Today, appropriately, as the Ted Rogers funeral takes place across the street from work, I am embroiled in an idiotic game of beaurocratic email tennis with management over at my soon-to-be-ex mobile phone provider.

I may not be the shiniest bauble in the jewelery box, but I will say that my patience is finally at an end with a branch of the company I have lauded since I became a producer/facilitator of digital content way back in 1994.

Below, is the moronic exchange between myself and various dildoes in the Rogers Wireless offices, starting with a measly shill, then finally escalating with a higher up and finally ending with my exasperated closure. This all started when I upgraded to a Blackberry Bold a couple of months ago. For you true consumer masochists, you may refer to my rant on that incident here.

These are the subsequent emails. Try to get through them without screaming. I dare you.

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My Initial Plea:

Subject — Your Cellular General Inquiry

Comments — To whom it may concern,

I am very upset with Rogers wireless service of late. As a customer of over fifteen years, I have been treated very poorly when upgrading my phone from a Blackberry 8800 to a Blackberry Bold.

I received the phone in good time but never received the Talkspot service (or rather the wireless router). This would be enough to make me rethink my contract with Rogers, but when I received my bill I was:

A. Overcharged $250 dollars for the Blackberry. ($725 – when the phone was $450.) B. Charged twice for a router I didn’t receive. ($160)

To add insult to injury, a mere two months later after finally straightening this all out, I see that Rogers is offering the same Blackberry model for just $199!

This is outrageous. I do not understand how it is that Rogers can overcharge their customers then turn around and try to hook new customers by lowering services then not offering it to current longstanding customers.

I would like to know what the cost of buying my contract out would be or when it is finally up, I am moving to entirely new provider.

First Response by Customer Service Rep #1

Thank you for taking the time to write to us, we appreciate your use of online customer service.

In your recent email, you have informed us that you have been over billed for your BlackBerry and router.

We can assist you with this.

Unfortunately, due to our enhanced security measures, the information that you provided in your previous e-mail was insufficient information to access your account. We kindly ask that you reply to this e-mail with your date of birth.

Once we have all the required information to access your account, we will be more than happy to assist you in resolving your issue.

We are pleased to have been able to address your inquiry. For additional information please visit our website at www.rogers.com. You are a valued customer and we thank you for your business.

For future email correspondence with respect to this e-mail, please quote reference number XXXXXX.

My annoyed response:

That’s great, but if you read my email you will notice that that particular issue has been resolved.

1. My contention is with the fact that you’ve charged me $450 dollars for a Blackberry (minus the $50 in rebate) and then offer it to new users a scant 2 months later for $199.

2. What is the cost of buying out the term of my contract.

Why don’t you just come clean with me and tell me why you feel the need to rip people off like this?

The Escalated Return by another CSR:

Thank you for taking the time to write to us, we appreciate your use of online customer service.

In your recent email, you have inquired about the early cancellation fee for cancelling your services with Rogers. You also advised us that you paid $400.00 for your Blackberry Bold and the price is now reduced to $199.00 Regarding the upgrade, we’ll certainly look into this for you however for security reasons we need a little more information to access your account. Please reply to this email with your date of birth and account password/PIN (only if applicable, not the same as your rogers.com password). Once we have this information we will be able to assist you further.

For future email correspondence with respect to this e-mail, please quote reference number XXXXXXX.

My response:

My account number is: X-XXX-XXXX – not sure what you mean by PIN…

Stalling tactics by yet another CSR:

In your recent email, you have provided your account number.

As requested in the previous email, we require your date of birth before accessing your account. This is to ensure we are accessing the correct account, and enables us to provide accurate information.

If you do not wish to provide us with your date of birth by email, we understand, and would ask that you contact our Customer Service Department at 1-888-764-3771, and one of our Customer Service Representatives will be pleased to assist you.

We appreciate your continuing patronage. We await your reply.

For future email correspondence with respect to this e-mail, please quote reference number XXXXXX.

I grudgingly supply the birth-date.

Then, finally an “answer”! (with a forth CSR responding). If, while reading this, you feel the need to get dizzy and vomit, feel free – this is merely Rogers’ attempt to use subterfuge to get me to stop writing them. (And stop fucking thanking me! I’ll thank you, Rogers, when and if you provide real answers and give your long standing customer a break.)

Thank you for contacting us again via online customer service.

In your recent email you provided us with your date of birth, in order to access your account.

Our hardware upgrade program has four different price tiers and the range of prices is calculated on your total revenue (excluding taxes, NSF charges, late payment fees and the last two bill balances) At Rogers we value our existing customers as much as new customers. With this in mind the hardware upgrade program was created, where hardware upgrades can be offered to existing customers at a discounted price once every 12 months. With the hardware upgrade program all customers also receive a $50.00 mail in rebate to help with the cost of the wireless phone purchase.

Hardware is subsidized for a new customer based on the length of term they sign and on the amount of their price plan. The price may be greater then that of a new customer due to an original obligation not yet being fulfilled, or due to lower revenues. Rogers wants to ensure you can replace your hardware as needed, we do not restrict you to wait until the end date of the original agreement; but the subsidy on a new handset takes the original agreement and accumulated revenue into account.

