Originally “published” on EarthLunk; (thanks, B.)

So there is this fucking twit name Prudie that does an advice column on msn.com who could be one of the most annoying people on the planet. When she gives responses she always refers to herself in the 3rd person. Well I have started barraging her with letters in hopes that I can jam up her column with bullshit and keep stupid people with stupid problems from getting stupid advice from this stupid twat. Most of the emails I have sent have been a little over the top but I think this one is going to make it into her next column. Here it is and I will post her reply when I get one.

Dear Prudie,

I am writing this from inside a warm internet cafe in downtown Seattle. Normally I would be at home reading your column but something awful has happened to me and I need some advice. I used to work at a successful software company and I was quite happy. I have never had many friends, except for my 3 cats, and I have learned it is generally safer for me to stick to myself and watch life happen from the shadows. I had a tough time in high school and was put through some horrible tasks i.e. forced to eat non-food items off the floor, singing the school anthem without pants in front of the cheer leading squad, you know basic high school pranks. You could say youth was a lonely time. That is why when I got this job I was so happy because computers are friendlier than people.

Well here is the problem.

A couple months ago a co-worker was having a party at a local bar, well not your normal bar, it was one of those bars where women take off their clothes to loud music. I decided to go because my normal tv shows were all in re runs and there were no support groups scheduled. I went to the bar and was really shocked to see what was going on. My co-workers were there but they seemed busy talking to the employees so I sat alone. Just then this girl came out of nowhere and sat down with me, she obviously worked there but she seemed different than the rest. We talked all night and she told me she was having some real problems and just needed a little help. I felt bad for her. Well long story short, I agreed to help her and after work we walked to the ATM and I withdrew $500 for her and she said she would pay me back the next day. Well the next day I went to meet her and she didn’t look good. She was talking about strange people following her, I think she called them shadow people or something.

She had nowhere to go so I said she could stay at my apartment. We went home and she went straight into my bathroom in a hurry, she was in such a hurry that she kicked one of my cats really hard on the way. I hope it was an accident. I tried to get her to come out but she wouldnt come out, she said she needed some baking soda to mix with her medicine. I didnt have any baking soda so I left to go to the corner store to buy her some.

When I got back I couldnt open my door, I heard loud music, I knocked and finally this person opened the door. He was a big man, an african-american, and I’ll never forget that he had big shiny gold teeth. He then told me that I didn’t live there anymore, I told him I knew that I did and he slammed the door in my face.

I have gone back to my apartment every day for the past week and now there are blankets over the windows and tonight I found 2 of my cats collars on the sidewalk outside my building. I called the police and they said they couldn’t do anything about it. I was sent home from my job today because I haven’t showered or changed clothes in 5 or 6 days and I think they fired me but I’m not sure. I dont know what to do. Its so cold out here and I am out of money and really worried about my kitties. What would you do in this situation?

– _Lurking in Seattle_

Ahhhh! The internet! Where a complete stranger can find an email address and just start harassing someone until legal action has to intervene. Where else could you find a story like the one below (unless you were Mel Gibson or Britney Spears)?

A while back I started gettting letters from a rabid fan of “Hilarious House of Frightenstein” and the guy is really starting to get on my nerves. Since I mentioned on the blog that I may know where to locate some of the master tapes of this Canadian “children’s” classic, he’s been pestering me to no end as to when I’ll have the 130 tapes in my possession. I’ve already told this nut that I cannot get my hands on these tapes without breaking the law, and that if I ever did get them he’d be the first to know, but he refuses give up!

I mean, it was fine in the beginning, but now this guy is starting to sound like a broken record! Here’s the persistent letters I continue to receive in my SPAM box every couple of weeks like clock-work…(note the feverish and extensive use of exclamation and question marks.)

——

November 26

Hello, Bucky!

Does ANYBODY on the face of this planet have ALL 130 episodes of Hilarious House Of Frightenstein? Apparently somebody does and I would love to know who and how I can get in contact with him or her? Any information would be greatly appreciated!!! You should feel so honoured to have met and had lunch with Mr. Van before he passed away! He truly in my mind is a Canadian Legend that was so original, he could never be replaced by any other comic today! Does your friend at his local television station still have access to all those 130 masters as you mentioned in your article? Were they REALLY destroyed? I have seen numerous bootleg copies of this show, but never a high grade quality one! Do ANY high grade quality ones still exist? Very curious to know if they do! Please email me any information if you know who, where and how I could attain the complete collection of this incredible show of 1971!!! Many Thanks & Seasons Greetings!
Regards,
[name withheld]

——

My Response: (truncated)

I do in fact know someone who has access to the entire 130 copies of the show…

He could get into a lot of trouble getting the tapes shipped, so the wait has been going on for some time now. I don’t expect them very soon…

Thanks for your interest! If anything happens, you’ll hear about it on my blog.

