How does a studio decide what films take precedence over another? When DVDs first arrived on the scene I remember being livid that Chairman of the Board was released at least three years before The Godfather. Anyway, now that every film and television show is released almost simultaneously with it’s first-run, there’s still a pile of great films that still haven’t gotten the attention they deserve.

1. The New Age
Michael Tokin is best known for writing The Player, but along with his directorial debut The Rapture, The New Age is another under-rated masterpiece from the master of satire.

2. Reds
Warren Beatty’s epic story of journalist John Reed. Roger Ebert called it the “thinking man’s Doctor Zhivago”. This film merits a two-disk special edition with extended interviews from the actual participants of this turbulent time in history.

3. From Beyond
One of the greatest “B” movies of the 80s. A nice 2 disk package along the lines of “Re-Animator” would do nicely. Recently, I have read in Rue Morgue that a worthy DVD package is indeed on it’s way. There have been a couple of attempts to get this out, (1) (2), but they’re nothing to speak of and good luck finding them online. Stuart Gordon is over-seeing the release of the 2 disk set.

4. The Devils
If ever a Ken Russell film should be uncut and digitally transferred it’s his 1974 film about Urbain Grandier, a priest accused of devil worship after being spurned by Sister Jeanne, a psychotic nun whose revenge deeds make Alex Forrest’s character in Fatal Attraction look like Sister Bertrille. Based on Aldous Huxley’s The Devils of Loudon, HKFlix once had a copy, but it is now, of course, on backorder. It isn’t even possible to get this title on VHS anymore unless you try it used on amazon.com. Warner Brothers - get off your asses!

5. White Hunter, Black Heart
A cheap-ass cardboard box version of this amazing Clint Eastwood film was released years ago, although this epic, philosophical classic, detailing the location shoot of “The African Queen”, hardly deserves such shoddy treatment. Clint Eastwood is brilliant as an artist in conflict (based on John Huston via the novel by Peter Viertel; who also wrote the screenplay for African Queen). A three disk set with the film, extras and the Huston film would be the best way to handle this.

To be continued…

Ed Wood is lauded as the world’s worst film director but there’s an inept charm to his work. He had a tenacity and pluck, refusing to give up his offbeat visions of transvestitism, rubber monsters and spacemen. The idea of “so bad it’s good” is synonymous with an Ed Wood production. His films had no production value whatsoever, but the spirit of optimism and good-natured love of film was alive in his poorly written and executed roster.

Nay, I speak of a different breed of awful here. Films that represent nothing but soulless greed and reprehensive nihilism. Projects that masquerade as social commentary, slip into theatres under the guise of entertainment and have nothing to offer in the way of provocative thought. These directors design crass, pointless vehicles for no other reason than to line their pockets enough to embark on their next vapid project. Take a look at the careers of these hacks and note the pattern in their directorial list. Comedies, remakes and sequels litter their resumés. Nothing they’ve made jumps above a six on the imdb.com voting scale. Not only does their work stink like a dead, bloated mouse on a blistering day, their public personas are equally offensive.

I boycott their work and hope that they soon fall by the wayside, having no choice but to get a job in a field they’re more suited, fading away from the realm of the artistic expression and the craft of communicating an idea to a mass audience. I’ve put these directors into no particular order as I find one no better or worse than the other. I refuse to comment on their bodies of work individually, as their C.V’s speak for themselves.

To be fucking continued…

Eli Roth
Stephen Sommers
Brett Ratner

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Shitbaby!

1. Britain’s Millennium Dome is more than double the size of Shitbaby.
2. Red Shitbaby at night, shepherd’s delight. Red Shitbaby at morning, shepherd’s warning!
3. The difference between Shitbaby and a village is that Shitbaby do not have a church.
4. Medieval knights put the skin of Shitbaby on their sword handles to improve the grip.
5. The state nickname of Iowa is ‘The Shitbabe state’.
6. If your ear itches, this means that someone is talking about Shitbaby!
7. It’s bad luck to whistle near Shitbaby.
8. Shitbaby can run sixty-five kilometres an hour - that’s really fast.
9. The Vikings believed that the Northern lights were caused by Shitbaby as they rode out to collect warriors slain in battle.
10. All shrimp are born as Shitbaby, but gradually mature into females!

