Ad link from Craigslist:

“Flash designer with style HELP ME PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !”

The inside of the ad is even better:

Don’t waste my time with “my rate is 50hr”, I don’t care. Show me talent, honesty, and integrity and then I’ll show you the money.

You can just smell the stink rising off this gig from a mile away…

Hi folks!

Welcome to “Be Your Own Boss”! A segment of joeblog, where I impart useless wisdom and hi-larious anecdotes to all you young internet-hipsters out there!

You may be asking, “What information could joeblog possibly give me that I couldn’t find by typing it into Google?” Well, that’s where you’re naive, friend. What I’m about to give you here is the time honored and conventional concept of experience! Something no cold and sterile Google-bot could rack up on some generic hit-list for you.

“Well, like what?” you could be wondering, while scratching your pimply, dandruff encrusted melon. That’s exactly what I’m about to get to, chuckles! Read on, oh weary ‘net wanderer and learn… yes, learn… from my years of hellish torment at the hands of porn merchants and dopey businessmen!*

Swallow Your Pride
“That may be easier said than done!” you’re probably shouting at your monitor right about now, but it’s something that has to be done if you’re going to be successful as a “web-lackey”.

Ever found yourself slogging through the worst piece of shit you’ve ever produced online? Something you’d be too embarrased to even show your mother, when finished? Well, if you haven’t, then you’ve never really produced anything of worth anyway and should probably start scanning the want-ads under “fry cook” instead of reading this blog, little grasshopper.

My new catch phrase for working on something that’s purely for profit and exquisite torture to build is now going to be “It’s like working on porn!” - and trust me, if you’ve ever worked on porn you will have come to realize just how vapid and unfulfilling that particular brand of design becomes. There’s been many a day where I’d enjoy deleting an entire website from my server, moving to another postal code and changing my phone number. Until I’m able to become “Gardener to the Stars” (my dream job), that’ll never happen, so in the meantime, here’s a few quick tips to wile away the boredom while working on “beer-money drek”.

1. Lie to yourself!
Pretend that this waste of bandwidth you’re currently creating will yield further gobs of cash. Look at it as an “investment” of sorts. Absoltuely ignore the fact that this investment could very well tank and go belly up, but it’ll get you through those hard times of mind-numbing, “Oh, sweet death take me now!!” moments.

2. Procrastinate.
Procrastinating is a wonderful ‘tool’ used by creative types since Homer. (No, not Simpson…dipshit…) If it’s good enough for Homer, it’s good enough for you, fat-head! Just remember, eventually - especially if you’ve been handed some form of down-payment - you will have to get to work!

Only use this one in cases where a lengthy or non-existent deadline exists…

3. Automate.
Automate as many tasks as humanly possibly. Use every cheap wysiwyg and thumbnail whosit to knock this fucker out asap! Don’t worry about the client - they have no idea what constitutes an eye-catching, color correct or navigable website anyway. (Oh yeah, and burn that stupid ‘graphic design’ diploma while you’re at it.)

Hmm. Well, that’s it for today kids! I’ve got a meeting this afternoon and I have to get back to work! Hope this helps and tune again next time for another blog entry for “Be Your Own Boss”!

Next: Ignorance is Hell!

——-

*note: the dopey businessmen referred to in “Be Your Own Boss” are either ones no longer affiliated with me or on their way out the fucking door. Similarities to assholes either you or I know are purely co-incidental.

In these “digitally savvy” times, everyone on the planet thinks they know something about the Internet and computers. Being a web-designer myself (through various poor life decisions and lack of interest in getting a real job), I have dealt with several types of corporate and independent clients, some of whom for one reason or another just can’t seem to get their shit together.

In the interest of not only blowing off a little steam, but so that I may create a solid plan of attack for one day get some poor slob like myself to make web-sites for me, I’ve put together a little checklist on how to become your own big-wig boss-man through managing your very own personal web lackey.

Here are the Ten Rules of Engagement:

1. Bug the stupid fuck every day and ask him if shit’s done - regardless of agreed upon deadlines or lack thereof…

2. Pay him very little, yet hound him at home all hours of the night, call him on his cell whenever the fancy strikes you and completely disregard regular “working stiff” business hours.

3. Criticize his/her spec work as if they work for you full-time. Sayings such as “Your work is shit compared to this site…” [send URL] should be a part of your daily mantras to the web lackey. Make them re-do layouts over and over again (15 is a good number to keep in mind) quibbling about the most minute detail as if the entire site depended on it.

4. Make him ask you several times for his/her pay - or better yet, say it was sent and forget he asked for it. They won’t bother to match the cheque date against the postmark date! They’re Web Lackeys!

5. Send him personal checks, mis-spell his name or issue it with his personal name on it (not the company name) then fedex it to the wrong address, no matter how many times you’ve asked him for the right fucking one.

6. Give him no direction as to what you really want, use catch phrases that make no sense, like “make it more vibrant”, “I want it to be crisp” or use various food phrasings like “sweeten”, “spicy” or the ultimate vague commentary on all things creative; “sexy”. Really, anything that starts with an “S” should mean you’re on the right track.

7. Give him the hope that you’ve got another great project in the hopper then don’t call him for months and forget you even mentioned the project. (Once you do finally call him, make sure that what you need done must be done that day.)

8. Make sure all projects commence and end on a Friday by or on 5PM. The more pressure you apply to this “deadline” the better. Who needs to organize anything on Monday when there’s a full weekend in front of you on Friday? As well, regarding work week calls, only call your web designer after you’ve done all your work for the day. The optimum time to get your lackey to start a job is around 3:52PM, after he’s been well rested from a day of doing nothing but waiting for your call.

9. Rarely, if ever commend him for his hard work. If you really must compliment the web lackey, make sure you stomp all over that praise the following day, once your chiropractor or your mechanic’s cousin has had a look at your web site and given their informed opinion.

10. Never betray the fact that you could care less about the toil and/or helpfulness of your Web Lackey and never admit to yourself how selfish, stupid and greedy you are in your quest to squeeze every dime out of this chaotic machine called the Internet.