Ten Things That Really Gross Me Out

1. When guys wipe their snot on the wall, in front of the urinal, in public washrooms.
Seriously, are these fuckers too lazy to get some toilet paper? Is it some kind of angry statement? This behavior is unacceptable.

2. People who refuse to cover their mouths when sneezing or coughing.
No wonder disease is rampant in this culture. This is obviously poor upbringing by the offending person’s parents. I’d suggest an etiquette course for these bozos.

3. Long fingernails on men.
Ok, you know, it’s not as if I haven’t let this kind of thing go a little past it’s due date, but for christ’s sake – once they’re dirty and grimy as a result of ill-manicured carelessness, it’s time for these people to start drinking out a brown paper bag and living under a bridge.

4. Horrendously loud belches.
My usual response to this kind of breach of ettitquite is to say “Get any on ya?!” in a loud boisterous voice. It usually grosses the offending person out more than the original infraction.

5. Hair in restaurant food.
A given, really. My rule of thumb? Never send back the food if you intend to go there again. (I’ve seen the result of this retaliation first hand.) I’d just pay the bill and get the fuck out, never to return.

6. Loud Eaters
Unless People are mouthing each other’s private parts, a person eating with their mouth open is just un-called for and completely un-erotic.

7. Baked Beans Teeth.
I’m not the most diligent when it comes to flossing, but is there any need to let several days’ worth of food cake itself on your teeth like cement?? Let’s see how fast that enamel turns into ochre goo, shall we? Just describing it is making my stomach roll over.

8. People who shit at your house.
Okay, not just shit at your house, but right before they leave on their trek home. “Hey, I’m about to leave, after you’ve fed me, so mind if I leave the excrement waste here before I split? I Wouldn’t want to stink up my dwelling…!” In extreme emergencies, ok, fine, but think about going at home, instead of before you leave a dinner party, hah?

9. Ugly Feet.
Ok, bizarre I know, but why do we not find hands to be ugly? (Well, except men with little girly hands…) If toes had similar elongated digits they would be shockingly grotesque! Maybe it’s because they’re constantly soaking in socks and shoes. It’s not like we wear gloves the entire time we step out of our homes. Who the fuck knows. Maybe the “Flintstones” ruined me as a child.

10. Zits.
Conditioning from a myriad of pimple cream commercials over the decade? Or just a reaction to a guy in high school, who’s head was so rampant with black pustules and purple bruises, I thought it was a time-bomb of poison, ready to explode at any moment! I can’t decide.

Yes folks! That’s Paris Hilton all righty…

WONDERLAND (R)
Directed by: James Cox
Written by: James Cox &
Captain Mauzner and Todd Samovitz & D. Loriston Scott
Starring:Val Kilmer, Kate Bosworth, Eric Bogosian, Lisa Kudrow, Dylan McDermott, Josh Lucas
Year: 2003

I love reading bad reviews of films that I think are worth “wasting” two hours on. It gives me a kind of perspective on how out-of-touch and nerdy critics seem to be sometimes.

The thing I find when I’ve read reviews on ‘Wonderland’, the picture based on the Wonderland Avenue Murders in the early eighties was that everyone seems to be looking for a point to the grimy, drug-infused, murderous mayhem.

I am thouroughly content to sit back and watch as the horror unfolds, then walk away formulating my own opinions regarding the fact .vs. the fiction and whether it was communicated properly.

Since I really only do DVD reviews on this blog, a lot of filmgoers already know the plot of the film. For those of you that either didn’t grow up in the seventies/early eighties or have no idea who John Holmes is, I’ll quickly reiterate the story behind it all:

John C. Holmes – the first “porn star”. (P.T. Anderson based Dirk Diggler on him.) Holmes really had a 14″ cock. Anyway, Holmes begins doing drugs mid-way through his porn career then slides into an addiction while hanging with a fucked-up bunch of gun-toting druggies on Wonderland Avenue in Hollywood California to support his habit.

There’s a very rich and very dangerous club owner by the name of Eddie Nash, who is a regular supplier of Holmes. Holmes gets the wacky idea of selling the druggies’ antique guns to Nash in exchange for more drugs (which at this time he can barely afford since no one will hire his coked-out ass anymore).