——

Novemeber 27 (The next day!)

Hello, Buck!

Any word when you will be obtaining these 130 episodes of HHOF? Are you interested in a possible transaction with me for the complete set? Please contact me asap when you do get hold of the entire collection! Many Thanks & Seasons Greetings!!!
Regards,
[name withheld]

——

My Response:

As I mentioned previously – this is something that may not happen for a long time as it is illegal. I understand your interest in these tapes, but I cannot guarantee anything will ever happen with them.

You may want to try contacting the people at www.frightenstein.com.
He has copies of some of the episodes I believe.

——

Novemeber 27 (Same day!)

Hello, Buck!

Did you hear back from that person who says they have access to all 130 episodes of HHOF? I thought the original masters were all destroyed? Please clarify this! Unless somebody made copies of the masters before they were destroyed? Who has them anyways? Showcase network? CHCH TV? YTV? Please clarify this for me! Any chance of getting them by the end of this year? Would like to make you a generous offer if you can obtain these complete master episodes! For my personal collection only! Hope to hear from you soon! Thanks & Seasons Greetings!
Regards,
[name withheld]

——

December 15

Hello, Bucky!

Did you ever get that complete collection of all 130 episodes of HHOF from your buddy yet? Still await a response from you! I will make you a generous offer for the complete collection if you got it yet!!! Are they from the master tapes? Or copies from television stations like showcase channel or YTV? Please specify? Hope to hear from you soonest and maybe one day I can meet with you downtown in T.O. for a few beers and chat about your meeting with Mr. Billy Van, a Canadian Legend!!!! Have a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!! Cheers!
Regards,
[name withheld]

——

And finally,

December 29

Hello, Bucky!

Did you ever hear back from your buddy with those 130 episodes of HHOF? I have located quite a few already!!! But would prefer copies from the original master tapes! Any help would be greatly appreciated to direct me to the person or persons who does have ALL 130 episodes of HHOF!!! Many Thanks & Happy New Year!!!
Regards,
[name withheld]

P.S. If possible could you ask your buddy to email me, so I can talk to him! Thanks! This is for my personal collection ONLY and I promise I will not make a dime off of them or trade them with anybody else! Please have your friend email me asap! Thank You!

——

I do not know what else to say as I’ve pretty much said it all in my email responses. If you’re reading this, [name withheld], stop emailing me about the fucking tapes. I’ve been patient up until now. I said I would contact you IF I ever got them and I meant what I said, Rupert. I mean, [name withheld].

Cheers!

Buck Satan :>

Joeblogs Around the World:

You didn’t think that this was the only joeblog in existence did you? Taking a trip around Google has shown me that just because the name ‘Joe’ is completely average, the varied subject matter of joeblogs is another story:

The criteria I used to gather this ongoing compendium of “joe blogs” was by entering the phrase “joeblog” into the Google search engine. I tried “joe blog” but I got far too many “joe” related hits and far too many “blog” related……..zzzzzzzzzZZ…whatever. Read on.

joeblog
Community, culture and technology.
“http://joefriend.com/blog/”:http://joefriend.com/blog/
Mostly links, since the actual middle content of the site never seems to load. Gosh, I’m so impatient… Next!

joeblog
No amount of drivel too large or too small
“http://home.earthlink.net/~revjwalker/joeblog/”:http://home.earthlink.net/~revjwalker/joeblog/

Hmm. My first solid stop on the joeblog train yields a wee bit of a procrastinator’s blogsite.

joeblog
“http://deekoo.net/technocracy/vortex/nodes/joeblog.html”:http://deekoo.net/technocracy/vortex/nodes/joeblog.html

Second stop. Not much better, but somewhat of a humorous take on the blog. One open line that is editable by anyone with the accompanying phrase “This is not happening, I’m not here..” at the top of the page. Next!

joeblog
“http://www.blogg.org/blog-3039.html”:http://www.blogg.org/blog-3039.html
Tres Bizarre! Two entries in French.
According to the mangled Babelfish translation, this is one depressed and suicidal puppy. Someone call 911! (errr…I mean 112… )

Excerpt (BabelFish translation):

“With what celà is used it to entrust to a species of newspaper “not-close friend”. Perhaps is a this kind of therapy. In short, always it is that today as it is the same a dixaine for days in one year, I am completely depressed. I have the impression to be forgotten of everyone. To count near the others only when they need me. This morning, on the road of work, I wanted serious of suicide. I wanted to plant me in the ditch to finish some with this whore of life!“

InterTran gives us a much more direct translation after ramming the same two French paragraphs down it’s gullet:

“hopeless, nil, non-existent“.

