“Dear Prudence”
Originally “published” on EarthLunk; (thanks, B.)
So there is this fucking twit name Prudie that does an advice column on msn.com who could be one of the most annoying people on the planet. When she gives responses she always refers to herself in the 3rd person. Well I have started barraging her with letters in hopes that I can jam up her column with bullshit and keep stupid people with stupid problems from getting stupid advice from this stupid twat. Most of the emails I have sent have been a little over the top but I think this one is going to make it into her next column. Here it is and I will post her reply when I get one.
Dear Prudie,
I am writing this from inside a warm internet cafe in downtown Seattle. Normally I would be at home reading your column but something awful has happened to me and I need some advice. I used to work at a successful software company and I was quite happy. I have never had many friends, except for my 3 cats, and I have learned it is generally safer for me to stick to myself and watch life happen from the shadows. I had a tough time in high school and was put through some horrible tasks i.e. forced to eat non-food items off the floor, singing the school anthem without pants in front of the cheer leading squad, you know basic high school pranks. You could say youth was a lonely time. That is why when I got this job I was so happy because computers are friendlier than people.
Well here is the problem.
A couple months ago a co-worker was having a party at a local bar, well not your normal bar, it was one of those bars where women take off their clothes to loud music. I decided to go because my normal tv shows were all in re runs and there were no support groups scheduled. I went to the bar and was really shocked to see what was going on. My co-workers were there but they seemed busy talking to the employees so I sat alone. Just then this girl came out of nowhere and sat down with me, she obviously worked there but she seemed different than the rest. We talked all night and she told me she was having some real problems and just needed a little help. I felt bad for her. Well long story short, I agreed to help her and after work we walked to the ATM and I withdrew $500 for her and she said she would pay me back the next day. Well the next day I went to meet her and she didn’t look good. She was talking about strange people following her, I think she called them shadow people or something.
She had nowhere to go so I said she could stay at my apartment. We went home and she went straight into my bathroom in a hurry, she was in such a hurry that she kicked one of my cats really hard on the way. I hope it was an accident. I tried to get her to come out but she wouldnt come out, she said she needed some baking soda to mix with her medicine. I didnt have any baking soda so I left to go to the corner store to buy her some.
When I got back I couldnt open my door, I heard loud music, I knocked and finally this person opened the door. He was a big man, an african-american, and I’ll never forget that he had big shiny gold teeth. He then told me that I didn’t live there anymore, I told him I knew that I did and he slammed the door in my face.
I have gone back to my apartment every day for the past week and now there are blankets over the windows and tonight I found 2 of my cats collars on the sidewalk outside my building. I called the police and they said they couldn’t do anything about it. I was sent home from my job today because I haven’t showered or changed clothes in 5 or 6 days and I think they fired me but I’m not sure. I dont know what to do. Its so cold out here and I am out of money and really worried about my kitties. What would you do in this situation?
– _Lurking in Seattle_