Hi folks!
Welcome to “Be Your Own Boss”! A segment of joeblog, where I impart useless wisdom and hi-larious anecdotes to all you young internet-hipsters out there!
You may be asking, “What information could joeblog possibly give me that I couldn’t find by typing it into Google?” Well, that’s where you’re naive, friend. What I’m about to give you here is the time honored and conventional concept of experience! Something no cold and sterile Google-bot could rack up on some generic hit-list for you.
“Well, like what?” you could be wondering, while scratching your pimply, dandruff encrusted melon. That’s exactly what I’m about to get to, chuckles! Read on, oh weary ‘net wanderer and learn… yes, learn… from my years of hellish torment at the hands of porn merchants and dopey businessmen!*
Swallow Your Pride
“That may be easier said than done!” you’re probably shouting at your monitor right about now, but it’s something that has to be done if you’re going to be successful as a “web-lackey”.
Ever found yourself slogging through the worst piece of shit you’ve ever produced online? Something you’d be too embarrased to even show your mother, when finished? Well, if you haven’t, then you’ve never really produced anything of worth anyway and should probably start scanning the want-ads under “fry cook” instead of reading this blog, little grasshopper.
My new catch phrase for working on something that’s purely for profit and exquisite torture to build is now going to be “It’s like working on porn!” – and trust me, if you’ve ever worked on porn you will have come to realize just how vapid and unfulfilling that particular brand of design becomes. There’s been many a day where I’d enjoy deleting an entire website from my server, moving to another postal code and changing my phone number. Until I’m able to become “Gardener to the Stars” (my dream job), that’ll never happen, so in the meantime, here’s a few quick tips to wile away the boredom while working on “beer-money drek”.
1. Lie to yourself!
Pretend that this waste of bandwidth you’re currently creating will yield further gobs of cash. Look at it as an “investment” of sorts. Absoltuely ignore the fact that this investment could very well tank and go belly up, but it’ll get you through those hard times of mind-numbing, “Oh, sweet death take me now!!” moments.
2. Procrastinate.
Procrastinating is a wonderful ‘tool’ used by creative types since Homer. (No, not Simpson…dipshit…) If it’s good enough for Homer, it’s good enough for you, fat-head! Just remember, eventually – especially if you’ve been handed some form of down-payment – you will have to get to work!
Only use this one in cases where a lengthy or non-existent deadline exists…
3. Automate.
Automate as many tasks as humanly possibly. Use every cheap wysiwyg and thumbnail whosit to knock this fucker out asap! Don’t worry about the client – they have no idea what constitutes an eye-catching, color correct or navigable website anyway. (Oh yeah, and burn that stupid ‘graphic design’ diploma while you’re at it.)
Hmm. Well, that’s it for today kids! I’ve got a meeting this afternoon and I have to get back to work! Hope this helps and tune again next time for another blog entry for “Be Your Own Boss”!
Next: Ignorance is Hell!
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*note: the dopey businessmen referred to in “Be Your Own Boss” are either ones no longer affiliated with me or on their way out the fucking door. Similarities to assholes either you or I know are purely co-incidental.
