Gjuddy sent me “this site”:http://www.sleazegrinder.com/ and although sensory overload inhibits my true opinion of it, I still have to post it on content excitement alone. Regardless, the centerpiece is Seska, who is apparently their new secretary.
As a side note – Pigface is going on tour Fuckheads! I think that’s what started this stupid swingin’, rocker “punk/goth-girl” amateur porn-queen reflection…
I could be wrong. Gjuddy? Care to comment?
Couple of cool links from the site:
Yes folks! That’s Paris Hilton all righty…
WONDERLAND (R)
Directed by: James Cox
Written by: James Cox &
Captain Mauzner and Todd Samovitz & D. Loriston Scott
Starring:Val Kilmer, Kate Bosworth, Eric Bogosian, Lisa Kudrow, Dylan McDermott, Josh Lucas
Year: 2003
I love reading bad reviews of films that I think are worth “wasting” two hours on. It gives me a kind of perspective on how out-of-touch and nerdy critics seem to be sometimes.
The thing I find when I’ve read reviews on ‘Wonderland’, the picture based on the Wonderland Avenue Murders in the early eighties was that everyone seems to be looking for a point to the grimy, drug-infused, murderous mayhem.
I am thouroughly content to sit back and watch as the horror unfolds, then walk away formulating my own opinions regarding the fact .vs. the fiction and whether it was communicated properly.
Since I really only do DVD reviews on this blog, a lot of filmgoers already know the plot of the film. For those of you that either didn’t grow up in the seventies/early eighties or have no idea who John Holmes is, I’ll quickly reiterate the story behind it all:
John C. Holmes – the first “porn star”. (P.T. Anderson based Dirk Diggler on him.) Holmes really had a 14″ cock. Anyway, Holmes begins doing drugs mid-way through his porn career then slides into an addiction while hanging with a fucked-up bunch of gun-toting druggies on Wonderland Avenue in Hollywood California to support his habit.
There’s a very rich and very dangerous club owner by the name of Eddie Nash, who is a regular supplier of Holmes. Holmes gets the wacky idea of selling the druggies’ antique guns to Nash in exchange for more drugs (which at this time he can barely afford since no one will hire his coked-out ass anymore).
Druggies break into Nash’s place with Holmes’ help – rob Nash of over a million dollars in jewels, money and drugs. Nash is not stupid, gets pissed, beats the shit out of Holmes, and after getting the address of the druggies who robbed him, proceeds to send over a hit squad to pummel everyone’s skull into slurry with the help of several lead pipes.
Holmes escapes the evening and one of the druggies, David Lind (a barely recognizable Dylan McDermott), was not at the Wonderland residence that evening.
You may think that’s all there is to it, but using alternating police interrogations of Lind and Holmes as well as shuffling the chain of events surrounding the crime, writer/director James Cox creates doubt as to the actual truth of the events. (Considering the outcome in reality, I don’t know if anyone will ever be sure exactly what happened.)
I haven’t seen “Rashomon”, but a lot of critics seem to want to compare the narrative device created in “Rashomon” and employed in “Wonderland”. So, I’m thinking they’re either saying “Rashomon” sucks, or “Wonderland” isn’t all that bad.
I’m going to lean on the “Wonderland” not sucking side of the fence. I can’t say I “liked” “Wonderland”, but really – who says a film has to be enjoyable for it to be a “good film”? There are critics who laud a film like “Henry-Portrait of a Serial Killer” which bored the shit out of me and yet they state that “Wonderland” is confusing, disjointed and pointless.
As for the acting – I found everyone in the film to be top notch. I love Val Kilmer, since his choices in roles are similar to Johnny Depp. There’s an array of recognizable faces in “Wonderland” and this does, unfortunately, lead to little screen time for many of them, including Christina Applegate and Jeneanne Garafolo.
“Wonderland” was terrifying to me. It was gritty, grungy and absolutely horrifying by it’s conclusion. I found the narrative to be interesting, clear and disturbing. Well worth the trip if you’re a big fan of true-crime adaptations to film. This is the stuff that scares me, not hackneyed crap like “Jason .vs. Freddy”.
