joeblog

Ten Things That Really Gross Me Out

1. When guys wipe their snot on the wall, in front of the urinal, in public washrooms.
Seriously, are these fuckers too lazy to get some toilet paper? Is it some kind of angry statement? This behavior is unacceptable.

2. People who refuse to cover their mouths when sneezing or coughing.
No wonder disease is rampant in this culture. This is obviously poor upbringing by the offending person’s parents. I’d suggest an etiquette course for these bozos.

3. Long fingernails on men.
Ok, you know, it’s not as if I haven’t let this kind of thing go a little past it’s due date, but for christ’s sake – once they’re dirty and grimy as a result of ill-manicured carelessness, it’s time for these people to start drinking out a brown paper bag and living under a bridge.

4. Horrendously loud belches.
My usual response to this kind of breach of ettitquite is to say “Get any on ya?!” in a loud boisterous voice. It usually grosses the offending person out more than the original infraction.

5. Hair in restaurant food.
A given, really. My rule of thumb? Never send back the food if you intend to go there again. (I’ve seen the result of this retaliation first hand.) I’d just pay the bill and get the fuck out, never to return.

6. Loud Eaters
Unless People are mouthing each other’s private parts, a person eating with their mouth open is just un-called for and completely un-erotic.

7. Baked Beans Teeth.
I’m not the most diligent when it comes to flossing, but is there any need to let several days’ worth of food cake itself on your teeth like cement?? Let’s see how fast that enamel turns into ochre goo, shall we? Just describing it is making my stomach roll over.

8. People who shit at your house.
Okay, not just shit at your house, but right before they leave on their trek home. “Hey, I’m about to leave, after you’ve fed me, so mind if I leave the excrement waste here before I split? I Wouldn’t want to stink up my dwelling…!” In extreme emergencies, ok, fine, but think about going at home, instead of before you leave a dinner party, hah?

9. Ugly Feet.
Ok, bizarre I know, but why do we not find hands to be ugly? (Well, except men with little girly hands…) If toes had similar elongated digits they would be shockingly grotesque! Maybe it’s because they’re constantly soaking in socks and shoes. It’s not like we wear gloves the entire time we step out of our homes. Who the fuck knows. Maybe the “Flintstones” ruined me as a child.

10. Zits.
Conditioning from a myriad of pimple cream commercials over the decade? Or just a reaction to a guy in high school, who’s head was so rampant with black pustules and purple bruises, I thought it was a time-bomb of poison, ready to explode at any moment! I can’t decide.

Yes folks! That’s Paris Hilton all righty…

WONDERLAND (R)
Directed by: James Cox
Written by: James Cox &
Captain Mauzner and Todd Samovitz & D. Loriston Scott
Starring:Val Kilmer, Kate Bosworth, Eric Bogosian, Lisa Kudrow, Dylan McDermott, Josh Lucas
Year: 2003

I love reading bad reviews of films that I think are worth “wasting” two hours on. It gives me a kind of perspective on how out-of-touch and nerdy critics seem to be sometimes.

The thing I find when I’ve read reviews on ‘Wonderland’, the picture based on the Wonderland Avenue Murders in the early eighties was that everyone seems to be looking for a point to the grimy, drug-infused, murderous mayhem.

I am thouroughly content to sit back and watch as the horror unfolds, then walk away formulating my own opinions regarding the fact .vs. the fiction and whether it was communicated properly.

Since I really only do DVD reviews on this blog, a lot of filmgoers already know the plot of the film. For those of you that either didn’t grow up in the seventies/early eighties or have no idea who John Holmes is, I’ll quickly reiterate the story behind it all:

John C. Holmes – the first “porn star”. (P.T. Anderson based Dirk Diggler on him.) Holmes really had a 14″ cock. Anyway, Holmes begins doing drugs mid-way through his porn career then slides into an addiction while hanging with a fucked-up bunch of gun-toting druggies on Wonderland Avenue in Hollywood California to support his habit.

There’s a very rich and very dangerous club owner by the name of Eddie Nash, who is a regular supplier of Holmes. Holmes gets the wacky idea of selling the druggies’ antique guns to Nash in exchange for more drugs (which at this time he can barely afford since no one will hire his coked-out ass anymore).

Druggies break into Nash’s place with Holmes’ help – rob Nash of over a million dollars in jewels, money and drugs. Nash is not stupid, gets pissed, beats the shit out of Holmes, and after getting the address of the druggies who robbed him, proceeds to send over a hit squad to pummel everyone’s skull into slurry with the help of several lead pipes.