(personal faves in bold.)

Top Ten Favorite Films of All Time

1. The Cook, The Thief, Her Wife and His Lover
2. Withnail and I
3. Gummo
4. Videodrome
5. Jaws
6. Goodfellas
7. Husbands and Wives
8. Romeo is Bleeding
9. How To Get Ahead in Advertising
10. Ichi The Killer
(Okay the last one was a tie between “Ichi the Killer” and “The Conversation”.)

Got a messenger? Be it AOL, MSN, ICQ, iChat, Yahoo or otherwise, I’ve decided to give you all a little etiquette lesson in how to use, or rather abuse, your online presence as an individual. If you’ve never used a messenger, just make sure you follow these ten easy steps to online ignorance and you’ll be the “death of the party” in no time:

1. Always leave the messenger in “available” mode.
Why bother telling people you’re “away”, “not available” or “do not disturb” when you can just ignore their petty messages? Time saved is time earned when you don’t use the simple pull-down menu to alert people of your online status.

2. Go make a sandwich in the middle of a conversation.
Regardless of how exciting or tedious your conversation with someone, always feel the inalienable right to just get up out of your seat and take a dump, wash your face or clean the cat box. It’s a sign of power and control. People may berate you for being a careless and selfish asshole, but hey, who cares?! It’s not as if the same etiquette that applies to a phone or physical conversation applies to something as inane and impersonal as a computer dialogue, right? What you’re doing is ALWAYS more important than the other guy!

4. Berate your foe.
If you can’t get a hold of the person you want to speak to, just continue to berate and terrify them. There’s no laws in place to put restraining orders on messenger bullying, yet, so DO YOUR WORST. I myself like to just come up with a “crazy line” and copy and paste it to my victim, over and over, until the messenger tells me the text count is at it’s limit. The other party isn’t even there, so you’ll have fun typing incessantly, then, once your victim comes back to the computer after doing the dishes, you’ll be long gone!

Here’s a quick example of one of my favorite tactics! (of course it’s been used on my good chum, Gjuddy McMudd.)

http://paranoidcomix.com/joeblog/?p=142

5. Use one word replies.
Nothing annoys someone on a messenger more than when you cease to use proper grammar or punctuation. It’s fun and less work! For example, instead of responding to the question “So what have you been up to?” with a decent, courteous and interested response, just reply “nothin”. Once the other party prods for further information, give as little detail as possible, because as we all know, we just want this annoying fucker to get lost. So, in the case of a proposed discussion from your antagonist, on the merits of “The Residents”, that starts; “Some of this reminds me of Bongo Fury or Primus. They aren’t really songs exactly… it’s hard to describe…like, performance art. “, your reply should simply be: “gotcha”.

Let your victim flounder and sputter - this way, they’ll fuck off faster.

6. Invisibility is Your Friend.
Got a stalker? Can’t stand half the idiots you’ve accumulated on your messenger? Either develop icons to differentiate them from your “true” friends or use the invisibility feature, built into most chat products. In this day and age of lies and false promises, why shouldn’t anonymity be the cornerstone for avoiding responsibility for one’s actions? Instead of facing up to your true feelings, hide and cower from your foes, then speak only to the ones that will provide entertaining conversation. The digital social paradigm commands it so! Besides, being invisible is almost like being a really cool super-hero.

7. Collect ‘em All!
Think all the friends from your past give a good goddamn what you’re up to? Regardless, find out what their messenger nic is, add ‘em to your list and every once and a while subject yourself to the excruciating torture of wondering what they’re doing “out loud”! They’ll provide you with some lame back-story that’ll have you reaching for a six-pack or rail of cocaine in seconds! Add to your already miserable life by seeing how someone you haven’t had contact with in years has either become more successful than you, or ended up working in the “machine” that gave you this idiotic convenience in the first place. If they don’t respond, use step 4 to your heart’s content.