I guess the best way to describe the experience was like “Blow” meets “Boogie Nights” meets “Helter Skelter”. If that’s your cup of tea, then “Wonderland” will be of interest to you.
Not only that, the most bizarre thing about this 2 disc DVD is that they give you the actual L.A.P.D. crime scene footage on the first disc(!) which was the most shocking thing I have seen in a long while and an hour and forty-five minute documentary on John Holmes, which is the second disk put together by VCA Pictures of all people.
Take a porno trip down memory lane with John’s wife, girlfriend, agent and a pile of old porn stars from the early eighties. They even interview P.T. Anderson! Wow! Hilarious…
The best line is from Al Goldstein, regarding John Holmes (who, in my opinion, was little more than a druggie, whore, pimp, wife-beater and stool pigeon) as the “J.F.K.” of the porno industry.
Today’s entry concerns a rather odd cassette tape I found, about a week ago, in this disaster of a home office. An old friend gave me a bunch of cassettes years ago and most of them were old junk music he’d aquired in his travels – I think I only kept the Bartok and this little gem.
This pseudo-feminist punk manifesto compilation (I assume this only because there is only two bands with male vocalists on the tape – a welcome rarity for the 1980s(?)) was put together by the label “Hide” in Toronto when bands like United State and the like were a Queen Street staple.
With songs that sound like a cross between Girlschool meets L7, this stuff was around long before some of those bands hit the scene. There is one absolutely bizarre cover of “Do you Know the Way to San Jose” by Word of Mouth, that sounds like a drunken imitation of the B52s. (Actually a lot of this stuff reminds me of the bands at the “Rock Fight” in “Up in Smoke“…)
My favorites (and they still kind of stand the test of time if you want to disregard the sloppy-ass playing in front of less than enthusiastic audiences in Toronto clubs) are Fifth Column’s “Right Hook”, A.S.F’s “Frat Boy” (with more than a little Hole in it before there was a Hole), and anything by The Curse and The Bettys – “Robot Band” fucking rules in it’s deliberate deconstruction.
I’ve tried to track down a lot of these bands, but sadly, the majority of them are gone now. I think Fifth Column was the only one to stick it out for the nineties, in the midst of a slew of other girl-punk bands that had already stolen their thunder. Proof positive girls can be just as nasty as boys…if not nastier…
Great stuff for a really out of control, drunken house party. Or a heroin flop-house get together.
Well, ordinarily I wouldn’t even bother reviewing a “movie” this pathetic since I would prefer the let the stench of it’s slipshod cheapness just completely fade from memory instead, but this piece of shit really has to go down in history as the worst fucking film made. Of all time. Ever. Bar None.
Never before has the complete idiocy of the filmmakers, the ineptitude of the writers and the absolutely horrific acting ever permeated the screen as in “The Long Weekend”. What these assholes were thinking while they sat around drinking their lite beer and dreaming about how to rip off a group of private sector morons, even more stupid than themselves, is beyond me.
The kicker is, this is one of the first films I have EVER walked out of at the theatre. Thanks to my buddy John (who, like some crazy-man, stayed behind to endure the entire painful experience) I am glad that I went to a bar and got tanked instead of wasting another minute of my life on the dullest, lamest, stinkiest piece of cheese I have ever witnessed.
Christ.
Where do I begin bashing this moronic piece of drek?
It’s such a fucking mess, it’s almost impossible to do it any more damage without making it sound like you might actually want to see it.
I thought it might be something a little different since no body in their right mind would try to make yet another “scary woods film” after Blair Witch and the recent spate of “teens in the woods in a cabin and something terrible happens” movies. (And I will dispense with the foreshadowing) But… No, it was not to be. It WAS another asinine “a bunch of teens we could care less about in the woods and something really, really boring and stupid happens” movie.
Here’s what happens. A group of teenagers go up to their “rich” friends’ cottage for the… ready…? long weekend. I hesitate to call this idiot “rich” is because there is no indication that he is anything of the sort. It feels as if the entire scenario is a fabrication. Well, it IS, but we’re not supposed to think that. It becomes even more apparent that this character is nothing more than a poorly written retard when one of the girls is doing makeup, or some shit, in the bathroom and we see an arm behind her. We cut to something else, then back to this chick in the washroom and we still see this fat arm in the reflection of the mirror. There is indeed a body attached to it – it just so happens it’s the Rich Black Cottage Owner’s Bodyguard!! Whew!