Holmes escapes the evening and one of the druggies, David Lind (a barely recognizable Dylan McDermott), was not at the Wonderland residence that evening.

You may think that’s all there is to it, but using alternating police interrogations of Lind and Holmes as well as shuffling the chain of events surrounding the crime, writer/director James Cox creates doubt as to the actual truth of the events. (Considering the outcome in reality, I don’t know if anyone will ever be sure exactly what happened.)

I haven’t seen “Rashomon”, but a lot of critics seem to want to compare the narrative device created in “Rashomon” and employed in “Wonderland”. So, I’m thinking they’re either saying “Rashomon” sucks, or “Wonderland” isn’t all that bad.

I’m going to lean on the “Wonderland” not sucking side of the fence. I can’t say I “liked” “Wonderland”, but really – who says a film has to be enjoyable for it to be a “good film”? There are critics who laud a film like “Henry-Portrait of a Serial Killer” which bored the shit out of me and yet they state that “Wonderland” is confusing, disjointed and pointless.

As for the acting – I found everyone in the film to be top notch. I love Val Kilmer, since his choices in roles are similar to Johnny Depp. There’s an array of recognizable faces in “Wonderland” and this does, unfortunately, lead to little screen time for many of them, including Christina Applegate and Jeneanne Garafolo.

“Wonderland” was terrifying to me. It was gritty, grungy and absolutely horrifying by it’s conclusion. I found the narrative to be interesting, clear and disturbing. Well worth the trip if you’re a big fan of true-crime adaptations to film. This is the stuff that scares me, not hackneyed crap like “Jason .vs. Freddy”.

I guess the best way to describe the experience was like “Blow” meets “Boogie Nights” meets “Helter Skelter”. If that’s your cup of tea, then “Wonderland” will be of interest to you.

Not only that, the most bizarre thing about this 2 disc DVD is that they give you the actual L.A.P.D. crime scene footage on the first disc(!) which was the most shocking thing I have seen in a long while and an hour and forty-five minute documentary on John Holmes, which is the second disk put together by VCA Pictures of all people.

Take a porno trip down memory lane with John’s wife, girlfriend, agent and a pile of old porn stars from the early eighties. They even interview P.T. Anderson! Wow! Hilarious…

The best line is from Al Goldstein, regarding John Holmes (who, in my opinion, was little more than a druggie, whore, pimp, wife-beater and stool pigeon) as the “J.F.K.” of the porno industry.

Today’s entry concerns a rather odd cassette tape I found, about a week ago, in this disaster of a home office. An old friend gave me a bunch of cassettes years ago and most of them were old junk music he’d aquired in his travels – I think I only kept the Bartok and this little gem.

This pseudo-feminist punk manifesto compilation (I assume this only because there is only two bands with male vocalists on the tape – a welcome rarity for the 1980s(?)) was put together by the label “Hide” in Toronto when bands like United State and the like were a Queen Street staple.

With songs that sound like a cross between Girlschool meets L7, this stuff was around long before some of those bands hit the scene. There is one absolutely bizarre cover of “Do you Know the Way to San Jose” by Word of Mouth, that sounds like a drunken imitation of the B52s. (Actually a lot of this stuff reminds me of the bands at the “Rock Fight” in “Up in Smoke“…)

My favorites (and they still kind of stand the test of time if you want to disregard the sloppy-ass playing in front of less than enthusiastic audiences in Toronto clubs) are Fifth Column’s “Right Hook”, A.S.F’s “Frat Boy” (with more than a little Hole in it before there was a Hole), and anything by The Curse and The Bettys – “Robot Band” fucking rules in it’s deliberate deconstruction.

I’ve tried to track down a lot of these bands, but sadly, the majority of them are gone now. I think Fifth Column was the only one to stick it out for the nineties, in the midst of a slew of other girl-punk bands that had already stolen their thunder. Proof positive girls can be just as nasty as boys…if not nastier…

Great stuff for a really out of control, drunken house party. Or a heroin flop-house get together.

Nothing pisses me off more than using Firefox and going to a site with these idiotic, monstrous Flash smilie banners (http://www.smileycentral.com/). Now, most of the Flash I produce – and various random websites with Flash – seem to work fine in Firefox.