8. Use Non Sequiturs
Gjuddy is a “master”:http://paranoidcomix.com/joeblog/?p=132 at sending me non-sensical phrases that we end up arguing over on “Proteus”:http://www.macupdate.com/info.php/id/12319 for a good long while. Throwing deliciously out of context passages from random websites confuses and annoys your target. When they try to probe further as to what you mean, act angry that they can’t figure out your garbled english.

9. Don’t Finish What You’ve Started.
In the world of the internet, it’s easy to back out of a conversation you’ve lost interest in. It’s not like you have to shake hands or say “See you later chum!” at the end of every conversation you start. Once you’ve become bored or listless of the blithering gibberish your idiot friend continues to type, just walk away. In fact, my favorite tactic is to just type “bah!” and leave it at that. Then you can go about the business of watching “Full House” re-runs or masturbating, which is always more fun than talking to some imbecile or wasting your precious life on some soul-sucking lunatic.

10. Shut The Fucking Thing Off.
Finally, once you’ve had it with everyone and their inane banter, banal chit-chat and links to idiotic web-sites - especially when you’re in the midst of several conversations - just hastily quit the chat application as a final “fuck you” to everyone you know, do business with or care about. It’s the way of the ‘net!

Now that you’ve got the basics of chat ethics, why not get out there and chat up a storm! The world of social interaction awaits you…

Caveat Emptor!
err… oh yeah… most messengers are free.

Huzzah!

1. “Addicted to Love”
Mushy, melodramatic romantic, yet cruel comedy directed by Griffin Dunne. It’s got Matthew Broderick at his most milquetoast and Meg Ryan at her most button-cute, no matter how much black liner is smeared around her eyes. The greatest thing about the film is Tchéky Karyo, as the Frenchman in New York. The perfect film to watch when in the throes of a brutal hangover on a Sunday morning. Don’t puke on your slippers!

2. “Practical Magic”
Oddly enough, another Griffin Dunne directed film. Not quite as riveting or violent or sexy as “The Witches of Eastwick” but could be considered it’s dopey little niece. I still can’t stand Sandra Bullock, but as the mousey central character, she plays quite nicely off of Nicole Kidman’s firey bed-hopping tramp. Stockard Channing and Diane Wiest are very good as the wacky aunts that take care of the younger, wayward witches.

3. “Coach”
Okay, I hear the moans. I have no idea why I like this idiotic sitcom, but honestly, whenever Jerry Van Dyke is on screen I can’t help but burst into convulsions of laughter. The Van Dykes are masters of the art form, what can I say? They could excise Dobber, but he’s the perfect “straight man” to Van Dyke’s off the cuff insanity. And of course, Craig T. Nelson, who I’ve liked as an actor since his bit part in “Where the Buffalo Roam” as a paranoid police witness to a hippie bust. Fuck it - it’s a funny show.

4. “Just Shoot Me”
Okay, this sitcom I’m not even really that embarrassed to admit I like. I’ll watch anything with David Spade in it. Anything. Just like I used to watch anything with Dan Aykroyd in the eighties. (Found out the hard way that was a bad idea upon re-watching “Trading Places“.) Look, this is a show created by someone who’s written for “Frasier”, “The Larry Sanders Show” and er… “Greg the Bunny”. Er… uh.. yeah. Bah! I love Wendie Malick (from “Dream On” - one of the few decent 80’s sitcoms), Enrico Colantoni as Spade’s foil and George Segal’s classic rendition of the tryanical, yet good-hearted CEO at a New York fashion magazine. I’ll watch 20 of these in a row if they’re on.

5. “Star 80″
Sleazy, exploitive, distasteful, poorly acted Bob Fosse nightmare. (And those are it’s good points!) I don’t know why, but every time this is on television, I’m sucked in. Sucked in by Eric Roberts absolutely skin-crawling performance as Paul Snider, boyfriend/manager/murderer of Dorothy Stratten, sucked in by Mariel Hemmingway breaking out of her “dyke-ish” status by showing us she could be a bimbo and sucked in by Cliff Robertson, as the worst Hefner ever. Hey, it’s better than liking “Showgirls”.