Retarded! Asinine! Ridiculous!
This piece of garbage is some professional student film by some little idiot whose name I can’t, or won’t, remember. If I ever do track down this asshole’s name again, I will find him in the city and make him give John back his money. (He paid for the movie.)
The fucking film, within a film, in “American Movie” would have been ten times more entertaining than this, had I not already seen it.
I walked out at the 35 minute point, because if nothing was happening by then – and considering the first half hour was completely wasted with dumb-bell “getting to know the characters conversation” that only a bad film student writer can conjure for their wacky-ass characters – it was never going to pick up. They should have told the filmmakers that if you’re writing, editing, acting, lighting and camerawork suck donkey cock, you’d better have some splatter to fall back on. No such luck here.
I should have known I was going to be in trouble after two incidents.
The makeup artist:
The makeup artist/boom operator/t-shirt girl was in the lobby and we asked her about the film – as they were “cueing” it up in the theatre and we had time to kill. I asked her, because she worked for free on the film for a credit, if the script was the thing that got her interested in the first place. (Or got her to work for nothing…) Her response was she did it “for the credit” and that you have to work on something to get one.
and…
The fact that they kept pushing the fact that everyone worked for free. When the director/producer/janitor came out to introduce his shiny new turd to the audience, he stressed the fact that everyone worked on the film for free. Even though this bozo managed to cobble together ONE POINT FIVE MILLION from private investors.
Well, let me tell you… either they paid the theatre the million to show off their fat stinky turd of a movie or the director is a major coke head.
Fuck this movie and everyone who was involved and the fucking horse they rode in on. If anyone knows who the creep is that made this complete endurance test in torture, do NOT, I repeat DO NOT ever give this asshole another dime to pick up a camera ever again. Better yet, find the idiots responsible for this aberration of the medium and have them killed, diced into little pieces and killed again.
I honestly believe that people should be locked up for this sort of thing.
SHAME on you RYERSON COLLEGE! SHAME on the bo-hunk hicks that put a dime into this hack garbage shitpile.
At the bar afterward, I was so hysterical about how much I hated “The Long Weekend”, so visibly upset, several people went home and I had to be calmed down by three of my other friends.
Thank you.
P.S. I hate this “film” so much, I’m going to give away the ending to it as well. The tag line for the film pretty much gives it away anyway, so who gives a shit. Apparently, or so John tells me, they all head down to the bomb shelter at the cabin, and we realize that it’s all a joke, they’re shooting a movie and the whole movie is not really reality, but a movie within a movie.
Yeah I know… Lame.
Postscript:
I’m out with Kirby for his birthday the other night and we’re standing out front of the Labyrinth Lounge off of Bloor street having a cigarette. These two people approach us and they look mighty familiar for some reason. They proceed to pull out free passes to “The Long Weekend” and I realize that they’re two of the actors from the film! The guy who played Joe – Christopher Elliot and one of the girls, Chani Nicholas.
I say, “No thanks I’ve already seen the film.”
There it sits, waiting for the inevitable “What did you think of it?”
It never came.
I was so relieved that I didn’t have to cause a scene in front of a crowded club, although I must say it was an opportunity too co-incidental to pass up. I was thrown off guard when the actor who played Joe just looked at me a little stunned and said, “Oh!…oh, you’ve seen the film… oh!….”
Could it be that these two know just how awful the film they’ve chosen to be in, is? Whatever the case, another girl came up to us and directly afterward asking us what I had thought of the film, since she’d overheard I said I’d already seen it.
“Well, I can’t really recommend it…” I said, feeling somewhat wary all of sudden, as if this person was some kind of a plant to get some raw feedback. She had two free passes in her hand.
“Well, is it scary?” she prodded.
“Ahhhh, no… I wouldn’t say that.” I finally said, “Listen, honestly, I walked out of it after 35 minutes. I thought it was horrible.”
She said, “Ok, I probably won’t go see it then.”
