I gotta say it, I can’t hold back the rage any longer.

Film Critics who use “rom-com” or “rom-zom-com” or say “torture porn” or add “porn” to the end of another word to form a film-related phrase should be smeared in feces and have urine thrown at them.

It’s not trendy, funny, cute or neat. It’s simply fucking lazy.

There. Whew. I feel better now.

1. Eat broken glass.
2. Shove butter knives into my eye sockets.
3. Get ass-raped by Mike Tyson.
4. Listen to every album of Celine Dion for weeks on end while locked in a small room with no escape.
5. Talk about nothing but the weather with everyone I know.
6. Juggle chainsaws.
7. Attend a series of business meetings with a refrigerator manufacturer.
8. Bungee jump into a pit of sharks and alligators.
9. Watch “Full House” re-runs.
10. Give up beer.

[Sample Scene]

No two-disk set, but whatever. It’s finally on DVD.

The Adam Rifkin classic film of filth and degradation gets the Special Edition treatment.

(4:36:50 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Pan’s Labyrinth - heard of it?
(4:38:56 PM) bad unkle v2.0: happy feet
(4:39:01 PM) bad unkle v2.0: now theres a movie
(4:39:08 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Really?
(4:39:21 PM) bad unkle v2.0: yeah totally go see that
(4:39:29 PM) bad unkle v2.0: compelling and rich
(4:40:08 PM) BuCkSaTaN: I just looked it up. FAK OFF
(4:40:19 PM) bad unkle v2.0: happy feet.. makes you think
(4:40:57 PM) BuCkSaTaN: sighhh
(4:41:02 PM) BuCkSaTaN: I hope you’re kidding.
(4:41:36 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Although, it is directed by George Miller. (Who apparently has no more Mad Max movies in him.)
(4:41:49 PM) bad unkle v2.0: No man.. happy feet..
(4:41:59 PM) bad unkle v2.0: says what we all have been thinking
(4:43:06 PM) BuCkSaTaN: And what might that be?
(4:44:11 PM) bad unkle v2.0: just see it.. and bring a date
(4:44:12 PM) BuCkSaTaN: We’re all monkeys?
(4:44:14 PM) bad unkle v2.0: happy feet
(4:44:27 PM) bad unkle v2.0: theres no monkeys in antartica
(4:45:24 PM) bad unkle v2.0: happy feet.. say it with me
(4:45:24 PM) BuCkSaTaN: hoo boy
(4:45:28 PM) bad unkle v2.0: happy feet
(4:45:31 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Happy… fuck THAT.
(4:45:37 PM) bad unkle v2.0: cmon joe
(4:45:46 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Youre just not ready..
(4:45:49 PM) bad unkle v2.0: someday
(4:45:59 PM) bad unkle v2.0: nothing to be ashamed of
(4:46:06 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Ready for what? To be brainwashed by some fuckin’ animated tripe?
(4:46:10 PM) BuCkSaTaN: bah
(4:46:15 PM) bad unkle v2.0: I was once like you
(4:46:21 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Actually, I enjoyed The Incredibles.
(4:46:27 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Happy Feet
(4:46:40 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Dont you see?
(4:46:42 PM) BuCkSaTaN: There is no way I am watching Happy Feet.
(4:46:59 PM) bad unkle v2.0: We’ll be waiting for you
(4:47:03 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Happy Feet
(4:47:13 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Okay, I’ll do this much. I’ll watch the trailer. One sec.
(4:47:20 PM) bad unkle v2.0: no dont do that
(4:47:23 PM) bad unkle v2.0: DONT
(4:47:27 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Just go
(4:47:41 PM) bad unkle v2.0: say it “Two for happy feet please”
(4:47:47 PM) bad unkle v2.0: feels better just saying it
(4:47:50 PM) BuCkSaTaN: watching now
(4:47:55 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Happy Feet
(4:48:07 PM) bad unkle v2.0: The trailer wont explain whats really going on
(4:48:23 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Jesus christ…
(4:48:33 PM) BuCkSaTaN: I can’t even watch the whole trailer…
(4:48:43 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Youre not ready
(4:48:44 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Idiotic!
(4:49:06 PM) BuCkSaTaN: After about 30 seconds I just wanted someone to shoot me in the face with a high powered rifle!
(4:49:40 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Hmm. Maybe the second trailer is better.
(4:49:46 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Let’s try that.

