joeblog

Ya know, the Japanese are one weird bunch, I have to say. With their hardcore bondage fetishes, bukkake and horror films it seems like anything goes over there, which is fine with me. I found this little “gem” while searching on Snopes for a rumor about iodine and Tim Horton’s coffee, under the “snuff” category. (Don’t ask..) Anyway, without further ado, and a strong warning about hitting this site after you’ve downed that juicy hamburger for lunch, I present: “Guinea Pig Films!”

[seriously, folks... not for the squeamish.]

1. “Addicted to Love”
Mushy, melodramatic romantic, yet cruel comedy directed by Griffin Dunne. It’s got Matthew Broderick at his most milquetoast and Meg Ryan at her most button-cute, no matter how much black liner is smeared around her eyes. The greatest thing about the film is Tchéky Karyo, as the Frenchman in New York. The perfect film to watch when in the throes of a brutal hangover on a Sunday morning. Don’t puke on your slippers!

2. “Practical Magic”
Oddly enough, another Griffin Dunne directed film. Not quite as riveting or violent or sexy as “The Witches of Eastwick” but could be considered it’s dopey little niece. I still can’t stand Sandra Bullock, but as the mousey central character, she plays quite nicely off of Nicole Kidman’s firey bed-hopping tramp. Stockard Channing and Diane Wiest are very good as the wacky aunts that take care of the younger, wayward witches.

3. “Coach”
Okay, I hear the moans. I have no idea why I like this idiotic sitcom, but honestly, whenever Jerry Van Dyke is on screen I can’t help but burst into convulsions of laughter. The Van Dykes are masters of the art form, what can I say? They could excise Dobber, but he’s the perfect “straight man” to Van Dyke’s off the cuff insanity. And of course, Craig T. Nelson, who I’ve liked as an actor since his bit part in “Where the Buffalo Roam” as a paranoid police witness to a hippie bust. Fuck it – it’s a funny show.

4. “Just Shoot Me”
Okay, this sitcom I’m not even really that embarrassed to admit I like. I’ll watch anything with David Spade in it. Anything. Just like I used to watch anything with Dan Aykroyd in the eighties. (Found out the hard way that was a bad idea upon re-watching “Trading Places“.) Look, this is a show created by someone who’s written for “Frasier”, “The Larry Sanders Show” and er… “Greg the Bunny”. Er… uh.. yeah. Bah! I love Wendie Malick (from “Dream On” – one of the few decent 80′s sitcoms), Enrico Colantoni as Spade’s foil and George Segal’s classic rendition of the tryanical, yet good-hearted CEO at a New York fashion magazine. I’ll watch 20 of these in a row if they’re on.

5. “Star 80″
Sleazy, exploitive, distasteful, poorly acted Bob Fosse nightmare. (And those are it’s good points!) I don’t know why, but every time this is on television, I’m sucked in. Sucked in by Eric Roberts absolutely skin-crawling performance as Paul Snider, boyfriend/manager/murderer of Dorothy Stratten, sucked in by Mariel Hemmingway breaking out of her “dyke-ish” status by showing us she could be a bimbo and sucked in by Cliff Robertson, as the worst Hefner ever. Hey, it’s better than liking “Showgirls”.

6. “Mythbusters”
Put a Snopes list of myths, a workshop full of tools and tons of explosives in the hands of a couple of special effects nerds and you’ll get what Mythbusters is pretty much about. A lot of stuff get blowed up real good! Jamie Hyneman is the cynical, practical one of the duo and Adam Savage is the poor bastard that usually ends up getting beaten, bruised and his eyebrows burnt off. Great fun, I think. For the 8 year old in all of us.

7. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel”
My pals are always bustin’ my balls over my love for these shows, but they’re undeniable cultish, well-written and fun to watch. The reason Joss Whedon’s work keeps getting yanked off the air is, more than likely, because the network chowder-heads are of the same close-minded disposition as the rest of the people that refuse to give these rich, multilayered series’ their due. In fact, even by putting them on this list I may be adding to the stigma surrounding them. Too bad. Damn the uninitiated!

