joeblog

Top Ten Favorite Films of All Time

1. The Cook, The Thief, Her Wife and His Lover
2. Withnail and I
3. Gummo
4. Videodrome
5. Jaws
6. Goodfellas
7. Husbands and Wives
8. Romeo is Bleeding
9. How To Get Ahead in Advertising
10. Ichi The Killer
(Okay the last one was a tie between “Ichi the Killer” and “The Conversation”.)

I’m going to write this and let whoever reads it make of it what they will.

Microsoft Entourage (or Outlook Express to you Windoze people) will allow “shit”, “piss”, “fuck”, “cocksucker”, “motherfucker”, and “tits” in it’s red underlined auto spell check, but disallows “cunt”.

Why not “cunt“?

Why in God’s name do “entrepreneurs” with gobs of cash think that by wrangling a bunch of 3D artists and programmers will build a better fuck? It’s completely idiotic and is still only about one thing bulging in someone’s pants: the maker’s wallet!

“Trying to masturbate while playing this game would be like being alone at night, seeing an unfamiliar ghoulish face appear in one of your windows and then immediately laying down on the couch for a nap. Try all you want you are not going to be able to relax.”

“Something Awful Porn Game Review”:http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3207

Well folks, Gjuddy and I got on the topic of headcheese for some reason – maybe it was my previous post as Gjuddy has a problem with liverwurst as well – and I found this amazing site with an appropriate description on a not so appropriate “background site.

(3:54:42 PM) gjuddy mcmudd: “adds a distinctive and memorable quality”
(3:54:53 PM) BuCkSaTaN™: UHHHH LOOK AT THAT PAGE WOULD YA!
(3:55:05 PM) BuCkSaTaN™: Good christ
(3:55:07 PM) BuCkSaTaN™: “the meaty chunks of a cow’s, sheep’s, or pig’s head, chopped and combined with a savory gelatinous broth and allowed to cool in a mold”
(3:55:09 PM) BuCkSaTaN™: haha
(3:55:12 PM) gjuddy mcmudd: looks like maggots
(3:55:16 PM) BuCkSaTaN™: “gelatinous broth”
(3:55:56 PM) BuCkSaTaN™: Who in FUCK is going to use that as a background.
(3:56:30 PM) BuCkSaTaN™: I prefer the olive loaf background. Less mystery.
(4:03:43 PM) BuCkSaTaN™: “especially if left undiscovered for a few warm days”???
(4:03:47 PM) BuCkSaTaN™: oh yeah, I’m there!
(4:05:31 PM) gjuddy mcmudd: blah
(4:06:14 PM) BuCkSaTaN™: Good lord… what an invention. Liverwurst is tame in comparison.

Another in the “old man” sandwich series, these time honored lunches are for the bachelor, the home office worker or for someone just too damn lazy to make a proper meal in this fast-paced work-a-day world.

What you’ll need:

2 pieces of bread
(white, bleached crap – bread is simply the device in which the real food is held.)
A tube of Piller’s liverwurst.
(Can be regular flavor, although I prefer onion and garlic myself.)
Lettuce
(iceberg – nothing fancy, merely there for the texture.)
Salt and pepper
Margarine or Butter

The bread absolutely must be fresh. I suggest “Wonder Bread” since with the amount of bleaching and preservatives, it’ll go stale somewhere around the time frame of 2 years. Slather the bread in butter (both sides, cheapskate). Tear open the lettuce and put three large pieces to the side for now. Open the Piller’s with a serrated knife and cut off half-inch hunks from the roll. place around five of these little disks of taste explosion on one half of the bread. drop the slices of lettuce on top of that. Mash the top half buttered bread on that, making sure the butter keeps it all together. Slice in half. Wash down with a ice cold beer of choice. (Oh yeah and wash the lettuce for bugs – you don’t want any fuckin’ surprises.)

Got a messenger? Be it AOL, MSN, ICQ, iChat, Yahoo or otherwise, I’ve decided to give you all a little etiquette lesson in how to use, or rather abuse, your online presence as an individual. If you’ve never used a messenger, just make sure you follow these ten easy steps to online ignorance and you’ll be the “death of the party” in no time:

1. Always leave the messenger in “available” mode.
Why bother telling people you’re “away”, “not available” or “do not disturb” when you can just ignore their petty messages? Time saved is time earned when you don’t use the simple pull-down menu to alert people of your online status.

2. Go make a sandwich in the middle of a conversation.
Regardless of how exciting or tedious your conversation with someone, always feel the inalienable right to just get up out of your seat and take a dump, wash your face or clean the cat box. It’s a sign of power and control. People may berate you for being a careless and selfish asshole, but hey, who cares?! It’s not as if the same etiquette that applies to a phone or physical conversation applies to something as inane and impersonal as a computer dialogue, right? What you’re doing is ALWAYS more important than the other guy!

