Originally “published” on EarthLunk; (thanks, B.)

So there is this fucking twit name Prudie that does an advice column on msn.com who could be one of the most annoying people on the planet. When she gives responses she always refers to herself in the 3rd person. Well I have started barraging her with letters in hopes that I can jam up her column with bullshit and keep stupid people with stupid problems from getting stupid advice from this stupid twat. Most of the emails I have sent have been a little over the top but I think this one is going to make it into her next column. Here it is and I will post her reply when I get one.

Dear Prudie,

I am writing this from inside a warm internet cafe in downtown Seattle. Normally I would be at home reading your column but something awful has happened to me and I need some advice. I used to work at a successful software company and I was quite happy. I have never had many friends, except for my 3 cats, and I have learned it is generally safer for me to stick to myself and watch life happen from the shadows. I had a tough time in high school and was put through some horrible tasks i.e. forced to eat non-food items off the floor, singing the school anthem without pants in front of the cheer leading squad, you know basic high school pranks. You could say youth was a lonely time. That is why when I got this job I was so happy because computers are friendlier than people.

Well here is the problem.

A couple months ago a co-worker was having a party at a local bar, well not your normal bar, it was one of those bars where women take off their clothes to loud music. I decided to go because my normal tv shows were all in re runs and there were no support groups scheduled. I went to the bar and was really shocked to see what was going on. My co-workers were there but they seemed busy talking to the employees so I sat alone. Just then this girl came out of nowhere and sat down with me, she obviously worked there but she seemed different than the rest. We talked all night and she told me she was having some real problems and just needed a little help. I felt bad for her. Well long story short, I agreed to help her and after work we walked to the ATM and I withdrew $500 for her and she said she would pay me back the next day. Well the next day I went to meet her and she didn’t look good. She was talking about strange people following her, I think she called them shadow people or something.

She had nowhere to go so I said she could stay at my apartment. We went home and she went straight into my bathroom in a hurry, she was in such a hurry that she kicked one of my cats really hard on the way. I hope it was an accident. I tried to get her to come out but she wouldnt come out, she said she needed some baking soda to mix with her medicine. I didnt have any baking soda so I left to go to the corner store to buy her some.

When I got back I couldnt open my door, I heard loud music, I knocked and finally this person opened the door. He was a big man, an african-american, and I’ll never forget that he had big shiny gold teeth. He then told me that I didn’t live there anymore, I told him I knew that I did and he slammed the door in my face.

I have gone back to my apartment every day for the past week and now there are blankets over the windows and tonight I found 2 of my cats collars on the sidewalk outside my building. I called the police and they said they couldn’t do anything about it. I was sent home from my job today because I haven’t showered or changed clothes in 5 or 6 days and I think they fired me but I’m not sure. I dont know what to do. Its so cold out here and I am out of money and really worried about my kitties. What would you do in this situation?

– _Lurking in Seattle_

kirb
07:17:40PM
i got your email

BuCkSaTaN>:)
07:17:53PM
Ahhh Springer, eh?

kirb
07:17:59PM
very funny

BuCkSaTaN>:)
07:18:05PM
That is the true meaning of PATHETIC.

kirb
07:18:16PM
you dream you were that guy
…so free
…not a care in the world

BuCkSaTaN>:)
07:19:21PM
Yeah - no home - sucking cock on Church street in a tattered frock… that’s the life.

kirb
07:19:29PM
frock?

>
you mean teddie

>
and he’s always got a home at your place

BuCkSaTaN>:)
07:19:59PM
christ…
sick

kirb
07:20:06PM
ahahah
>
imagine seeing him eating a pogo stick and drinking some malt liquor on your couch

>
at 730 am

>
a big pile of barf on the floor and some transexual passed out in the tub

BuCkSaTaN>:)
07:23:21PM
hahahahah

kirb
07:23:50PM
the guy will have liquor all over his nightgown as he stands up to give you a morning hug

BuCkSaTaN>:)
07:24:17PM
oh christ…ha ha ha ha

“Whistler’s Hoagie for example…”
- Chris Coghill

!http://www.paranoidcomix.com/blog/media/hh_cartoon.gif!

The search for a Canadian Legend…part two…

Back when I first arrived in Toronto over 14 years ago, I was employed at Magnetic North, a very successful post house, in the lowly position of data-input / courier. Had I known that when Riff Markowitz poked his head into my office, on one of his many inspections from Los Angeles, was one of the creators of “Hilarious House”, I would have hit him up with a resurgence for the cult show then… alas, it was not to be.

Flash forward years later while I sit, sipping a beer in the company of Billy Van, “The Count”, “Grizelda”, “The Wolfman” and many others, himself. I told him I once met Riff Markowitz and a slight scowl came over his face. When I told him my idea for a resurrection of sorts for “Hilarious House”, his reception of the idea was somewhat tainted by the fact that he could really do nothing to help me achieve my goal. He reiterated the story of how he felt slighted by his former business associate and that he had no access to the rights of a show that, in my opinion, could not have been, without his creative input.