8. Bad 80′s Horror Films
“From Beyond”, “Re-Animator”, “Nightmare on Elm Street”, the first “Friday the 13th” and many others are great fun to watch, but maaan, they don’t hold up over time. Still, I really enjoy them for what they are.

9. Big Budget Disaster Films
“A Perfect Storm”, “Titanic” and the like, are both romantic in nature, and yet, major characters die by drowning. I think this fascination started with me after, as a wee child, I was subjected to “Wake of the Red Witch”:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0040946/ where the lead character, played by John Wayne, drowns in his own deep-sea diving suit. (Haven’t seen it? Sorry.) That, and I almost drowned once. This film could also explain why I like cheesy horror films since (according to imdb) the rubber octopus used in this movie was later stolen by Edward D. Wood Jr.’s crew and used in Bride of the Monster (1955).

10. Playing Video Games
I always used to say that life was frustrating enough without the simulated competition of video games. Somehow though, it’s a valid form of entertainment that takes you places when you just need to pretend you’re someone else. A pleasant diversion, it should never be taken obsessively. “Case in point”:http://paranoidcomix.com/joeblog/?p=91 , these online “Massively Multiplayer” online worlds that replace one’s life rather than create harmless entertainment.

Wow. I don’t even know what to say. Maybe they’ll get a cameo in the next Austin Powers film. [shudder]

This delightful dish is a time honored lunch for those on the go, working overtime or just can’t be bothered to make anything else. And, because the key ingredients are always the last things in the pantry, you’ll never have to run down to the market.

What you’ll need:

2 pieces of bread
1 spanish (or red) onion
1 block Canadian cheddar
Dijon mustard
Margarine or Butter

Throw the two pieces of bread into a toaster of your choice. While the bread is toasting, cut large hunks of the cheddar, then slice thin pieces of the onion – as much as you’re willing to handle. Once the toast pops, slather with butter – or a cheap margarine works best. Cover the one slice of bread with Dijon, throw on a plate – cut in half. Wash down with a half-cup of cold coffee.

(10:20:28 AM) gjuddy mcmudd: would you pick a fucking state!?
(10:20:36 AM) gjuddy mcmudd: online…offline…online…offline
(10:20:48 AM) gjuddy mcmudd: online…offline…online…offline
(10:21:51 AM) BuCkSaTaN™: Maybe you want to turn off your sounds if it’s so annoying. That’s why the internet has so many personal options you see. It’s about freedom. Freedom of choice. Liberty to choose. Yes, it’s an unrestricted, unfettered playground, where everyone has the right to make their own decisions.
(10:22:14 AM) gjuddy mcmudd: over and over again
(10:22:20 AM) gjuddy mcmudd: light goes on…light goes off
(10:22:31 AM) BuCkSaTaN™: bah!
(10:22:35 AM) BuCkSaTaN™: I can do what I want!

[Bucksatan goes on and offline again to prove his point.]

(10:22:56 AM) BuCkSaTaN™: see!
(10:22:59 AM) gjuddy mcmudd: bleuughghgh
(10:23:10 AM) BuCkSaTaN™: And your only recourse is to turn off your sounds if it bugs you.
(10:23:10 AM) gjuddy mcmudd: ya but I want the sounds on for other people
(10:23:13 AM) BuCkSaTaN™: Not my problem.
(10:23:29 AM) gjuddy mcmudd: I see
(10:24:42 AM) BuCkSaTaN™: You can turn off sounds for each individual too. You see, Gjuddy, that’s what makes choice great in this land of ours.
(10:25:50 AM) BuCkSaTaN™: Maybe you want to do that next time, before you berate and terrify me hmm?
(10:26:47 AM) gjuddy mcmudd: ya that’s good…lemme stop what i’m doing so I can fuck around with each individual contact prefs cuz you can’t decide if you want to be online or offline!
(10:27:47 AM) BuCkSaTaN™: See – I have sounds “on” for you, whereas I don’t for [user name omitted] – it’s the simple click of a button you goon… again, not my problem. If you want to endure the noise, that’s entirely up to you – and once again, it’s all about choice and freedom. Your choice can free you – it’s really up to you Gjuddy.
(10:27:57 AM) gjuddy mcmudd: there done…now you can carry on…
(10:28:15 AM) BuCkSaTaN™: See, now that wasn’t difficult was it?
(10:28:18 AM) gjuddy mcmudd: go back to playing with the buttons…
(10:28:40 AM) BuCkSaTaN™: Thank you, Mr.Hitler.