4. Berate your foe.
If you can’t get a hold of the person you want to speak to, just continue to berate and terrify them. There’s no laws in place to put restraining orders on messenger bullying, yet, so DO YOUR WORST. I myself like to just come up with a “crazy line” and copy and paste it to my victim, over and over, until the messenger tells me the text count is at it’s limit. The other party isn’t even there, so you’ll have fun typing incessantly, then, once your victim comes back to the computer after doing the dishes, you’ll be long gone!

Here’s a quick example of one of my favorite tactics! (of course it’s been used on my good chum, Gjuddy McMudd.)

http://paranoidcomix.com/joeblog/?p=142

5. Use one word replies.
Nothing annoys someone on a messenger more than when you cease to use proper grammar or punctuation. It’s fun and less work! For example, instead of responding to the question “So what have you been up to?” with a decent, courteous and interested response, just reply “nothin”. Once the other party prods for further information, give as little detail as possible, because as we all know, we just want this annoying fucker to get lost. So, in the case of a proposed discussion from your antagonist, on the merits of “The Residents”, that starts; “Some of this reminds me of Bongo Fury or Primus. They aren’t really songs exactly… it’s hard to describe…like, performance art. “, your reply should simply be: “gotcha”.

Let your victim flounder and sputter – this way, they’ll fuck off faster.

6. Invisibility is Your Friend.
Got a stalker? Can’t stand half the idiots you’ve accumulated on your messenger? Either develop icons to differentiate them from your “true” friends or use the invisibility feature, built into most chat products. In this day and age of lies and false promises, why shouldn’t anonymity be the cornerstone for avoiding responsibility for one’s actions? Instead of facing up to your true feelings, hide and cower from your foes, then speak only to the ones that will provide entertaining conversation. The digital social paradigm commands it so! Besides, being invisible is almost like being a really cool super-hero.

7. Collect ‘em All!
Think all the friends from your past give a good goddamn what you’re up to? Regardless, find out what their messenger nic is, add ‘em to your list and every once and a while subject yourself to the excruciating torture of wondering what they’re doing “out loud”! They’ll provide you with some lame back-story that’ll have you reaching for a six-pack or rail of cocaine in seconds! Add to your already miserable life by seeing how someone you haven’t had contact with in years has either become more successful than you, or ended up working in the “machine” that gave you this idiotic convenience in the first place. If they don’t respond, use step 4 to your heart’s content.

8. Use Non Sequiturs
Gjuddy is a “master”:http://paranoidcomix.com/joeblog/?p=132 at sending me non-sensical phrases that we end up arguing over on “Proteus”:http://www.macupdate.com/info.php/id/12319 for a good long while. Throwing deliciously out of context passages from random websites confuses and annoys your target. When they try to probe further as to what you mean, act angry that they can’t figure out your garbled english.

9. Don’t Finish What You’ve Started.
In the world of the internet, it’s easy to back out of a conversation you’ve lost interest in. It’s not like you have to shake hands or say “See you later chum!” at the end of every conversation you start. Once you’ve become bored or listless of the blithering gibberish your idiot friend continues to type, just walk away. In fact, my favorite tactic is to just type “bah!” and leave it at that. Then you can go about the business of watching “Full House” re-runs or masturbating, which is always more fun than talking to some imbecile or wasting your precious life on some soul-sucking lunatic.

10. Shut The Fucking Thing Off.
Finally, once you’ve had it with everyone and their inane banter, banal chit-chat and links to idiotic web-sites – especially when you’re in the midst of several conversations – just hastily quit the chat application as a final “fuck you” to everyone you know, do business with or care about. It’s the way of the ‘net!

Now that you’ve got the basics of chat ethics, why not get out there and chat up a storm! The world of social interaction awaits you…

Caveat Emptor!
err… oh yeah… most messengers are free.

Huzzah!

“http://www.somethingawful.com”:http://www.somethingawful.com

One of my favorite sites is having a very rough time.
Further proof the internet sucks donkey cock.

UPDATE:
This post was in reference to the downtime of Something Awful, which turned out to be the disaster that hit New Orleans.

Sitting on the shitter, reading Henry Miller – the Indian bidet tale from “Tropic of Cancer“. Jazz wafts in from the kitchen radio, a soothing backdrop to an otherwise hectic day. I fall out of the book and into reverie. My eyes continue to move across the page without absorbing a single word. A hot calabrese salami sandwich and a Corona. That’ll make a fine lunch.

——-

“For some reason or another man looks for the miracle, and to accomplish it he will wade through blood. He will debauch himself with ideas, he will reduce himself to a shadow if for only one second of his life he can close his eyes to the hideousness of reality.”
- Henry Miller