How does a studio decide what films take precedence over another? When DVDs first arrived on the scene I remember being livid that Chairman of the Board was released at least three years before The Godfather. Anyway, now that every film and television show is released almost simultaneously with it’s first-run, there’s still a pile of great films that still haven’t gotten the attention they deserve.

1. The New Age
Michael Tokin is best known for writing The Player, but along with his directorial debut The Rapture, The New Age is another under-rated masterpiece from the master of satire.

2. Reds
Warren Beatty’s epic story of journalist John Reed. Roger Ebert called it the “thinking man’s Doctor Zhivago”. This film merits a two-disk special edition with extended interviews from the actual participants of this turbulent time in history.

3. From Beyond
One of the greatest “B” movies of the 80s. A nice 2 disk package along the lines of “Re-Animator” would do nicely. Recently, I have read in Rue Morgue that a worthy DVD package is indeed on it’s way. There have been a couple of attempts to get this out, (1) (2), but they’re nothing to speak of and good luck finding them online. Stuart Gordon is over-seeing the release of the 2 disk set.

4. The Devils
If ever a Ken Russell film should be uncut and digitally transferred it’s his 1974 film about Urbain Grandier, a priest accused of devil worship after being spurned by Sister Jeanne, a psychotic nun whose revenge deeds make Alex Forrest’s character in Fatal Attraction look like Sister Bertrille. Based on Aldous Huxley’s The Devils of Loudon, HKFlix once had a copy, but it is now, of course, on backorder. It isn’t even possible to get this title on VHS anymore unless you try it used on amazon.com. Warner Brothers – get off your asses!

5. White Hunter, Black Heart
A cheap-ass cardboard box version of this amazing Clint Eastwood film was released years ago, although this epic, philosophical classic, detailing the location shoot of “The African Queen”, hardly deserves such shoddy treatment. Clint Eastwood is brilliant as an artist in conflict (based on John Huston via the novel by Peter Viertel; who also wrote the screenplay for African Queen). A three disk set with the film, extras and the Huston film would be the best way to handle this.

To be continued…

Yeppers, it’s time for another vent session of societal irritations brought on by the rest of the status quo. I’ve just got a real problem with stupidity. The human animal is the only creature on earth that does things for no good reason. Stupidity – even in myself – drives me to the point of distraction. Anyway, here’s today’s rant:

1. Dump Buddies
Nothing is more disgusting than walking into a public or office washroom while some other guy is stinkin’ up the place after a luncheon of greazy pub food or vegetarian health medley. This, in itself is tolerable, I suppose as I would never suggest for a second that one of our bodily functions is off-limits in the corporate environment. What does offend me to no end is when I am in there and some chucklehead decides to take a seat directly beside my stall to do his own thing. Look, when I need to take a dump and someone else is already in a two-man stall, the last thing I want to do is sit beside the guy and breathe in his waste. I’m turning heel and either finding another washroom in the building or going somewhere else entirely to take care of business.

2. “Trick” First Person Shooter Banner Ads
It’s quite mind boggling to me that there’s an office of graphic bozos sitting around cranking out these inane little one shot “trick” banners to lure brain-dead, illiterate morons to their little bauble scams. It almost triggers my gag reflex when I think of the pathetic methods that these “businessmen” are willing to stoop to to get some poor soul to purchase their junk. It’s basically a Flash banner with a “shooting gallery” animation on it. Be it ducks, floating Paris Hilton heads or plumbers, you must “try” and click on one of them – of course, the joke is on you, dear user, since anywhere you click on this aberration will take you to the advertised site regardless of your “skill”. P.T. Barnum is still alive and well online.

3. Devil’s Advocates
People who will disagree with you regardless of what their true opinion is. No matter what you ask this asshole, they will always find a way to turn it around to the opposite argument. They’d prefer to be contradictory by appointment of death before they’d agree with you. Ask a question along the lines of “Do you think the color of that dog is black?” and they’ll be quick to point out that the dog is “more of a muted grey and besides, black is, in reality, “absence of color”.

4. Cobweb Sites
Corporations with ill-conceived, pooorly managed websites that just sit there year after year because they neither have the time to fix them, or refuse to release budgets for. For example, a good percent of the North American population has been sucking at the media teat of www.rogers.com for the last 15 years. Just look at their excuse for a website! I went in to try and set up online billing and upgrade my mobile phone account and it was literally laughable (granted it was frustrated maniacal laughter, but still…). I was asked for my login information everytime I clicked on a service in the left menu, couldn’t figure out their insane navigation and almost burst a temple vein when I tried to retrieve a forgotten password. I finally had a nice chap in tech support do it for me. BooooOO, to this burned out crap-house of advertising. Ah nevermind guys… just slap another bumper sticker on the lemon, it’ll last another year or two!