I will fly into a fucking rage when I am doing something as simple as looking up text information on IMDB and they have two of these asinine banners on the same page, crashing my Firefox! No one seems to have been able to solve this issue. If you’re a real code head, you can always spend all afternoon tinkering with this issue. Is the problem Macromedia, Firefox or the idiot banner?

In the meantime, I have located the answer to my prayers. Just install into Firefox, use command-shift-F (Mac), right-click (Windows) and get rid of any shitty ads you so choose! Why there’s even filters so you’ll never see the offending ad content ever again. Take that! Classmates dot com! Take THAT! Smilie fucking Central!

Huzzah!

Note: If you’re having the same problem as me, be patient when first filtering these asshole banners, it’ll take a bit of finagling for the filter dialogue to come up.

“gjuddy mcmudd(3:30:47 PM): Sir Crappy!
crappy (3:30:59 PM): I’m with people, fuck off”

- Gjuddy sending a “hello” to his friend.

——–

Read on kids…

BuCkSaTaN>:):
Sorry had to rush off and stop my cat from eating an elastic…the idiot…
That’s all I need. Taking that moron to the vet with a twisted bowel for 600 bucks.
gjuddy mcmudd:
cats!
BuCkSaTaN>:):
haha
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Look at the price on this:

http://store.yahoo.com/lunchboxshop/marsupherlun1.html

gjuddy mcmudd:
COOL!
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Four hundred bones is cool?
BuCkSaTaN>:):
For a fuckin lunch pail?
gjuddy mcmudd:
well you woudn’t buy it to keep yer lunch in
gjuddy mcmudd:
it’s a collector piece
gjuddy mcmudd:
if only we’d known
gjuddy mcmudd:
I’m sure I had that exact lunchbox
BuCkSaTaN>:):
hmm…
BuCkSaTaN>:):
I should buy it, then video tape myself driving over it in a tractor.
gjuddy mcmudd:
monster
BuCkSaTaN>:):
And then send it to all the fan boy newsgroups to make em poo their Superhero under-roos.
BuCkSaTaN>:):
It would be worth the four hundred bucks just for the outrage.
gjuddy mcmudd:
ah huh
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Losers…
BuCkSaTaN>:):
You can’t tell me that, that seems reasonable!? 400 bucks??
gjuddy mcmudd:
reasonable…what’s reasonable in this life?
gjuddy mcmudd:
another man’s unreasonable lunchpail…
BuCkSaTaN>:):
True, I’m sure some BOOB is willing to cough up 400 bucks to relive his sad little childhood.
gjuddy mcmudd:
don’t call me a boob
BuCkSaTaN>:):
hahahaha
BuCkSaTaN>:):
You’d cough up 400 bucks huh?
gjuddy mcmudd:
no
gjuddy mcmudd:
but it’s pretty cool
gjuddy mcmudd:
look good in my new office
BuCkSaTaN>:):
I’m thinking of the guy who’s sitting there in his Batman under-roos playing with that exact lunch box and talking to his imaginary friends while “Teddy Bear Picnic” plays on a 45rpm in the background….
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Then he opens his closet and there’s a collection of women’s fingers in a jar on his shelf!!
gjuddy mcmudd:
haha
gjuddy mcmudd:
Batman under-roos…
BuCkSaTaN>:):
hahaha.
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Creepy huh?
gjuddy mcmudd:
they didn’t even have Batman under-roos in the ’70s
gjuddy mcmudd:
it would be the superhero jammies with the feet built in.
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Totally!
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Some big galoot humming to himself while he combs some old Barbie’s hair.
BuCkSaTaN>:):
And his 70 year old mother is calling up from the kitchen for him to come down and eat his Zoodles..
BuCkSaTaN>:):
I’m getting the willies…
gjuddy mcmudd:
and he’d be played by the “Maniac” guy…
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Joe Spinell!
gjuddy mcmudd:
that’s it
gjuddy mcmudd:
all greasy and pock-marked
gjuddy mcmudd:
in his superman jammies
BuCkSaTaN>:):
Good christ… cut it out.
gjuddy mcmudd:
haha

Win-blows: OS of the Damned!

I’m not usually one to get into a debate about which OS is better, since I think all computers are demonic utensils designed to drain the life-force from any one who dares to use them, but seriously folks, I can’t take this shit anymore.

Designing sites for some kind of non-existent “standard” that the World Wide Web Consortium tries to put into serious consideration is a fucking joke when it comes to the bullshit I have to deal with testing websites in Microsoft Windows Explorer.

