Be Your Own Boss - Part 1
In these “digitally savvy” times, everyone on the planet thinks they know something about the Internet and computers. Being a web-designer myself (through various poor life decisions and lack of interest in getting a real job), I have dealt with several types of corporate and independent clients, some of whom for one reason or another just can’t seem to get their shit together.
In the interest of not only blowing off a little steam, but so that I may create a solid plan of attack for one day get some poor slob like myself to make web-sites for me, I’ve put together a little checklist on how to become your own big-wig boss-man through managing your very own personal web lackey.
Here are the Ten Rules of Engagement:
1. Bug the stupid fuck every day and ask him if shit’s done - regardless of agreed upon deadlines or lack thereof…
2. Pay him very little, yet hound him at home all hours of the night, call him on his cell whenever the fancy strikes you and completely disregard regular “working stiff” business hours.
3. Criticize his/her spec work as if they work for you full-time. Sayings such as “Your work is shit compared to this site…” [send URL] should be a part of your daily mantras to the web lackey. Make them re-do layouts over and over again (15 is a good number to keep in mind) quibbling about the most minute detail as if the entire site depended on it.
4. Make him ask you several times for his/her pay - or better yet, say it was sent and forget he asked for it. They won’t bother to match the cheque date against the postmark date! They’re Web Lackeys!
5. Send him personal checks, mis-spell his name or issue it with his personal name on it (not the company name) then fedex it to the wrong address, no matter how many times you’ve asked him for the right fucking one.
6. Give him no direction as to what you really want, use catch phrases that make no sense, like “make it more vibrant”, “I want it to be crisp” or use various food phrasings like “sweeten”, “spicy” or the ultimate vague commentary on all things creative; “sexy”. Really, anything that starts with an “S” should mean you’re on the right track.
7. Give him the hope that you’ve got another great project in the hopper then don’t call him for months and forget you even mentioned the project. (Once you do finally call him, make sure that what you need done must be done that day.)
8. Make sure all projects commence and end on a Friday by or on 5PM. The more pressure you apply to this “deadline” the better. Who needs to organize anything on Monday when there’s a full weekend in front of you on Friday? As well, regarding work week calls, only call your web designer after you’ve done all your work for the day. The optimum time to get your lackey to start a job is around 3:52PM, after he’s been well rested from a day of doing nothing but waiting for your call.
9. Rarely, if ever commend him for his hard work. If you really must compliment the web lackey, make sure you stomp all over that praise the following day, once your chiropractor or your mechanic’s cousin has had a look at your web site and given their informed opinion.
10. Never betray the fact that you could care less about the toil and/or helpfulness of your Web Lackey and never admit to yourself how selfish, stupid and greedy you are in your quest to squeeze every dime out of this chaotic machine called the Internet.