[In fact, Rogers has since retrofitted their old site with a more glossy front-end, but don't let that fool you - you'll still hit old pages they were too lazy or incompetent to update every once and a while - the guts of the members' pages for example. And besides, I am no longer a customer. Huzzah!]

5. Jerks who Criticize Websites
You know what really burns my toast? Loudmouth yahoos who think that just because they have a computer or are “in the industry” they can go around criticizing other websites. Geez! It ain’t easy to put together these things you know. Well okay, installing this blog with Fantastico on cPanel was a breeze, but I’m talking about other websites that say, corporations or the average schmoe put together. The thing that gets me the most is when they actually email the company or person and try to tell them what they’re doing wrong! As if one person’s opinion is going to make or break a “by committee” machine already in motion. Jerks.

6. Truck Drivers
Shitheads that leave a two-ton dump truck idling outside while they wander off and do god knows what. This usually occurs anywhere from 5-7AM while you’re in the midst of getting those last couple of hours in before dragging your ass into work. Given the gas prices these days this kind of behavior is outrageous, not to mention the pollution belching out of the back of these tanks. I like to go down and stand by the back of the rig and have a smooth, relaxing menthol while I wait for the bonehead driver to return, then quietly ask him why he’s disturbed me so.

7. City Somnambulists
Whether you’re in the midst of a good stride in the bowels of the subway or shopping in your favorite department store, you’ll recognize these zoned-out bubble-heads. You can’t miss them. They’re right in your face. (Well, the back of their heads are anyway.) The metaphorical gist of Romero’s zombie films slams itself across the back of your neck like the Manhattan phone directory when confronted with the shuffling, indecision of these sleepwalking bozos. Once you’re caught behind these drooling, dull-eyed meat sacks, your stride slackens. No matter where you turn, they block your way! Now, you too, are one of the WALKING DEAD! Uhhhhhhggnnn!

8. Beach Flip-Flops
I have a real issue with flip flops, sandals or any other flat, slip-on footwear. Actually, let me amend that. I have a problem with this type of footwear on the concrete streets of the city! I also can’t stomach Birkenstocks and those cheap, ugly-ass, velcro-strap sandals that I see every flat-top, child-towing, hockey-fan, bumper-sticker slappin’ cement-head wearing around town. Bargain-bin crap from your local Zellers. Good god, what compels people to purchase and where these gaudy pontoons? No matter, every last pair should be rounded up and shot into space.

9. Companies that ask you if you want to make it easier on yourself by providing them with your bank account information for direct withdrawal.
Yeah. Right.

10. Trendy Restaurants
Trendy Frou Frou diners or restaurants who muck with simple dishes. For example, something as time honored and simple as chicken noodle soup. Noodles and chicken base is just fine – why the need to add in onions, celery, cilantro and a myriad of other needless spices and veggies? Once they’ve destroyed a time-honored classic, they can then charge you $8.50 for it. Foolish.

Well, that’s it for today folks. Thanks for reading. Don’t like my wingeing? No problem, just post a comment so I can review your inane opinion and delete it.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Shitbaby!

1. Britain’s Millennium Dome is more than double the size of Shitbaby.
2. Red Shitbaby at night, shepherd’s delight. Red Shitbaby at morning, shepherd’s warning!
3. The difference between Shitbaby and a village is that Shitbaby do not have a church.
4. Medieval knights put the skin of Shitbaby on their sword handles to improve the grip.
5. The state nickname of Iowa is ‘The Shitbabe state’.
6. If your ear itches, this means that someone is talking about Shitbaby!
7. It’s bad luck to whistle near Shitbaby.
8. Shitbaby can run sixty-five kilometres an hour – that’s really fast.
9. The Vikings believed that the Northern lights were caused by Shitbaby as they rode out to collect warriors slain in battle.
10. All shrimp are born as Shitbaby, but gradually mature into females!

(personal faves in bold.)

Top Ten Favorite Films of All Time

1. The Cook, The Thief, Her Wife and His Lover
2. Withnail and I
3. Gummo
4. Videodrome
5. Jaws
6. Goodfellas
7. Husbands and Wives
8. Romeo is Bleeding
9. How To Get Ahead in Advertising
10. Ichi The Killer
(Okay the last one was a tie between “Ichi the Killer” and “The Conversation”.)

Got a messenger? Be it AOL, MSN, ICQ, iChat, Yahoo or otherwise, I’ve decided to give you all a little etiquette lesson in how to use, or rather abuse, your online presence as an individual. If you’ve never used a messenger, just make sure you follow these ten easy steps to online ignorance and you’ll be the “death of the party” in no time:

1. Always leave the messenger in “available” mode.
Why bother telling people you’re “away”, “not available” or “do not disturb” when you can just ignore their petty messages? Time saved is time earned when you don’t use the simple pull-down menu to alert people of your online status.