Druggies break into Nash’s place with Holmes’ help – rob Nash of over a million dollars in jewels, money and drugs. Nash is not stupid, gets pissed, beats the shit out of Holmes, and after getting the address of the druggies who robbed him, proceeds to send over a hit squad to pummel everyone’s skull into slurry with the help of several lead pipes.

Holmes escapes the evening and one of the druggies, David Lind (a barely recognizable Dylan McDermott), was not at the Wonderland residence that evening.

You may think that’s all there is to it, but using alternating police interrogations of Lind and Holmes as well as shuffling the chain of events surrounding the crime, writer/director James Cox creates doubt as to the actual truth of the events. (Considering the outcome in reality, I don’t know if anyone will ever be sure exactly what happened.)

I haven’t seen “Rashomon”, but a lot of critics seem to want to compare the narrative device created in “Rashomon” and employed in “Wonderland”. So, I’m thinking they’re either saying “Rashomon” sucks, or “Wonderland” isn’t all that bad.

I’m going to lean on the “Wonderland” not sucking side of the fence. I can’t say I “liked” “Wonderland”, but really – who says a film has to be enjoyable for it to be a “good film”? There are critics who laud a film like “Henry-Portrait of a Serial Killer” which bored the shit out of me and yet they state that “Wonderland” is confusing, disjointed and pointless.

As for the acting – I found everyone in the film to be top notch. I love Val Kilmer, since his choices in roles are similar to Johnny Depp. There’s an array of recognizable faces in “Wonderland” and this does, unfortunately, lead to little screen time for many of them, including Christina Applegate and Jeneanne Garafolo.

“Wonderland” was terrifying to me. It was gritty, grungy and absolutely horrifying by it’s conclusion. I found the narrative to be interesting, clear and disturbing. Well worth the trip if you’re a big fan of true-crime adaptations to film. This is the stuff that scares me, not hackneyed crap like “Jason .vs. Freddy”.

I guess the best way to describe the experience was like “Blow” meets “Boogie Nights” meets “Helter Skelter”. If that’s your cup of tea, then “Wonderland” will be of interest to you.

Not only that, the most bizarre thing about this 2 disc DVD is that they give you the actual L.A.P.D. crime scene footage on the first disc(!) which was the most shocking thing I have seen in a long while and an hour and forty-five minute documentary on John Holmes, which is the second disk put together by VCA Pictures of all people.

Take a porno trip down memory lane with John’s wife, girlfriend, agent and a pile of old porn stars from the early eighties. They even interview P.T. Anderson! Wow! Hilarious…

The best line is from Al Goldstein, regarding John Holmes (who, in my opinion, was little more than a druggie, whore, pimp, wife-beater and stool pigeon) as the “J.F.K.” of the porno industry.

Today’s entry concerns a rather odd cassette tape I found, about a week ago, in this disaster of a home office. An old friend gave me a bunch of cassettes years ago and most of them were old junk music he’d aquired in his travels – I think I only kept the Bartok and this little gem.

This pseudo-feminist punk manifesto compilation (I assume this only because there is only two bands with male vocalists on the tape – a welcome rarity for the 1980s(?)) was put together by the label “Hide” in Toronto when bands like United State and the like were a Queen Street staple.

With songs that sound like a cross between Girlschool meets L7, this stuff was around long before some of those bands hit the scene. There is one absolutely bizarre cover of “Do you Know the Way to San Jose” by Word of Mouth, that sounds like a drunken imitation of the B52s. (Actually a lot of this stuff reminds me of the bands at the “Rock Fight” in “Up in Smoke“…)

My favorites (and they still kind of stand the test of time if you want to disregard the sloppy-ass playing in front of less than enthusiastic audiences in Toronto clubs) are Fifth Column’s “Right Hook”, A.S.F’s “Frat Boy” (with more than a little Hole in it before there was a Hole), and anything by The Curse and The Bettys – “Robot Band” fucking rules in it’s deliberate deconstruction.

I’ve tried to track down a lot of these bands, but sadly, the majority of them are gone now. I think Fifth Column was the only one to stick it out for the nineties, in the midst of a slew of other girl-punk bands that had already stolen their thunder. Proof positive girls can be just as nasty as boys…if not nastier…

Great stuff for a really out of control, drunken house party. Or a heroin flop-house get together.