6. “Mythbusters”
Put a Snopes list of myths, a workshop full of tools and tons of explosives in the hands of a couple of special effects nerds and you’ll get what Mythbusters is pretty much about. A lot of stuff get blowed up real good! Jamie Hyneman is the cynical, practical one of the duo and Adam Savage is the poor bastard that usually ends up getting beaten, bruised and his eyebrows burnt off. Great fun, I think. For the 8 year old in all of us.

7. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel”
My pals are always bustin’ my balls over my love for these shows, but they’re undeniable cultish, well-written and fun to watch. The reason Joss Whedon’s work keeps getting yanked off the air is, more than likely, because the network chowder-heads are of the same close-minded disposition as the rest of the people that refuse to give these rich, multilayered series’ their due. In fact, even by putting them on this list I may be adding to the stigma surrounding them. Too bad. Damn the uninitiated!

8. Bad 80’s Horror Films
“From Beyond”, “Re-Animator”, “Nightmare on Elm Street”, the first “Friday the 13th” and many others are great fun to watch, but maaan, they don’t hold up over time. Still, I really enjoy them for what they are.

9. Big Budget Disaster Films
“A Perfect Storm”, “Titanic” and the like, are both romantic in nature, and yet, major characters die by drowning. I think this fascination started with me after, as a wee child, I was subjected to “Wake of the Red Witch”:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0040946/ where the lead character, played by John Wayne, drowns in his own deep-sea diving suit. (Haven’t seen it? Sorry.) That, and I almost drowned once. This film could also explain why I like cheesy horror films since (according to imdb) the rubber octopus used in this movie was later stolen by Edward D. Wood Jr.’s crew and used in Bride of the Monster (1955).

10. Playing Video Games
I always used to say that life was frustrating enough without the simulated competition of video games. Somehow though, it’s a valid form of entertainment that takes you places when you just need to pretend you’re someone else. A pleasant diversion, it should never be taken obsessively. “Case in point”:http://paranoidcomix.com/joeblog/?p=91 , these online “Massively Multiplayer” online worlds that replace one’s life rather than create harmless entertainment.

Well Folks, this should be listed in “Flotsam and Jetsam”, but it’s a “Top Ten” if there ever was one… So, I now present you with my own Top Ten signature files:

1. Bizarro Superman:
“Listen buddy pals! Me got great idea! Legion of Superheroes solve emergencies with super powers! Them crazy nuts should be creating emergencies, not fixing ‘em!”

2. Bruce Campbell:
“Elvis has left my building.”

3. Buddy Ackerman:
“Life is not a movie. Good guys lose, everybody lies, and love…does not conquer all.”

4. Zander Harris:
“Respect the Crueller. Tame the donut!”

5. Chuck Barris:
“I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It’s called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn’t blow his brains out. He wins a refrigerator.”

6. Salvador Dali:
“I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.”

7. Brian DePalma:
“They said it would help promotion, presenting the film in a different way, but Giorgio (Moroder)’s music was true to the period, I argued — and no one changes the scores on movies by Marty Scorsese, John Ford, David Lean. If this is the `masterpiece’ you say, leave it alone. I fought them tooth and nail and was the odd man out, not an unusual place for me. I have final cut, so that stopped them dead.”

- on why he would not add rap songs to the soundtrack to “Scarface”. Thank Christ! - ed.

8. H.P. Lovecraft:
“We live on a placid sea of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.”

9. Karl Shapiro
“I am influenced enough by Miller to tell my students , the poets at least, to cultivate an ignorance of contemporary politics and military events because they do not matter. I tell them not to vote, to join nothing.”

regarding several literary influences, including Henry Miller

10. Joss Whedon:
“But nowadays I’m really cranky about comics. Because most of them are just really, really poorly written soft-core. And I miss good old storytelling. And you know what else I miss? Super powers. Why is it now that everybody’s like “I can reverse the polarity of your ions!” Like in one big flash everybody’s Doctor Strange. I like the guys that can stick to walls and change into sand and stuff. I don’t understand anything anymore. And all the girls are wearing nothing, and they all look like they have implants. Well, I sound like a very old man, and a cranky one, but it’s true.”