The OS I just happen to design websites on is, you guessed it, shrimp. No, no… I mean Apple Macintosh. Now, I’m not saying that Apple is God’s one and only gift to the digital age and I’m not saying that it’s better or worse than Windows. As I’ve stated above, I could fucking care less what brand name is on these fucking rat-trap zombie machines. I only hope and pray they’ll keep running properly so I can pay my bills. And honestly? Even that’s too much to ask for in this Future-Shock, Nowhere Generation, war-mongering, shit-heel decade.

I do enjoy fucking around with one of these things, but in a “ham radio” kind of way – to rely on computers for a career is a frustrating exercise in self-flagelation. This ennui-inducing, pissant, worker-bee existence is kife and if I was any younger I’d get on a fucking plane and you’d never see me again.

The “Internet Pundits” like to use the child-like metaphors of cars, highways, traffic and various other definitions of (and simulated freedom) to describe the intricacies of something most people will never understand, nor care to. I think we should extend these metaphors to the next level of the physical manifestation of their meanings.

Computers are ephemeral nonsense. What with it’s constant destructive-inducing behavior, myriad of daily breakdowns, scams and spam, it should be outlawed or at the very least, most people should have to take a six week course and garner a “driver’s permit” before they’re even allowed to sit in front of one.

Well aren’t you the ‘fascist totalitarian’ you’re probably muttering to yourselves. Better than being a communist or whacked out religious nut is my answer to you. And then again, any kind of flagrant zealousness is probably not good for anyone except me, so ok, I’m a totalitarian. So sue me.

Which brings me to the worst offender of the heathenous ilk that traverses the net and makes money off “Internet Land”. Microsoft and their horrendous, plagurized, market-saturating, share monopolizing, K-Mart doctrine software, Windows.

I hardly know where to start to begin bashing this OS and it’s moronic logic, setup and execution. Let’s skip the obvious, like it’s as ugly as sin and as clunky as a blindfolded mongoloid. Let’s just get the fact out of the way that all businessmen and pornographers use it. (I’ll exclude filmmakers from this list since they’re all on Macintosh.) And if I must make gross generalizations to alleviate my hatred and frustration for having to even look at a Microsoft product, it’s as cheap and satisfying as a two dollar whore.

Its marketing campaigns are asinine and aimed at dumbo industries that haven’t yet switched over to the “New World Order” and it’s felonious president is Satan himself.

They haven’t broken a single convention or tried to push the envelope since they began.

Which OS is better (Mac or Windows) is an age old battle, not unlike Pepsi and Coke, if Pepsi had 10% of the market share.

Anyone who uses Windows is simply too cheap to buy a worthy computer and it’s accompanying OS or too un-informed to make a decision other than to buy what has a hold on the consumer market’s mind set.

On a simplistic level, this would be exactly the same as a Windows user presenting the argument that McDonalds is better than going and paying for a 40 dollar steak at an fine restaurant. We get what we pay for. If Apple’s OS is the BMW of computers, then Windows is a Ford Focus.

Now, it is EXTREMELY rare that something used by the swinish multitude, is cheap and genius in it’s design. No one has ever paid 40 dollars for a hamburger. (Okay, well, maybe some have, but that would be idiotic, now wouldn’t it?)

Cheapness is not the only fault of Windows. I have used it extensively, unlike the psudeo-computer expert that uses the battle cry of “Mac suuuucks!” But then, they really have no other argument. Not an empirical one anyway.

If you want to talk interface, ergonomics and ease of use, then let’s talk – but for all it’s little stupid little “wizards” (how I despise that word – and how I hate a computer program overtly trying to “help” me), constant security updates and factory presets that are set to do nothing but monopolize my choices, Windows does nothing for me but ask me the simple and nefarious question: “Would I like Fries with That?”

———-

Now, what started this ill-informed, rage-filled and sloppy rant you may ask?
Oh, something as simple as trying to use HTML tables in a web project.