He was still receptive to being involved in some way as he was very proud of his contribution to the show. Being relatively new to darkened business deals and poorly conceived contractual obligations, or lack thereof, I was somewhat, naively, disheartened by the news that these two could not have just mended fences for a reunion of sorts…

Regardless, it was good to talk with a man, who was one of the people that made a great contribution to the world of Canadian comedy in his endeavors. We made plans to talk again regarding the project and we did speak a couple of more times on the phone, but it really didn’t get very far. Billy Van passed away in 2003. There is a tribute to his work on the show here.

A year after Mr.Van passed on, I was at the bar with a friend of mine, who works at a local television station, and we got on the topic of “Hilarious House”… he casually mentioned that he had access to all 130 masters of the show! I grabbed him by the shirt collar and begged him to get me these elusive masters!

From this article link: “Frightenstein’s producer and creator, Rafael Markowitz, recently ordered the master tapes destroyed after its run on Showcase.”

He said he’d see what he could do, but it would be tricky. Now, the mystery at this point would be why on earth would one of the show’s creators want the masters of a great Canadian classic destroyed?? Are there any other copies? Does he have the only copies? Does he hate the show and in some Kafkaesque moment of self-loathing want his work obliterated? My friends and I have speculated on a less dramatic theory. When re-runs of a show are not airing, the master tapes are stored in a videotape warehouse somewhere. To house these tapes it costs money. (A monthly charge I imagine…) So, if no one is airing “Hilarious House of Frightenstein” at the moment, then why pay for the cost of housing the master tapes? Insane? Well, it depends I suppose. It’s like internet hosting in a way. People think that just because your site isn’t “live” that you shouldn’t have to pay for the space that “hosts” your site.

Yes folks, the erasure and subsequent eradication of this Canadian legend could quite possibly be simply because someone was too cheap to pay for storage.

I have this friend named Kirby.

He’s pretty much got a lingo all his own. There’s no miraculous coinage happening within it, as it’s the subtlety in pitch and delivery of the words that’s important here.

After a while, most people start assimilating his catchy phrases.
Here’s a choice sampling and then you can go look at his minimalist blog by clicking on the quite accurate self-portrait I’ve included here.

“what the”

Ordinarily, I would put a question mark or an ellipsis then a question mark after the “what the”, but I have been sternly warned against doing so by Kirby’s girlfriend. This is a no-no apparently. In any case, “what the” is a reaction to a comment from your foolhardy friend that contains something shocking, embarrassing or just plain stupid.

“whaddayameeean?”

This one is fairly similar to “what the”, but more emphatic. It’s used, more often than not, in a situation where you cannot believe what is unfolding. Let’s say I told Kirby he was going drinking. Then on the heels of this statement, I told him we were going to a bar he reviled. He would say, “whaddyameeean?”. When you say this, it’s important to drag out the “eeean” at varying degrees for added effect, depending on how hellish the situation is.

“lord”, “christ”, “god”, “cripes”
or other semi-expletives of a religious nature.

These are typed in lower-case on messengers online and should be used in the same exasperated, beaten tone when used vocally. Try not to put much effort into their use. They aren’t shouted but more like mutterings under ones breath with a tinge of cynicism for the over-all effect.

“Hey! You’re Famous!”

While out with friends, point at a less fortunate slob than anyone at your table, or some homely lout in the local entertainment rag and direct this masterpiece comment, from childhood, to the one sitting next to you. If using a live shill, it’s key not to let the scapegoat overhear your exclamation as it’s intended victim is the “famous” one you’ve spoken this phrase to.

(When I was younger, I believe the origin of this one stems back to one pointing out a dishevelled bag-lady and exclaiming “Hey! There’s your mom!”, or directing attention to some half-asleep drunk in the gutter and saying “Hey! There’s your dad!”, but being the nice guy good ole’ Kirb is, he’s cleaned it up for modern usage.)

I’ve included this small smattering of “kirbspeak” here on my blog, but due to outside pressure I really cannot reveal any more at this time. You’ll have to go to Kirby’s blog to find out more about this Oiseaux Exotique!

Huzzah!

image >:) www.frightenstein.com

The search for a Canadian Legend…

For literally years now, I have been coddling a pet project of mine which seems to be a complete washout or better yet, a mystery pie with a crust full of either backstabbing hatred, cheapness or both. My miserable attempts to bring back to life a television show loved by many, has been almost as frustrating as the Count’s numerous attempts to shock “Brucie” back into existence in the lab of Castle Frightenstein.

This little blog entry concerns a Canadian classic children’s television show on par with “Sesame Street”, or at the very least “The Electric Company”. Nay, let me amend that. It was better than both combined.