2. Go make a sandwich in the middle of a conversation.
Regardless of how exciting or tedious your conversation with someone, always feel the inalienable right to just get up out of your seat and take a dump, wash your face or clean the cat box. It’s a sign of power and control. People may berate you for being a careless and selfish asshole, but hey, who cares?! It’s not as if the same etiquette that applies to a phone or physical conversation applies to something as inane and impersonal as a computer dialogue, right? What you’re doing is ALWAYS more important than the other guy!

4. Berate your foe.
If you can’t get a hold of the person you want to speak to, just continue to berate and terrify them. There’s no laws in place to put restraining orders on messenger bullying, yet, so DO YOUR WORST. I myself like to just come up with a “crazy line” and copy and paste it to my victim, over and over, until the messenger tells me the text count is at it’s limit. The other party isn’t even there, so you’ll have fun typing incessantly, then, once your victim comes back to the computer after doing the dishes, you’ll be long gone!

Here’s a quick example of one of my favorite tactics! (of course it’s been used on my good chum, Gjuddy McMudd.)

http://paranoidcomix.com/joeblog/?p=142

5. Use one word replies.
Nothing annoys someone on a messenger more than when you cease to use proper grammar or punctuation. It’s fun and less work! For example, instead of responding to the question “So what have you been up to?” with a decent, courteous and interested response, just reply “nothin”. Once the other party prods for further information, give as little detail as possible, because as we all know, we just want this annoying fucker to get lost. So, in the case of a proposed discussion from your antagonist, on the merits of “The Residents”, that starts; “Some of this reminds me of Bongo Fury or Primus. They aren’t really songs exactly… it’s hard to describe…like, performance art. “, your reply should simply be: “gotcha”.

Let your victim flounder and sputter – this way, they’ll fuck off faster.

6. Invisibility is Your Friend.
Got a stalker? Can’t stand half the idiots you’ve accumulated on your messenger? Either develop icons to differentiate them from your “true” friends or use the invisibility feature, built into most chat products. In this day and age of lies and false promises, why shouldn’t anonymity be the cornerstone for avoiding responsibility for one’s actions? Instead of facing up to your true feelings, hide and cower from your foes, then speak only to the ones that will provide entertaining conversation. The digital social paradigm commands it so! Besides, being invisible is almost like being a really cool super-hero.

7. Collect ‘em All!
Think all the friends from your past give a good goddamn what you’re up to? Regardless, find out what their messenger nic is, add ‘em to your list and every once and a while subject yourself to the excruciating torture of wondering what they’re doing “out loud”! They’ll provide you with some lame back-story that’ll have you reaching for a six-pack or rail of cocaine in seconds! Add to your already miserable life by seeing how someone you haven’t had contact with in years has either become more successful than you, or ended up working in the “machine” that gave you this idiotic convenience in the first place. If they don’t respond, use step 4 to your heart’s content.

8. Use Non Sequiturs
Gjuddy is a “master”:http://paranoidcomix.com/joeblog/?p=132 at sending me non-sensical phrases that we end up arguing over on “Proteus”:http://www.macupdate.com/info.php/id/12319 for a good long while. Throwing deliciously out of context passages from random websites confuses and annoys your target. When they try to probe further as to what you mean, act angry that they can’t figure out your garbled english.

9. Don’t Finish What You’ve Started.
In the world of the internet, it’s easy to back out of a conversation you’ve lost interest in. It’s not like you have to shake hands or say “See you later chum!” at the end of every conversation you start. Once you’ve become bored or listless of the blithering gibberish your idiot friend continues to type, just walk away. In fact, my favorite tactic is to just type “bah!” and leave it at that. Then you can go about the business of watching “Full House” re-runs or masturbating, which is always more fun than talking to some imbecile or wasting your precious life on some soul-sucking lunatic.

10. Shut The Fucking Thing Off.
Finally, once you’ve had it with everyone and their inane banter, banal chit-chat and links to idiotic web-sites – especially when you’re in the midst of several conversations – just hastily quit the chat application as a final “fuck you” to everyone you know, do business with or care about. It’s the way of the ‘net!

Now that you’ve got the basics of chat ethics, why not get out there and chat up a storm! The world of social interaction awaits you…

Caveat Emptor!
err… oh yeah… most messengers are free.

Huzzah!