I watch porn. Any guy that says he doesn’t is either blind, Christian or [if you'll pardon the expression] pussy-whipped.

Now that I’ve got that out of the way…

The above photo is of some ubiquitous stunt-cock asshole that is, in my humble opinion, the new Ron Jeremy.

This is not a compliment.

As Al Goldstein once said, “Ron Jeremy would never have gotten laid if producers had not paid women to have sex with him.” and (paraphrasing) “If I see Ron Jeremy come on another woman’s stomach, I’ll have a contract taken out to have him killed.”

That’s pretty much my sentiments regarding the above, meth-addled, hair-pie-faced, pseudo-biker-looking motherfucker.

Don’t agree? Without going into graphic detail, just imagine this fur-bearing, balding, bug-eyed rodent’s face the next time you have sex with your girlfriend or wife.

Get the picture?

‘Nuff said.

I hope Slipknot wins this lawsuit. Why? Because they’re actually talented and the Burger King commercial is just stupid. In fact, I think everyone who is stupid should be sued.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0817052slipknot1.html?link=rssfeed
source: smoking gun

—–

In a related story, I don’t like chicken anymore.

http://www.avma.org/onlnews/javma/jun03/030601d.asp
source: cruel site of the day

Well Folks, this should be listed in “Flotsam and Jetsam”, but it’s a “Top Ten” if there ever was one… So, I now present you with my own Top Ten signature files:

1. Bizarro Superman:
“Listen buddy pals! Me got great idea! Legion of Superheroes solve emergencies with super powers! Them crazy nuts should be creating emergencies, not fixing ‘em!”

2. Bruce Campbell:
“Elvis has left my building.”

3. Buddy Ackerman:
“Life is not a movie. Good guys lose, everybody lies, and love…does not conquer all.”

4. Zander Harris:
“Respect the Crueller. Tame the donut!”

5. Chuck Barris:
“I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It’s called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn’t blow his brains out. He wins a refrigerator.”

6. Salvador Dali:
“I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.”

7. Brian DePalma:
“They said it would help promotion, presenting the film in a different way, but Giorgio (Moroder)’s music was true to the period, I argued — and no one changes the scores on movies by Marty Scorsese, John Ford, David Lean. If this is the `masterpiece’ you say, leave it alone. I fought them tooth and nail and was the odd man out, not an unusual place for me. I have final cut, so that stopped them dead.”

- on why he would not add rap songs to the soundtrack to “Scarface”. Thank Christ! – ed.

8. H.P. Lovecraft:
“We live on a placid sea of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.”

9. Karl Shapiro
“I am influenced enough by Miller to tell my students , the poets at least, to cultivate an ignorance of contemporary politics and military events because they do not matter. I tell them not to vote, to join nothing.”

regarding several literary influences, including Henry Miller

10. Joss Whedon:
“But nowadays I’m really cranky about comics. Because most of them are just really, really poorly written soft-core. And I miss good old storytelling. And you know what else I miss? Super powers. Why is it now that everybody’s like “I can reverse the polarity of your ions!” Like in one big flash everybody’s Doctor Strange. I like the guys that can stick to walls and change into sand and stuff. I don’t understand anything anymore. And all the girls are wearing nothing, and they all look like they have implants. Well, I sound like a very old man, and a cranky one, but it’s true.”