[BuCkSaTaN: watches second trailer]

(4:51:18 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Oh christ. It’s even worse! Robin Williams singing “My Way” in another language. I’m going to shoot a penguin on my blog in protest.
(4:51:33 PM) bad unkle v2.0: give in to it man
(4:51:38 PM) bad unkle v2.0: let yourself go..
(4:51:41 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Happy Feet
(4:51:53 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Youll come around
(4:52:00 PM) bad unkle v2.0: feel the pull?
(4:52:00 PM) BuCkSaTaN: I highly doubt it.
(4:52:40 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Singing animals. I’ve had it.
(4:53:29 PM) BuCkSaTaN: I am so pissed off right now after watching that I can hardly see.

John Wilson: I would like to tell you a little story.
Mrs. MacGregor: Oh, I love stories.
John Wilson: Well, you mustn’t interrupt now, because you’re way too beautiful to interrupt people. When I was in London in the early 40’s, I was dining one evening at the Savoy with a rather select group of people, and sitting next to me was a very beautiful lady, much like yourself.
Mrs. MacGregor: Now you’re pulling my leg.
John Wilson: Now, just listen, dear. Well, we were dining and the bombs were falling, and we were all talking about Hitler and comparing him with Napoleon, and we were all being really brilliant. And then, suddenly, this beautiful lady, she spoke up and said that was the thing she didn’t mind about Hitler, was the way he was treating the Jews. Well, we all started arguing with her, of course. Though, mind you, no one at the table was Jewish. But she persisted. Are you listening, honey?
Mrs. MacGregor: Mustn’t interrupt Daddy.
John Wilson: That’s right. You’re way too beautiful for that. Anyway, she went on to say that that’s how she felt about it, that if she had her way, she would kill them all, burn them in ovens, like Hitler. Well, we all sat there in silence. Then finally, I leaned over to her and I said, “Madam, I have dined with some of the ugliest goddamn bitches in my time. And I have dined with some of the goddamndest ugly bitches in this world. But you, my dear, are the ugliest bitch of them all.” Well, anyway, she got up to leave and she tripped over a chair and fell on the floor. And we all just sat there. No one raised a hand to help her. And finally when she picked herself up I said to her one more time: “You, my dear, are the ugliest goddamn bitch I have ever dined with.” Well, you know what happened? The very next day, she reported me to the American Embassy. And they brought me in for reprimand. And then when they investigated it, they found out she was a German agent. And they locked her up.
[smiles]
John Wilson: Isn’t that amazing?
Mrs. MacGregor: Why did you tell me that story?
John Wilson: Oh, I don’t know. It wasn’t because I thought you were a German agent, honey. But I was tempted tonight to say the very same thing to you. I didn’t want you to think I had never said it before. You, madam, are the - Well, you know the rest.

Ahhhh Joe Spinell - one of the greatest character actors ever. Period.“Joseph J. Spagnuolo was born on October 28, 1936 in Manhattan, New York City at his family’s apartment on 2nd Avenue. Spinell was a tough guy on and off screen all his life. At age 12, he first acted professional when he appeared as a extra in the play Hello, Dolly. During his teen years, while still in high school, he acted in various plays on the New York stage, on and off Broadway, eventually earning a place in Joe Papp’s Shakespeare Festival Theater. In 1960, he parlayed his stage work into a performing contract for MGM where it was suggested that he change his name to Joe Spinell to make his name easier to pronounce. For nine years, Spinell worked with the group, which was also known as the Theater of the Forgotten, which also put on plays in prisons for the inmates. His minimal salary for his stage work forced him to hold down other jobs to make ends meet. Those jobs included working as a taxi driver, a post office clerk, and a liquor store clerk during Christmas holidays.”
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