my girlfriend this morning and when it didn’t arrive, I went into their poorly coded website to see what was up. Clicking on “view or stop transfer” (why these two actions are grouped, I’ll never know) and here’s what I was greeted with:

Wow… imagine my shock. I send 700 dollars and the bank tells me that it doesn’t exist, nor did anyone get the transfer. Did it go into someone’s personal account? Perhaps one of the board of directors is going to use it for hookers and blow over the weekend. Whatever the case, I had to call Scotiabank immediately.

Of course I was connected with a last-nameless, faceless female CSR who sounded quite concerned about my problem. She had to “put me on hold” of course, because this problem was way above her head and I am sure these service reps have no computer permissions above the store hours and branch phone numbers. When she returned, she told me that I’d have to contact my girlfriend to get her account information so they could look into it further. Ah, no. No, that won’t be happening. Do they not have computer logs they can access to track the path the money took on their “secured mobile app”? I told her to get her monkey-handler on the phone. Now.

This guy comes on and explains it to me, properly – and now, you, dear reader can benefit from Scotia’s fuck up. The supervisor outlines the following:

1. They’ve hired a third-party company to code and manage the transactions for their app. (What? Really? I’d fire them. Ever heard of security, you fuck-twits? Beta-testing, even??)
2. They can put back the 700 dollars as they have a cute little service called an “emergency funds” replacement program. The problem with this is that they’ll take it back 24 hours later.
3. They have to go to the morons (programmers?) that are handling YOUR monetary transactions and get them to send the 700 dollars to Scotiabank, so Scotiabank can put it back in your account. (This is going to take 3 business days, they say.)

Okay. Is the bank strapped for cash or something? Do they not have 700 dollars they can give me – an innocent in all this – while they figure out their own fuck-up? Not only does the bank misplace 700 dollars (for 3 days, mind you), but they add insult to injury while they distrust me long enough to figure out how my money did indeed, disappear into their system.

Scotiabank… you’ve become the new TD. You better show me the money on Friday.

So, in conclusion, I would delete their app en masse folks. You cannot trust Scotiabank, a bank (!), with something as simple as a transfer.

UPDATE: Yes, my rant has actually garnered the interest of iPhone World and they have called Scotiabank, who have responded:

““Without the customer’s actual information we can’t look into the specifics of what happened in the experience that he outlines. We’d like the opportunity to do so and would urge him to contact us.

What I can tell you is that Scotiabank manages all transactions for our iPhone services and the information is not shared with any third party.

I can also tell you that our mobile banking service is protected by the highest security standards that allow us to offer a mobile security guarantee, which states our commitment to keeping customers’ accounts and financial information safe and secure through a number of measures that ensure the integrity of their transactions and account information.”
(From iPhone World)

Not to be a smart arse, but if their standards are so high (“ensuring the integrity of my transactions”), then how did $700 of my hard-earned dollars disappear like a stealth sub off the radar? Also, it seems a bit progressive of a bank, that probably still uses Windows 98 on most of their 486 PCs (as I have witnessed every time I go to beg for a loan), to have an in-house iPhone Development Team to handle their transactions, don’t you think? I mean, it only makes sense from a cost perspective to outsource these things. Their business is, after all, banking. Not iPhone development.

What exactly will Scotiabank do if I contact them, is my question. Will someone be fired for “spilling the beans” or will they just finally raise my monthly limit for withdrawal? Regardless of whether or not Scotiabank faces up to this odd glitch and fixes it, rather than just assuring you that their software is of the highest quality, I can’t, in good conscience, use their mobile app anymore for fear of having to waste time calling and waiting for another “refund” – or worse. (However, I received my cash back before 48 hours were up, so you all know.)

Anyway, enough of this, time to complain about Fido and the “Great Data Plan Debacle”. (Not as exciting as it sounds.)

One of the most annoying issues with Microsoft Excel is its’ inability, to my knowledge, to zoom in and out of a large document. Numbers, by Apple has rectified this problem with their own spreadsheet editor. Or have they?…

See, right there in the View menu, a lovely little zoom feature.