Today’s Breakfast with gjuddy mcmudd has to do with his hassles of trying to get a domain transferred from some moronic company to another…Gord is getting preturbed, since we should have pointed this domain at our servers long ago…

gjuddy mcmudd
11:59:13AM
what a nightmare

BuCkSaTaN>:)
11:59:43AM
why?

gjuddy mcmudd
12:01:00PM
the [domain omitted] transfer can’t go through until the whois info is updated…and it can’t be updated because [Name Omitted] doesn’t have the CIRA user/pass…

so she has to fax a change of info request form to them

with 2 pieces of ID and shit

BuCkSaTaN>:)
12:01:37PM
Yep – that’s typical protocol.

gjuddy mcmudd
12:01:44PM
it’s like getting into fort knox

BuCkSaTaN>:)
12:02:15PM
Well that’s good. You wouldn’t want me calling [Domain Company Omitted] and getting control of your domain with a phone call would you?

gjuddy mcmudd
12:02:33PM
sure

BuCkSaTaN>:)
12:02:38PM
ok

I just call them and say – hey I need to change my ownership.
They say “What’s your name..?”
I say “gjuddy mcmudd“…

They say.. “Good enough for us!”

haha

gjuddy mcmudd
12:04:03PM
ya…that would work

BuCkSaTaN>:)
12:04:13PM
Then you and I get on a three way and start arguing;

” I”m gjuddy mcmudd!”
” No, I’m gjuddy mcmudd!!”
” No, I’m gjuddy mcmudd!!”

NO, I’m gjuddy mcmudd!

Here’s your domain, sir.

…loo

SO the only way for me to truly obtain your domain would be to kill you, take your wallet and THEN fax them the info…

NO! I SAID I’M gjuddy mcmudd YOU IDIOTS!
CHANGE MY DOMAIN!

gjuddy mcmudd
12:07:15PM
has to be photo ID though

BuCkSaTaN>:)
12:07:50PM
Hmm… well, I don’t know if that’s totally going overboard, but..

I mean it’s like anything else.

They’re just trying to cover their asses.

gjuddy mcmudd
12:09:08PM
ya

it’s a nightmare

red tape hanging from my colon

BuCkSaTaN>:)
12:09:26PM
Would it be less of a nightmare were it not a photo ID?

Doesn’t this person drive?

gjuddy mcmudd
12:09:51PM
Drive?

I dunno

BuCkSaTaN>:)
12:09:59PM
hoo boy

What is she, an illegal alien?

gjuddy mcmudd
12:10:21PM
why does it mater if she drives?

BuCkSaTaN>:)
12:10:31PM
Cause then she has a photo ID.

Today’s breakfast starts off with me trying to irritate Gjuddy about his massive hound.
(At the time of this writing, he’s got another one now about the same size…)

gjuddy mcmudd
08:54:38AM
haha…he polished off half a tray of rice krispie squares yesterday

BuCkSaTaN>:)
08:54:52AM
Jesus christ… you’re nuts

gjuddy mcmudd
08:55:03AM
he’s a great dog

BuCkSaTaN>:)
08:55:05AM
After these wee beasts I’ll never get another pet…
(Here, I’m speaking of my two cats and a small dog in my place…)

gjuddy mcmudd
08:55:10AM
we’re thinking of getting another…
a buddy for him

BuCkSaTaN>:)
08:55:18AM
Especially not Scooby Doo like you got over there

gjuddy mcmudd
08:55:23AM
haha

BuCkSaTaN>:)
08:55:47AM
What a boob… a buddy… yeah, well.. whatever turns your crank…it ain’t my house and home they’ll be eating me out of..

gjuddy mcmudd
08:56:18AM
not to mentioned the backyard they’ll be murdering

BuCkSaTaN>:)
08:56:26AM
ha ha

gjuddy mcmudd
08:56:43AM
what the hell though…

BuCkSaTaN>:)
08:56:54AM
What exactly WERE you thinking when you saw that monster at the pound?

BuCkSaTaN>:)
08:57:10AM
Gee I think I’ll get the biggest, most monstrous animal I can find?

gjuddy mcmudd
08:57:09AM
I was thinking…now there’s a geat dog

gjuddy mcmudd
08:57:20AM
he’s not monstrous

BuCkSaTaN>:)
08:57:23AM
Why didn’t you just get a fucking tiger?

gjuddy mcmudd
08:57:38AM
he’s not mean or aggressive

BuCkSaTaN>:)
08:57:39AM
Or a gorilla…

gjuddy mcmudd
08:57:43AM
he’s a big puppy

BuCkSaTaN>:)
08:57:57AM
exactly – the most dangerous kind… PUPPY!

gjuddy mcmudd
08:58:05AM
he’ll grow up

BuCkSaTaN>:)
08:58:17AM
Wait until he chews your face off, then we’ll see who’s monstrous…
You’ll be walkin around like the guy in Hannibal…

gjuddy mcmudd
08:58:34AM
ah huh…