Nothing pisses me off more than using Firefox and going to a site with these idiotic, monstrous Flash smilie banners (http://www.smileycentral.com/). Now, most of the Flash I produce – and various random websites with Flash – seem to work fine in Firefox.

I will fly into a fucking rage when I am doing something as simple as looking up text information on IMDB and they have two of these asinine banners on the same page, crashing my Firefox! No one seems to have been able to solve this issue. If you’re a real code head, you can always spend all afternoon tinkering with this issue. Is the problem Macromedia, Firefox or the idiot banner?

In the meantime, I have located the answer to my prayers. Just install into Firefox, use command-shift-F (Mac), right-click (Windows) and get rid of any shitty ads you so choose! Why there’s even filters so you’ll never see the offending ad content ever again. Take that! Classmates dot com! Take THAT! Smilie fucking Central!

Huzzah!

Note: If you’re having the same problem as me, be patient when first filtering these asshole banners, it’ll take a bit of finagling for the filter dialogue to come up.

“gjuddy mcmudd(3:30:47 PM): Sir Crappy!
crappy (3:30:59 PM): I’m with people, fuck off”

- Gjuddy sending a “hello” to his friend.

——–

Lunch Boxes. We all had them as kids and now some outfit is selling them at outrageous prices. Gjuddy and I stumbled upon this particular site when I mentioned that I was getting out of the internet racket and getting a nice quiet job at a video chain somewhere…

Read on kids…

BuCkSaTaN>:):
Sorry had to rush off and stop my cat from eating an elastic…the idiot…
That’s all I need. Taking that moron to the vet with a twisted bowel for 600 bucks.
gjuddy mcmudd:
cats!
BuCkSaTaN>:):
haha
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Look at the price on this:

http://store.yahoo.com/lunchboxshop/marsupherlun1.html

gjuddy mcmudd:
COOL!
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Four hundred bones is cool?
BuCkSaTaN>:):
For a fuckin lunch pail?
gjuddy mcmudd:
well you woudn’t buy it to keep yer lunch in
gjuddy mcmudd:
it’s a collector piece
gjuddy mcmudd:
if only we’d known
gjuddy mcmudd:
I’m sure I had that exact lunchbox
BuCkSaTaN>:):
hmm…
BuCkSaTaN>:):
I should buy it, then video tape myself driving over it in a tractor.
gjuddy mcmudd:
monster
BuCkSaTaN>:):
And then send it to all the fan boy newsgroups to make em poo their Superhero under-roos.
BuCkSaTaN>:):
It would be worth the four hundred bucks just for the outrage.
gjuddy mcmudd:
ah huh
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Losers…
BuCkSaTaN>:):
You can’t tell me that, that seems reasonable!? 400 bucks??
gjuddy mcmudd:
reasonable…what’s reasonable in this life?
gjuddy mcmudd:
another man’s unreasonable lunchpail…
BuCkSaTaN>:):
True, I’m sure some BOOB is willing to cough up 400 bucks to relive his sad little childhood.
gjuddy mcmudd:
don’t call me a boob
BuCkSaTaN>:):
hahahaha
BuCkSaTaN>:):
You’d cough up 400 bucks huh?
gjuddy mcmudd:
no
gjuddy mcmudd:
but it’s pretty cool
gjuddy mcmudd:
look good in my new office
BuCkSaTaN>:):
I’m thinking of the guy who’s sitting there in his Batman under-roos playing with that exact lunch box and talking to his imaginary friends while “Teddy Bear Picnic” plays on a 45rpm in the background….
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Then he opens his closet and there’s a collection of women’s fingers in a jar on his shelf!!
gjuddy mcmudd:
haha
gjuddy mcmudd:
Batman under-roos…
BuCkSaTaN>:):
hahaha.
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Creepy huh?
gjuddy mcmudd:
they didn’t even have Batman under-roos in the ’70s
gjuddy mcmudd:
it would be the superhero jammies with the feet built in.
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Totally!
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Some big galoot humming to himself while he combs some old Barbie’s hair.
BuCkSaTaN>:):
And his 70 year old mother is calling up from the kitchen for him to come down and eat his Zoodles..
BuCkSaTaN>:):
I’m getting the willies…
gjuddy mcmudd:
and he’d be played by the “Maniac” guy…
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Joe Zito!!!
BuCkSaTaN>:):
BroooOOooootal…
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Not played by – IS.
BuCkSaTaN>:):
No not Joe Zito… Joe Spinell
gjuddy mcmudd:
that’s it
gjuddy mcmudd:
all greasy and pock-marked
gjuddy mcmudd:
in his superman jammies
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Good christ… cut it out.
gjuddy mcmudd:
haha

