Rules of a Messenger
Got a messenger? Be it AOL, MSN, ICQ, iChat, Yahoo or otherwise, I’ve decided to give you all a little etiquette lesson in how to use, or rather abuse, your online presence as an individual. If you’ve never used a messenger, just make sure you follow these ten easy steps to online ignorance and you’ll be the “death of the party” in no time:
1. Always leave the messenger in “available” mode.
Why bother telling people you’re “away”, “not available” or “do not disturb” when you can just ignore their petty messages? Time saved is time earned when you don’t use the simple pull-down menu to alert people of your online status.
2. Go make a sandwich in the middle of a conversation.
Regardless of how exciting or tedious your conversation with someone, always feel the inalienable right to just get up out of your seat and take a dump, wash your face or clean the cat box. It’s a sign of power and control. People may berate you for being a careless and selfish asshole, but hey, who cares?! It’s not as if the same etiquette that applies to a phone or physical conversation applies to something as inane and impersonal as a computer dialogue, right? What you’re doing is ALWAYS more important than the other guy!
4. Berate your foe.
If you can’t get a hold of the person you want to speak to, just continue to berate and terrify them. There’s no laws in place to put restraining orders on messenger bullying, yet, so DO YOUR WORST. I myself like to just come up with a “crazy line” and copy and paste it to my victim, over and over, until the messenger tells me the text count is at it’s limit. The other party isn’t even there, so you’ll have fun typing incessantly, then, once your victim comes back to the computer after doing the dishes, you’ll be long gone!
Here’s a quick example of one of my favorite tactics! (of course it’s been used on my good chum, Gjuddy McMudd.)
http://paranoidcomix.com/joeblog/?p=142
5. Use one word replies.
Nothing annoys someone on a messenger more than when you cease to use proper grammar or punctuation. It’s fun and less work! For example, instead of responding to the question “So what have you been up to?” with a decent, courteous and interested response, just reply “nothin”. Once the other party prods for further information, give as little detail as possible, because as we all know, we just want this annoying fucker to get lost. So, in the case of a proposed discussion from your antagonist, on the merits of “The Residents”, that starts; “Some of this reminds me of Bongo Fury or Primus. They aren’t really songs exactly… it’s hard to describe…like, performance art. “, your reply should simply be: “gotcha”.
Let your victim flounder and sputter - this way, they’ll fuck off faster.
6. Invisibility is Your Friend.
Got a stalker? Can’t stand half the idiots you’ve accumulated on your messenger? Either develop icons to differentiate them from your “true” friends or use the invisibility feature, built into most chat products. In this day and age of lies and false promises, why shouldn’t anonymity be the cornerstone for avoiding responsibility for one’s actions? Instead of facing up to your true feelings, hide and cower from your foes, then speak only to the ones that will provide entertaining conversation. The digital social paradigm commands it so! Besides, being invisible is almost like being a really cool super-hero.
7. Collect ‘em All!
Think all the friends from your past give a good goddamn what you’re up to? Regardless, find out what their messenger nic is, add ‘em to your list and every once and a while subject yourself to the excruciating torture of wondering what they’re doing “out loud”! They’ll provide you with some lame back-story that’ll have you reaching for a six-pack or rail of cocaine in seconds! Add to your already miserable life by seeing how someone you haven’t had contact with in years has either become more successful than you, or ended up working in the “machine” that gave you this idiotic convenience in the first place. If they don’t respond, use step 4 to your heart’s content.
8. Use Non Sequiturs
Gjuddy is a “master”:http://paranoidcomix.com/joeblog/?p=132 at sending me non-sensical phrases that we end up arguing over on “Proteus”:http://www.macupdate.com/info.php/id/12319 for a good long while. Throwing deliciously out of context passages from random websites confuses and annoys your target. When they try to probe further as to what you mean, act angry that they can’t figure out your garbled english.
9. Don’t Finish What You’ve Started.
In the world of the internet, it’s easy to back out of a conversation you’ve lost interest in. It’s not like you have to shake hands or say “See you later chum!” at the end of every conversation you start. Once you’ve become bored or listless of the blithering gibberish your idiot friend continues to type, just walk away. In fact, my favorite tactic is to just type “bah!” and leave it at that. Then you can go about the business of watching “Full House” re-runs or masturbating, which is always more fun than talking to some imbecile or wasting your precious life on some soul-sucking lunatic.
10. Shut The Fucking Thing Off.
Finally, once you’ve had it with everyone and their inane banter, banal chit-chat and links to idiotic web-sites - especially when you’re in the midst of several conversations - just hastily quit the chat application as a final “fuck you” to everyone you know, do business with or care about. It’s the way of the ‘net!
Now that you’ve got the basics of chat ethics, why not get out there and chat up a storm! The world of social interaction awaits you…
Caveat Emptor!
err… oh yeah… most messengers are free.
Huzzah!
September 11th, 2005 at 6:44 pm
11. SUPER BUSY! ! !
Having a bad day? Are you three syllables from your total breaking point? Are you in fear daily and almost hourly of losing your useless job? So you’ll know there is nothing worse then msn friends or co-workers sending you usless banter and hellos all day long. Sometimes it’s like some people sit watching their contact list and send “hellos” or “sup” to everyone that appears and reappears on-line. They don’t say much else other then to occasionally mention they are tired, bored, hate their job, hungover, or all of thh above. Ok, my point was, that rather than popping your head like a ballon and losing all forms of hell on them. Just tel them that you’re busy. Say “I’m busy.”. See how easy that was, well let’s work on the original a bit to make sure they understand. Say “busy”. Joe’s original rules for one word answers without punctuation still applies. Let’s take it one step further, let’s let people know that the reason you can’t stop to say hello is because you have so much work, every minute of every day, that you cannot possibly send them a message, not now not later today, NEVER! Now because of the extreme conditions that exist, Joe’s rule of no punctuation no longer applies. Say “SUPER BUSY! ! ! ! ! !”. After using this technique for a while, you will find that if you simply reply to everyone that sends you a message with SUPER BUSY! ! ! ! ! ! that everyone in the company and even in the world that you msn, will think you spend all of your time working SUPER DUPER HARD on important company business.