joeblog

[3:35] <Kirby>
I hate James Cameron.
Can’t he afford to get a decent haircut?

I miss the days of transgression.

2:47:36 PM BuCkSaTaN: I already have this on DVD – fuck I hate technology…
2:47:59 PM BuCkSaTaN: Apprently now, when I see this new restoration my eyes will explode and my ears will melt, so there’s that.
2:48:04 PM Gjuddy McMudd: right.
2:48:35 PM BuCkSaTaN: I better race over to Future Shop and plunk down my 59.99.
2:48:49 PM Gjuddy McMudd: if you leave now, you can be back for the meeting.
2:48:59 PM BuCkSaTaN: 10 mins? I don’t think so.
2:49:06 PM Gjuddy McMudd: give it a shot
2:49:42 PM BuCkSaTaN: bah…
2:51:23 PM BuCkSaTaN: What next? How crisp and clear can they make films?
2:51:32 PM BuCkSaTaN: I mean this film must have really sucked back in ’74.
2:51:40 PM Gjuddy McMudd: next comes the hollowdeck.
2:51:50 PM Gjuddy McMudd: where we’re actually in the movie.

I gotta say it, I can’t hold back the rage any longer.

Film Critics who use “rom-com”, “rom-zom-com”, “torture porn” (sometimes adding “porn” to the end of another word to form a film-related phrase) or say “double-dipping” to refer to a DVD re-release, should be smeared in feces and have urine thrown at them.

It’s not trendy, funny, cute or neat. It’s simply fucking lazy.

There. Whew. I feel better now.

1. Eat broken glass.
2. Shove butter knives into my eye sockets.
3. Get ass-raped by Mike Tyson.
4. Listen to every album of Celine Dion for weeks on end while locked in a small room with no escape.
5. Talk about nothing but the weather with everyone I know.
6. Juggle chainsaws.
7. Attend a series of business meetings with a refrigerator manufacturer.
8. Bungee jump into a pit of sharks and alligators.
9. Watch “Full House” re-runs.
10. Give up beer.

[Sample Scene]

No two-disk set, but whatever. It’s finally on DVD.

The Adam Rifkin classic film of filth and degradation gets the Special Edition treatment.

(4:36:50 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Pan’s Labyrinth – heard of it?
(4:38:56 PM) bad unkle v2.0: happy feet
(4:39:01 PM) bad unkle v2.0: now theres a movie
(4:39:08 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Really?
(4:39:21 PM) bad unkle v2.0: yeah totally go see that
(4:39:29 PM) bad unkle v2.0: compelling and rich
(4:40:08 PM) BuCkSaTaN: I just looked it up. FAK OFF
(4:40:19 PM) bad unkle v2.0: happy feet.. makes you think
(4:40:57 PM) BuCkSaTaN: sighhh
(4:41:02 PM) BuCkSaTaN: I hope you’re kidding.
(4:41:36 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Although, it is directed by George Miller. (Who apparently has no more Mad Max movies in him.)
(4:41:49 PM) bad unkle v2.0: No man.. happy feet..
(4:41:59 PM) bad unkle v2.0: says what we all have been thinking
(4:43:06 PM) BuCkSaTaN: And what might that be?
(4:44:11 PM) bad unkle v2.0: just see it.. and bring a date
(4:44:12 PM) BuCkSaTaN: We’re all monkeys?
(4:44:14 PM) bad unkle v2.0: happy feet
(4:44:27 PM) bad unkle v2.0: theres no monkeys in antartica
(4:45:24 PM) bad unkle v2.0: happy feet.. say it with me
(4:45:24 PM) BuCkSaTaN: hoo boy
(4:45:28 PM) bad unkle v2.0: happy feet
(4:45:31 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Happy… fuck THAT.
(4:45:37 PM) bad unkle v2.0: cmon joe
(4:45:46 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Youre just not ready..
(4:45:49 PM) bad unkle v2.0: someday
(4:45:59 PM) bad unkle v2.0: nothing to be ashamed of
(4:46:06 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Ready for what? To be brainwashed by some fuckin’ animated tripe?
(4:46:10 PM) BuCkSaTaN: bah
(4:46:15 PM) bad unkle v2.0: I was once like you
(4:46:21 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Actually, I enjoyed The Incredibles.
(4:46:27 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Happy Feet
(4:46:40 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Dont you see?
(4:46:42 PM) BuCkSaTaN: There is no way I am watching Happy Feet.
(4:46:59 PM) bad unkle v2.0: We’ll be waiting for you
(4:47:03 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Happy Feet
(4:47:13 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Okay, I’ll do this much. I’ll watch the trailer. One sec.
(4:47:20 PM) bad unkle v2.0: no dont do that
(4:47:23 PM) bad unkle v2.0: DONT
(4:47:27 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Just go
(4:47:41 PM) bad unkle v2.0: say it “Two for happy feet please”
(4:47:47 PM) bad unkle v2.0: feels better just saying it
(4:47:50 PM) BuCkSaTaN: watching now
(4:47:55 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Happy Feet
(4:48:07 PM) bad unkle v2.0: The trailer wont explain whats really going on
(4:48:23 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Jesus christ…
(4:48:33 PM) BuCkSaTaN: I can’t even watch the whole trailer…
(4:48:43 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Youre not ready
(4:48:44 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Idiotic!
(4:49:06 PM) BuCkSaTaN: After about 30 seconds I just wanted someone to shoot me in the face with a high powered rifle!
(4:49:40 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Hmm. Maybe the second trailer is better.
(4:49:46 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Let’s try that.

[BuCkSaTaN: watches second trailer]

(4:51:18 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Oh christ. It’s even worse! Robin Williams singing “My Way” in another language. I’m going to shoot a penguin on my blog in protest.
(4:51:33 PM) bad unkle v2.0: give in to it man
(4:51:38 PM) bad unkle v2.0: let yourself go..
(4:51:41 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Happy Feet
(4:51:53 PM) bad unkle v2.0: Youll come around
(4:52:00 PM) bad unkle v2.0: feel the pull?
(4:52:00 PM) BuCkSaTaN: I highly doubt it.
(4:52:40 PM) BuCkSaTaN: Singing animals. I’ve had it.
(4:53:29 PM) BuCkSaTaN: I am so pissed off right now after watching that I can hardly see.

Ed Wood is lauded as the world’s worst film director but there’s an inept charm to his work. He had a tenacity and pluck, refusing to give up his offbeat visions of transvestitism, rubber monsters and spacemen. The idea of “so bad it’s good” is synonymous with an Ed Wood production. His films had no production value whatsoever, but the spirit of optimism and good-natured love of film was alive in his poorly written and executed roster.

Nay, I speak of a different breed of awful here. Films that represent nothing but soulless greed and reprehensive nihilism. Projects that masquerade as social commentary, slip into theatres under the guise of entertainment and have nothing to offer in the way of provocative thought. These directors design crass, pointless vehicles for no other reason than to line their pockets enough to embark on their next vapid project. Take a look at the careers of these hacks and note the pattern in their directorial list. Comedies, remakes and sequels litter their resumés. Nothing they’ve made jumps above a six on the imdb.com voting scale. Not only does their work stink like a dead, bloated mouse on a blistering day, their public personas are equally offensive.

I boycott their work and hope that they soon fall by the wayside, having no choice but to get a job in a field they’re more suited, fading away from the realm of the artistic expression and the craft of communicating an idea to a mass audience. I’ve put these directors into no particular order as I find one no better or worse than the other. I refuse to comment on their bodies of work individually, as their C.V’s speak for themselves.

To be fucking continued…

Eli Roth
Stephen Sommers
Brett Ratner