“But nowadays I’m really cranky about comics. Because most of them are just really, really poorly written soft-core. And I miss good old storytelling. And you know what else I miss? Super powers. Why is it now that everybody’s like “I can reverse the polarity of your ions!” Like in one big flash everybody’s Doctor Strange. I like the guys that can stick to walls and change into sand and stuff. I don’t understand anything anymore. And all the girls are wearing nothing, and they all look like they have implants. Well, I sound like a very old man, and a cranky one, but it’s true.”
- Joss Whedon

“Daredevil…Ooh! I’m afraid of a bliiind super-heero…”
- Brainwarp

——

The world has turned into a juvenile, under-roo-wearing pants-pissing culture, worshipping pseudo-gods and big-boobed, spandex wearing mother figures.

Welcome to Hollywood – Superhero Cash-Grab Central.

In the history of film has there ever been more superhero films than in the last decade? It appears that every second film to be advertised on television is a Marvel comic adaptation.

Spiderman, Batman (5 in the last decade), Catwoman, Daredevil, The Hulk, The Punisher, X-Men, Hellboy, Blade and then there’s the up and coming The Flash, Ghost Rider, Fantastic Four, Superman, blah blah blah…the list goes on…

There’s also cartoon parodies (“The Incredibles”), twelve different versions of a Batman cartoon on television, and everywhere I look, some obscure superhero I’ve never heard of (Elektra?? Who in fuck read Elektra??) comes crawling out of Stan Lee’s ass.

What is America’s fascination with these righters of wrong, these destroyers of the world’s ne’er do wells? I’m just going to say it – 9-11. The comic book “Captain America” arose from the need to have a larger than life figure fight and ultimately win all battles for the U.S. of A in the 40′s and I feel that the resurgence in superhero lore is a subconscious reaction to their current political climate. Oh yeah, and money.

As a comic artist myself, I really hate superheros. Okay, I read Spiderman and Batman as a child, but have found no interest in them as an adult. I’ve watched a lot of these superhero films, but they leave me dry and dissatisfied. The only ones I have truly enjoyed over the last two decades were “Hellboy” and “X-Men” (and I’ve never read either comic), and I’m looking forward to “Sin City” (haven’t read that either).

The reason for my outrage, on the superhero movie front, had to do with the article below from USA Today.

Not only does Hollywood have to rape and pillage the sublime art form of the comic book, but now these same geeks who were attached to superhero film projects (and not by the merit of their “geekiness” as some would have you think (Kevin Smith, Sam Raimi) – save that for agent-goaded sound bites, fellas!) are saying that “writing for comic books allows them to flex new creative muscles and become more familiar with story lines they may soon bring to the big screen”.

If this is true, then I ask you, why is Kevin Smith writing a comic book of “Clerks“? BoooOOOOO! HsssSSSSSH! Way to flex those creative writing muscles there, Kevin!

This dunderhead article goes on to name various other directors that have decided that their magical touch is needed in the realm of comics:

Kevin Smith (mentioned previously), Bryan Singer, Joss Whedon, David Goyer…

David Goyer is quoted as saying, “comic book writing is a lure for directors because it’s a throwback to old-time filmmaking.”

“You don’t have the big budgets and the special effects,” says Goyer, who adapted the comic book screenplays for both previous Blade films. “It’s more simplistic storytelling.”

It’s people like this, that give the art form of comics a bad name.

The article finally reveals it’s true nature (and the consistent nature of Hollywood and their idea-drained, mimicking ilk) by it’s closing;

“This high-profile moonlighting has a double payoff: Big-name directors bring more attention to comic books, and comic books can help sell upcoming films.

Installments of Ultimate Spider-Man comics, for instance, the story line revolves around Spidey’s anger at Hollywood for trying to make a movie about him.”

Really folks, I don’t have the words to describe just how sickening the above two paragraphs are. I’m speechless.