Now, given that I consider myself a “power-user”, whatever the fuck that means, I use “command-keys” rather than have to use my pen or mouse to go up to the top of the screen every time I want to do something. Cool! A zoom in and out key-command solution for both my prob—–

No. It brings up a preferences menu instead. Fuh-ail.

9:54:32 AM BuCkSaTaN: I hate the color picker on Flash… I don’t want the application colors you fucking chowderheads – and stop changing the hex code as I mouse over shit… I mean what the fuck.
9:55:44 AM Kirby: I have the same problem with apple applications.
9:55:56 AM Kirby: there is one for iPhone development that doesn’t let you enter a hex code.
9:56:04 AM Kirby: you get to pick form a palette of crayons.
9:56:07 AM BuCkSaTaN: haha
9:56:11 AM BuCkSaTaN: Yeah that’s in there for sure…

9:56:19 AM BuCkSaTaN: I need hex of course, so that’s out. What a stupid feature. Crayons. You chuckleheads, get it together. haha  How about plug-ins for the color palette… forget Pantone! Here’s swirling puke! Pick from numerous shades of vomit in our technicolor yawn add-on!

3:47:32 PM BuCkSaTaN: Hey – do you have a smoke effect for Flash anywhere?
3:48:18 PM Gjuddy McMudd: think so
3:48:29 PM BuCkSaTaN: Could you be a pal and email it to me?
3:50:45 PM Gjuddy McMudd: mmm…good question
3:53:20 PM Gjuddy McMudd: you need fire as well?
3:53:41 PM BuCkSaTaN: Nah, got fire… in fact I’ll send the thing I bought to you.
3:53:51 PM Gjuddy McMudd: I have fire
3:54:08 PM Gjuddy McMudd: ok, sent what I have…
3:55:20 PM BuCkSaTaN: This doesn’t look bad, but I am lazy.
3:55:20 PM BuCkSaTaN: http://www.pixelhivedesign.com/tutorials/Realistic+Flash+Smoke+Effect/
3:56:03 PM Gjuddy McMudd: ya, all that copy and paste…
3:56:47 PM Gjuddy McMudd: http://activeden.net/item/fire-and-smoke-fx/65551
3:56:53 PM Gjuddy McMudd: 6 bucks
3:56:59 PM Gjuddy McMudd: sample 3
3:57:17 PM Gjuddy McMudd: AS3
3:57:19 PM Gjuddy McMudd: though
3:57:29 PM BuCkSaTaN: WHAAAARAAARAFAYJDSFGSIUBNFGHDJGHP AS 3?!! Thanks man

[After checking out the smoke effect]

4:09:58 PM BuCkSaTaN: I mean thanks, but that is the worst looking smoke I’ve ever seen. I think I asked for this before… jesus.
4:10:01 PM BuCkSaTaN: You use that? Just look at that wee hurtin’ little fire.
4:28:00 PM Gjuddy McMudd: And no, I don’t use it. I only keep it around so I can send it to you when you ask me for a smoke effect.

Piece. Of. Shit.

UPDATE!!

Still. A. Piece. Of. Fucking. Shit.

11:52:37 AM BuCkSaTaN: Man… Whatever half-retarded idiot built the government websites needs their job taken away.
11:53:05 AM BuCkSaTaN: The mandate must have been; “Let’s see how broken and fucked up we can make this.”
11:53:24 AM Gjuddy McMudd: ya
11:54:40 AM BuCkSaTaN: Christ… I even call the phone number they’ve got and it’s BUSY. What is this? 1972??

3:57:43 PM BuCkSaTaN: http://vimeo.com/10149605
4:06:15 PM BuCkSaTaN: I can see why it won the Academy Award for best short this year.
4:06:22 PM Gjuddy McMudd: lookit this little wee site
4:06:23 PM Gjuddy McMudd: http://www.docmantech.com/index.asp
4:06:58 PM BuCkSaTaN: I send him an oscar winning short and he sends me a toilet paper roll.