1. “Addicted to Love”
Mushy, melodramatic romantic, yet cruel comedy directed by Griffin Dunne. It’s got Matthew Broderick at his most milquetoast and Meg Ryan at her most button-cute, no matter how much black liner is smeared around her eyes. The greatest thing about the film is Tchéky Karyo, as the Frenchman in New York. The perfect film to watch when in the throes of a brutal hangover on a Sunday morning. Don’t puke on your slippers!

2. “Practical Magic”
Oddly enough, another Griffin Dunne directed film. Not quite as riveting or violent or sexy as “The Witches of Eastwick” but could be considered it’s dopey little niece. I still can’t stand Sandra Bullock, but as the mousey central character, she plays quite nicely off of Nicole Kidman’s firey bed-hopping tramp. Stockard Channing and Diane Wiest are very good as the wacky aunts that take care of the younger, wayward witches.

3. “Coach”
Okay, I hear the moans. I have no idea why I like this idiotic sitcom, but honestly, whenever Jerry Van Dyke is on screen I can’t help but burst into convulsions of laughter. The Van Dykes are masters of the art form, what can I say? They could excise Dobber, but he’s the perfect “straight man” to Van Dyke’s off the cuff insanity. And of course, Craig T. Nelson, who I’ve liked as an actor since his bit part in “Where the Buffalo Roam” as a paranoid police witness to a hippie bust. Fuck it – it’s a funny show.

4. “Just Shoot Me”
Okay, this sitcom I’m not even really that embarrassed to admit I like. I’ll watch anything with David Spade in it. Anything. Just like I used to watch anything with Dan Aykroyd in the eighties. (Found out the hard way that was a bad idea upon re-watching “Trading Places“.) Look, this is a show created by someone who’s written for “Frasier”, “The Larry Sanders Show” and er… “Greg the Bunny”. Er… uh.. yeah. Bah! I love Wendie Malick (from “Dream On” – one of the few decent 80′s sitcoms), Enrico Colantoni as Spade’s foil and George Segal’s classic rendition of the tryanical, yet good-hearted CEO at a New York fashion magazine. I’ll watch 20 of these in a row if they’re on.

5. “Star 80″
Sleazy, exploitive, distasteful, poorly acted Bob Fosse nightmare. (And those are it’s good points!) I don’t know why, but every time this is on television, I’m sucked in. Sucked in by Eric Roberts absolutely skin-crawling performance as Paul Snider, boyfriend/manager/murderer of Dorothy Stratten, sucked in by Mariel Hemmingway breaking out of her “dyke-ish” status by showing us she could be a bimbo and sucked in by Cliff Robertson, as the worst Hefner ever. Hey, it’s better than liking “Showgirls”.

6. “Mythbusters”
Put a Snopes list of myths, a workshop full of tools and tons of explosives in the hands of a couple of special effects nerds and you’ll get what Mythbusters is pretty much about. A lot of stuff get blowed up real good! Jamie Hyneman is the cynical, practical one of the duo and Adam Savage is the poor bastard that usually ends up getting beaten, bruised and his eyebrows burnt off. Great fun, I think. For the 8 year old in all of us.

7. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel”
My pals are always bustin’ my balls over my love for these shows, but they’re undeniable cultish, well-written and fun to watch. The reason Joss Whedon’s work keeps getting yanked off the air is, more than likely, because the network chowder-heads are of the same close-minded disposition as the rest of the people that refuse to give these rich, multilayered series’ their due. In fact, even by putting them on this list I may be adding to the stigma surrounding them. Too bad. Damn the uninitiated!

8. Bad 80′s Horror Films
“From Beyond”, “Re-Animator”, “Nightmare on Elm Street”, the first “Friday the 13th” and many others are great fun to watch, but maaan, they don’t hold up over time. Still, I really enjoy them for what they are.

9. Big Budget Disaster Films
“A Perfect Storm”, “Titanic” and the like, are both romantic in nature, and yet, major characters die by drowning. I think this fascination started with me after, as a wee child, I was subjected to “Wake of the Red Witch”:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0040946/ where the lead character, played by John Wayne, drowns in his own deep-sea diving suit. (Haven’t seen it? Sorry.) That, and I almost drowned once. This film could also explain why I like cheesy horror films since (according to imdb) the rubber octopus used in this movie was later stolen by Edward D. Wood Jr.’s crew and used in Bride of the Monster (1955).

10. Playing Video Games
I always used to say that life was frustrating enough without the simulated competition of video games. Somehow though, it’s a valid form of entertainment that takes you places when you just need to pretend you’re someone else. A pleasant diversion, it should never be taken obsessively. “Case in point”:http://paranoidcomix.com/joeblog/?p=91 , these online “Massively Multiplayer” online worlds that replace one’s life rather than create harmless entertainment.