Good Christ. Not a very robust outing this time. Ah well, I’m bored with this shit. I gotta go have a smoke and think about what to do for work tomorrow. I’ll pick this up again when I’ve got nothing better to do…

Jesus. I hope that French person is okay. I should check back on their blog and make sure another, more optimistic, entry in his “whore of a life” goes up.

Well gang, join us again soon for another look at “joeblogs” around the world!

Ta ta!!

Note: All external blog material “reviewed” in this article is copyright their respective owners. “Joeblog” isn’t responsible for the insane shit I’ve linked to from the rest of the internet populous.

kirb
07:17:40PM
i got your email

BuCkSaTaN>:)
07:17:53PM
Ahhh Springer, eh?

kirb
07:17:59PM
very funny

BuCkSaTaN>:)
07:18:05PM
That is the true meaning of PATHETIC.

kirb
07:18:16PM
you dream you were that guy
…so free
…not a care in the world

BuCkSaTaN>:)
07:19:21PM
Yeah – no home – sucking cock on Church street in a tattered frock… that’s the life.

kirb
07:19:29PM
frock?

>
you mean teddie

>
and he’s always got a home at your place

BuCkSaTaN>:)
07:19:59PM
christ…
sick

kirb
07:20:06PM
ahahah
>
imagine seeing him eating a pogo stick and drinking some malt liquor on your couch

>
at 730 am

>
a big pile of barf on the floor and some transexual passed out in the tub

BuCkSaTaN>:)
07:23:21PM
hahahahah

kirb
07:23:50PM
the guy will have liquor all over his nightgown as he stands up to give you a morning hug

BuCkSaTaN>:)
07:24:17PM
oh christ…ha ha ha ha

“Whistler’s Hoagie for example…”
- Chris Coghill

!http://www.paranoidcomix.com/blog/media/hh_cartoon.gif!

The search for a Canadian Legend…part two…

Back when I first arrived in Toronto over 14 years ago, I was employed at Magnetic North, a very successful post house, in the lowly position of data-input / courier. Had I known that when Riff Markowitz poked his head into my office, on one of his many inspections from Los Angeles, was one of the creators of “Hilarious House”, I would have hit him up with a resurgence for the cult show then… alas, it was not to be.

Flash forward years later while I sit, sipping a beer in the company of Billy Van, “The Count”, “Grizelda”, “The Wolfman” and many others, himself. I told him I once met Riff Markowitz and a slight scowl came over his face. When I told him my idea for a resurrection of sorts for “Hilarious House”, his reception of the idea was somewhat tainted by the fact that he could really do nothing to help me achieve my goal. He reiterated the story of how he felt slighted by his former business associate and that he had no access to the rights of a show that, in my opinion, could not have been, without his creative input.

He was still receptive to being involved in some way as he was very proud of his contribution to the show. Being relatively new to darkened business deals and poorly conceived contractual obligations, or lack thereof, I was somewhat, naively, disheartened by the news that these two could not have just mended fences for a reunion of sorts…

Regardless, it was good to talk with a man, who was one of the people that made a great contribution to the world of Canadian comedy in his endeavors. We made plans to talk again regarding the project and we did speak a couple of more times on the phone, but it really didn’t get very far. Billy Van passed away in 2003. There is a tribute to his work on the show here.

A year after Mr.Van passed on, I was at the bar with a friend of mine, who works at a local television station, and we got on the topic of “Hilarious House”… he casually mentioned that he had access to all 130 masters of the show! I grabbed him by the shirt collar and begged him to get me these elusive masters!

From this article link: “Frightenstein’s producer and creator, Rafael Markowitz, recently ordered the master tapes destroyed after its run on Showcase.”

He said he’d see what he could do, but it would be tricky. Now, the mystery at this point would be why on earth would one of the show’s creators want the masters of a great Canadian classic destroyed?? Are there any other copies? Does he have the only copies? Does he hate the show and in some Kafkaesque moment of self-loathing want his work obliterated? My friends and I have speculated on a less dramatic theory. When re-runs of a show are not airing, the master tapes are stored in a videotape warehouse somewhere. To house these tapes it costs money. (A monthly charge I imagine…) So, if no one is airing “Hilarious House of Frightenstein” at the moment, then why pay for the cost of housing the master tapes? Insane? Well, it depends I suppose. It’s like internet hosting in a way. People think that just because your site isn’t “live” that you shouldn’t have to pay for the space that “hosts” your site.

Yes folks, the erasure and subsequent eradication of this Canadian legend could quite possibly be simply because someone was too cheap to pay for storage.