I said, “Well, don’t take my opinion for it..” feeling pretty bad for actually allowing this poor soul to go see what I’ve already established is rat-dung.
“No, it’s cool. You two look like you know what you’re talking about.” And with that, she turned and walked away.
THE DARK BACKWARD (R)
Directed by: Adam Rifkin
Written by: Adam Rifkin
Starring: Judd Nelson, Bill Paxton, Wayne Newton, James Caan, Lara Flynn Boyle and Rob Lowe
Year: 1991
Running Time: 101 mins.
This movie was hilarious! It has to be, bar none, the greatest underground indpendent cult film of all time. Most people I show this film to (as it’s not that easy to snag a copy) aren’t laughing through it all that much. (Maybe they’re all laughing on the inside!) I myself, can’t stop giggling like a maniac whenever I put this well-played videocassette into the VTR.
“The Dark Backward” is a pitch-black comedy about the rise and fall of comedian Marty Malt and his best friend and co-hort Gus. Prepare yourself to enter the crud-encrusted world of Adam Rifkin.
“We’re gonna be famous Marty! HAHahahahHAhahahahhhAaaaa!”
Adam Rifkin is one of the great indie filmmakers. Come hell or high water, he’ll make the movie he wants to make. With his own money, more often than not. “The Dark Backward” was his first feature. I like anything this guy does. “Night at the Golden Eagle” is a near masterpiece. Hell, I even liked “Detroit Rock City” (and should probably buy it for the Gene Simmons commentary alone).
Rifkin is Terry Gilliam’s retarded, illegitimate child. I’m speaking of his love of the putrid, his flair for the fantastic and his obsession with all things stinky and slimy. People sweat profusely in “The Dark Backward”, yet there is rarely any sun, and when it does manage to poke through the smog filled sky, it seems to be smeared with rotting chicken skin and week-old hamburger grease.
“The Dark Backward” is about Marty, the world’s worst stand-up comic. He is a pathetic wretch of a man with an equally dull girlfriend (Lara Flynn Boyle) and a stultifying job as the city’s garbageman. His best friend however, the loud, obnoxious and (it seems) shit-smeared Gus (Bill Paxton), tries to raise Marty’s spirits by consistently lying to him about his talent and dragging local talent agents in to see Marty die a painful death time and again onstage.
After bringing Jackie Chrome (Wayne Newton), the biggest agent in town, to see Marty, Jackie, unimpressed by Marty’s performance, storms out while Gus hurriedly explains that it was an “off night” for Marty. His big break shattered, Marty goes back to his dreary, ill lit life.
Something then happens to Marty that changes the film into a kaleidescope of horror, humor and really disgusting food. I won’t say much more about it because it’s something that should stay secret. (Too bad everyone else who has reviewed this film doesn’t feel the same way…)
Rifkin must really, really despise stand-up comedians and, honestly, I can’t say I blame him. He even has a quick bit part himself, as one of the smug and smarmmy jokesters he seems to enjoy satirizing. Danny Dayton as the deadpan MC is also perfect as the owner of Syd’s Nightclub. I think the only other film that has had this skewed view of stand-up is “Punchline”. (And unfortunately, Sally Field’s dowdy Roseanne parody was embarrassingly hokey at times.)
Suffice it to say that with the bizarre cameos (James Caan as a less than sympathetic doctor, Rob Lowe as the (literally) shark-faced agent) the rollercoaster circus soundtrack, three humongous chocolate splattered women, insane product placement (“Blump’s Pork Juice”?!), necrophilla and plenty of black humor, “The Dark Backward” is a must-see video (no it ain’t on DVD yet!!) for the collector of the strange, sick or…that’s right, I’m gonna say it again…. THE JUST PLAIN HILARIOUS!
Leatherface tears through the slick-ass new TCM.