We can see from viewing your account that your contract is up December 10, 2011. If there are any alternatives to cancellation that we can explore with you, please do not hesitate to let us know.

Please note we do require 30 days notice for cancellation. An Early Cancellation Fee (ECF) applies if, for any reason, your service is terminated prior to the end of the service agreement. The ECF is charged at a minimum of $100 and a maximum of $400 and is calculated as $20 per month remaining in the service agreement. The ECF will be applied to each line in the plan that is terminated.

If you subscribed to your price plan before February 1, 2007 and you have not completed a hardware upgrade or changed your price plan after, the ECF will be equal to $20 times the number of months remaining in the term, to a maximum of $200.

Please be advised that we cannot cancel accounts over email.

If you have any further questions or concerns, please reply to this email or contact our Wireless Customer Care department, 24/7 at 1-888-ROGERS1. For more information about our terms and conditions please visit www.rogers.com/terms.

Thank you for choosing Rogers, we appreciate your feedback. You are a valued customer.

For future email correspondence with respect to this e-mail, please quote reference number XXXXXX.

My patience is getting very thin, but I forge ahead:

Regarding your hardware upgrade program, I have a few questions.

If the price of the wireless phone is calculated on my “total revenue”, if by definition this means the amount of money I have spent with Rogers since the start of my wireless account, then should the price of the phone not be less than the price of the phone offered to a new customer? Ergo, if I have been charged $449.00 for a Blackberry Bold (with the offer of a 50 dollar rebate), how is it that the phone is currently being advertised for $199 to new customers? (If I were to get the rebate as well.)

“The price may be greater then that of a new customer due to an original obligation not yet being fulfilled, or due to lower revenues.”

Could you specify, according to my account, what obligation(s) I have yet to fulfill and a breakdown of why the price of the Blackberry Bold is, in my case, greater in cost, than a new customer contract/purchase, by that of double?

As for the cancellation fee, could you please calculate what the total cost would be, were I to cancel for January 1, 2009?

Their response (typos intact).

DEar Joe Deagnon,

Thank you for using our online customer service.

Customer Service is very important to Rogers Communications. We continually strive to exceed our customers’ expectations and the Email Team “Ecare” would like to apologize for the delay in responding to your inquiry.

Your past emaisl have been concerning your new Blackberry pricing and your price plan contract.

You have reached the Management Support Team. Our hardware upgrade program is partly based on your tenure with Rogers and partly based on the revenue generated on your account. Revenue is accumulated This will be different for each customer depending on when they activated or upgraded and how much they spend each month. Your tier reflects your current accumulated revenue since January 1, 2001 or from the date of your last hardware upgrade after January 2001 which was October 2007. This tier will change as your revenue accumulates, providing you with an opportunity to obtain a more favourable handset at a reduced cost to you.

When a phone is upgraded the cost of the phone is subsidized. In order for Rogers to provide the subsidized pricing we require a commitment from our customer to remain a loyal Rogers customer, therefore a contract renewal is required.

All Rogers Wireless customers are entitled to receive a rebate when they first join our network. In some cases this is a very large rebate, which can bring the cost of the phone to zero dollars. Although in most cases the rebate will simply reduce the cost of the phone substantially. When a new customer takes advantage of a phone offer, a large portion of that charge is picked up by Rogers. This is something that we happily do for our new subscribers.

Your wireless phone has a three year commitment, therefore the cancellation fee would be $400.00.

Thank you for writing to Rogers.com. We appreciate your business.

My Response:

You still have not answered my question.

The price I paid for the Blackberry is NOT a reduced cost compared to the promotion you are currently running to NEW customers.

See below and please respond ASAP with details as to how you calculate this and why I paid $450 dollars for a Blackberry as a long time customer. I would like a straight answer and the ability to take advantage of these “reduced” costs you mention as I feel like I have been taken advantage of.

Thank you for taking the time to write to us, we appreciate your use of online customer service.

The price provided to you at the time you chose the Blackberry was based on revenue and your past hardware upgrade history. We note that you have taken advantage of the hardware upgrade program over the past few years. Rogers subsidizes the cost of the phones to new and existing customers. All new customers are provided with a reduced cost on the phone, however, once established, they will receive upgrades at a reduced cost dependent on their revenue, just as existing customers. New customer pricing is a one time offer only.

Thank you for writing to Rogers.com. We value your business.

For future email correspondence with respect to this e-mail, please quote reference number XXXXXX.

So, the more I spend with you – the more I get charged for a hardware upgrade?

What is this? A robot? A form letter? This is bullshit. I’ll be buying out my contract at the earliest opportunity and going with another provider.

Thanks for NOT giving me the specific information I have requested three times now.

Thank you for taking the time to write to us, we appreciate your use of online customer service. We have provided the policy information regarding hardware upgrades for existing customers and for new customers as requested in our previous emails.

Thank you for writing to Rogers.com.

For future email correspondence with respect to this e-mail, please quote reference number XXXXXX.

My final, exasperated response:

haha. I give up. Uncle.