The seventies, for me, was a time of cheap horror comic books and “Wacky Packages” bubblegum cards.

Taxes, divorce and various other incendiary and horrifying realities of adulthood had not yet emblazoned my, then, tender, pre-teen mind. It was a time of kissing in the dark with girls and Saturday morning cartoons.

I wasn’t so big on “Scooby Doo” and “Josie and the Pussycats”, but there was one show I could not live without on those pajama-clad, cereal bowl-in front of the tee vee mornings…

I am speaking, of course, about the Hamilton, Ontario produced schlock-fest, “Hilarious House of Frightenstein”.

All of my friends at that time, thought “Hilarious House of Frightenstein” was the greatest show on earth. A “children’s” program set in an imaginary castle inhabited by thirteen horror stereotypes, the majority of which were played by the late, great Billy Van.

For a full synopsis and show structure head on over to www.frightenstein.com. The only existing site dedicated to this odd and wonderful little gem.

Anyway, somewhere around 2000, I called up Billy Van at his talent agency to pitch him an idea regarding the show he appeared to be so much a part of. To my disbelief, he actually agreed to have lunch with me down the street at Mel’s, a local delicatessen. As I walked up to the Deli, I saw him standing out front, calmly smoking. His hair was much whiter than I had imagined it to be (even though I had seen him through the years in the shows, ” Hudson Brothers Comedy Hour”, “The Sonny and Cher Show”, “Party Game” (another CHCH Hamilton production), “Bizarre” and various others. He was smiling and seemed to be a very gregarious man. He wasn’t some big film star, but he was enough of a star in my eyes that I was humbled that he would just meet some weirdo that called him about a wacky idea he said he had.

We entered the restaurant and out to the patio area. I sat down in front of the man that had mesmerized me as a child. After shaking hands, I reiterated a story about how when he played “The Librarian” on the show, my brother would start crying because he was so frightened by his portrayal. I refused to change the channel at my brother’s behest, even with my mother shouting from the kitchen to do so. I couldn’t (gasp!) miss my show. It’s not like my brother couldn’t leave the fucking room, anyway.

Mr.Van seemed pleased with the story and we ordered our lunch. After we ordered - I can’t recall what Mr. Van ordered - but he then asked me if we could smoke there. I told him yes and he grumbled about how “you can’t smoke anywhere in this fucking city anymore…”. It was so surreal. Here I was having lunch with the “Count” - refusing to ask him to do an imitation at my friends cajoling - and he just said the word “fuck”. So odd and yet he became “real” to me, at that point. A person, not just a cartoon character figment of my childhood imagination.

- End Part One
- Part Two Can Be “Found Here”:http://paranoidcomix.com/joeblog/?p=23.

You know, every once and a while, Canadians do have taste. After a 4 month (give or take) run on Canada’s Global Television, Mike Bullard finally gets the boot from his brutally un-funny talk show. The reason according to Global were, of course, poor ratings. Out of the other side of their greed-head mealy mouths comes a pathetic sympathy-fuck and flaccid well wishes for the extremely “un-hip” Bullard and his future.

Here’s a guy who can’t make a talk show work when his only other competition is a sock puppet. (Somebody should have told the show’s producers that a couple of bimbos from Orgasm.com could have kept viewers from flipping.)

Some University Media Pundit notes in the Global article that we Canadians are just unable to mimick the All-American realm of the “yap-fest” and that Bullard has “a style that may not go over with everybody”. I’ll say. Un-funny. Zero Charisma. His monolgues and audience heckling go over like a belligerent drunk uncle you can’t get off the mic at your sister’s wedding.

Another reason Mike can’t cut the mustard, according to the same article, is that we are unable to get the calibre of guests (sorry, the article is actually quoted as saying “product”) that the U.S. talk shows continuously crank out.

Why Canadians insist on apologizing for themselves and making excuses as to why they aren’t able to compete with the States is truly mind boggling. It’s also bullshit, since Much Music is able to get a steady stream of popular U.S.and European musicians to interview and to play live on a consistent basis.

What the Global article neglects to mention is that Bullard doesn’t appeal to ANY age group. He’s too old and un-hip for the teens, too out-of-touch and obtuse for anyone his age and just too plain irritating to anyone his parents age.

Bah! I’ve wasted enough time on this hack already.
Goodbye Mike, we hardly knew ye! Thank Christ!

Note: You know, there was a link attached to the words “gets the boot” on this article leading to the full story on Bullard’s head-rolling, but of course, the article was moved somewhere else on Global’s “website”. I cringe to even call it a “website” for such a sad, incompetent, hellaciously slow and lacklustre piece of shit, but well, there ya have it folks.

Also, recently (summer, 2005) there was another article in NOW magazine regarding further awful homegrown “entertainment”, “*Train 48*”.
You can read this hilarious commentary “here“.