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (R)
Directed by: Marcus Nispel
Written by: Kim Henkel & Tobe Hooper (1974 screenplay) Scott Kosar (2003 screenplay)
Starring: Jessica Biel, Jonathan Tucker, Erica Leerhsen, Mike Vogel and Eric Balfour
Year: 2003
I really can’t understand the furor over how bad people think the “re-imagining” of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is. The allure of the trailer led me to buy the DVD (2 disk set) without even seeing it first. This may not be the smartest move on my part, but I felt confident that the makers of the new version couldn’t have done any than the recent barrage of teens in the woods in trouble flicks, in the thrills and chills department. In fact, horror films in general are pretty sucking these days. There is absolutely nothing even half-way original out there. It’s a sea of remakes and concept rip-offs of every horror film that broke ground in the 70s and 80s. I fully expect to see some one attempt a “re-imagining” of “Halloweén” this fall!
If I put aside my disgust for the lazy filmamkers and their high-concept, stylistic, big-budget remakes of the past 5 years, I will say that the shit heaped on this particular rehash was really not meritted.
Roger Ebert must have been on “hate pills” when he saw this thing – giving it “zero” stars in his review and calling it the “#1 Worst Movie of 2003″. As I recall, the last time Ebert gave a movie a brutal zero-stars review like this was “Maniac” in 1984.
This is no “Maniac” and that’s a good thing, even though “Maniac” is actually worth seeing for the porn structured dread-filled, blood-drenched, Tom Savini portfolio piece that it is. “Maniac” was an infamous (at the time) must-see film that was edited down to 40 minutes, then BANNED in Canada in 1980 – now, of course, it’s on IFC Canada every other Saturday – UNCUT.
I digress, but I just can’t see how people were so upset and disturbed by the new “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. Technically, it’s flawless, the terror quotient it’s pretty decent and it’s a fast-paced 98 minutes. If you’re going to compare it to the original, which if you’ve seen the ’74 version it’s difficult not to do, TCM 2003 is pretty much the same film without the torturous dinner segment.
They do a nice job of getting all the original touchstones into the current version; the sledgehammer scene (which could never be duplicated by anyone), the meathook scene, the freezer startle gag (without the freezer this time) and the bad-guy run over at the end. They cranked it up to eleven, put in a lot more gore (which I expected in the original, as a teen, given the reputation of the film) and added a few extra weird side-tracks as well, so I don’t really see what is so disappointing to people here.
The original film was better in many ways, most of all the timing of it’s release and a story element that the new version doesn’t really elaborate on, (that the hillbillies are sausage-making cannibals) but quite honestly, there isn’t much to either film in the way of story or character development regardless.
The original had the documentary feel going for it, the geek-factor in it’s unknown actors/villians and the obligitory seventies film “societal commentary”. (Which I say you can wrench out of any film if you look hard enough – all impingent upon the period it was made in…)
Over all, I was pretty exhillarated by the end of this version and in fact, they could have even gone a little further over the top without bothering me. (Say, take the most horrific parts of “House of 1000 Corpses” specifically the “fish-boy” segment) and this could very well have been THE horror film of the year (But now that I’ve seen Rob Zombie’s movie again, it takes the award.). TCM is pretty darn close, I think. I haven’t seen the remake of “Dawn of the Dead” yet, so…(I’m really hoping for a “new” horror movie some time before I die…)
Again, I don’t give “stars” for rating the DVDs I “review” here on my site, as I feel there are always flawed elements and grand elements to all films. (Ok, barring complete fucking kife like “The Sweetest Thing”.)
In the case of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” there’s a lot here to appreciate. An anxiety inducing, cover-your-eyes gore-fest, terrific non-stop thrill ride that’s doesn’t let up until the final credits – and it’s only 98 minutes! Sure, I could have done without the wink-wink “Blair Witch” type ending, but hey it’s a horror film, not “JFK”. We’re not here to think, we’re here to experience visceral gut-wrenching dread and fear. This sucker did it for me. (Well okay, not literally.. but I was pretty pumped by the time it ended.)
Along with three documentaries and the usual DVD extras, this puppy delivers the goods and considering I thought I was going to have to sell it to some used cd shop after being subjected to yet another “Jeepers Creepers”, I was really surprised by it’s complete sleazery and dread. The fact that it’s all wrapped up nice and slick in a commercial bow just adds to the opinion that I got my money’s worth in spades.
(Note: Yes “Jeepers Creepers” is certainly an original horror film, but the second one really blew.)