So I’m sitting in the local pub, trying to avoid what I’ve dubbed “Saw Fest ’05″ – all four sides of my apartment polluted with the grating whine of the Sunday 9-5er’s power tools as they fix up their $300,000 Toronto dumps. I usually have a bite during this exodus and read NOW [A local Toronto free paper].

This article kind of annoyed me with it’s soap-box free-speech rant. In particular the second line after a pointed reference to a Simpsons episode of all things;

“Every ass with a computer thinks his blog or cyberspace rambling warrants public attention.”

I’m a little fatigued that techno-geeks who think that the internet was “theirs” to begin with and now that it’s over-run by “asses“; no longer the merry little wank-ground for their own personal circle-jerk. Blogs by their very nature, are public. Whether they warrant attention or not, is immaterial. The problem is that the media [I know, I know... ] feels that because of a few news-related or journalistic blogs by writers of note, the blog becomes perceived as some kind of important social forum. That blogs even need to have any social merit, is completely ludicrous to me. They can, but don’t necessarily have to.

Let’s just pull some definitions of what a blog really is from the web shall we? [from Google].

“a public web site where users post informal journals of their thoughts, comments, and philosophies, updated frequently and normally reflecting the views of the blog’s creator.”

“An online journal or diary that is frequently updated…”

Nowhere can I find a definition for “blog” or “weblog” that requires the “blogger” to use his forum for anything more than a space for personal expression.

From the article:

“We are in the throes of a revolutionary change in mass communications, and it will take some time to purify the medium.”

Bold statement! Who is this writer? Cyber-Hitler? Purify the medium? This sounds like the type of elitist nonsense that would come from some snot-nosed hacker crying about the injustices of his beloved internet from the cozy confines of his mother’s basement.

The rest of this article is hung on some bomb-making scam and really has nothing to do with blogs at all. It has more to do with spam and the Supreme Court’s ruling over some greedy pinhead selling the secrets of destruction to the rest of the swinish multitude. Hey, the internet was built by greedy pinheads selling destructive bullshit to the public! Ever hear of cigarettes? McDonalds? Porn? Welcome to Capitalism.

I know this is supposed to be a pro-free speech article, but I couldn’t tell if the article was really pro-free speech or was about wiping out anyone with a keyboard that didn’t use it for it’s “intended” purpose. Whatever that is…

Anyway, I’ve wasted enough of my night with this entry.

In conclusion, I don’t really care who reads this blog. I use it simply to puke up shit I despise, post things I find humorous or try to make my friends laugh.

By the way, I have the shits from the burger I ate. I’ve had a couple of drinks and I’m listening to Nick Cave. The United States sucks! In fact, so does Canada! Let’s all live in Europe! They get tits in the Sun and smoke dope in coffee houses! Life is unfair! I just used this rant to post a narcissistic picture of myself! Fuck you all! This is my blog!

If you want to call me an “ass” for it, it wouldn’t be the first time.

9AM:

Dave Brubeck’s “Take Five” plays in the kitchen as I step out of the shower on the way to my desk.

My goal this morning? To find a high resolution image of a banana. That’s right folks. A banana. Why? Apparently the MPAA says that you can’t point a gun at someone in a movie poster. [Even though it's okay to chop their head off and rape their wife, once you're in the theatre. Oh those crazy repressive Americans...] I have been instructed to replace said character’s gun with a banana.

I’ve backed up these huge high resolution posters to a wonderfully idiotic (and now defunct, I hope) media called DVD-RAM. This type of fucking disk has been the bane of my existence for quite sometime now with it’s unexpected fuck-ups (usually at the worst possible time) and it’s extraordinarily poor performance. (The sales dude, years ago, said you could edit video directly from them. HA!)

Thinking all would be safe with the posters I had backed up on these shit-disks, I’m thinking I’ll just make a real DVD backup of everything and get to work. Well, as you can already surmise, one of the disks worked; the other two, I had to crack open with a butter knife and spit upon, with great vengeance and furrrrrious anger…

This is the last time I backup for clients on this whore of a disk media.

As I have always suspected, computers make life neither easier nor more efficient, but they will, indeed, be the death of us all.