I have this friend named Kirby.

He’s pretty much got a lingo all his own. There’s no miraculous coinage happening within it, as it’s the subtlety in pitch and delivery of the words that’s important here.

After a while, most people start assimilating his catchy phrases.
Here’s a choice sampling and then you can go look at his minimalist blog by clicking on the quite accurate self-portrait I’ve included here.

“what the”

Ordinarily, I would put a question mark or an ellipsis then a question mark after the “what the”, but I have been sternly warned against doing so by Kirby’s girlfriend. This is a no-no apparently. In any case, “what the” is a reaction to a comment from your foolhardy friend that contains something shocking, embarrassing or just plain stupid.

“whaddayameeean?”

This one is fairly similar to “what the”, but more emphatic. It’s used, more often than not, in a situation where you cannot believe what is unfolding. Let’s say I told Kirby he was going drinking. Then on the heels of this statement, I told him we were going to a bar he reviled. He would say, “whaddyameeean?”. When you say this, it’s important to drag out the “eeean” at varying degrees for added effect, depending on how hellish the situation is.

“lord”, “christ”, “god”, “cripes”
or other semi-expletives of a religious nature.

These are typed in lower-case on messengers online and should be used in the same exasperated, beaten tone when used vocally. Try not to put much effort into their use. They aren’t shouted but more like mutterings under ones breath with a tinge of cynicism for the over-all effect.

“Hey! You’re Famous!”

While out with friends, point at a less fortunate slob than anyone at your table, or some homely lout in the local entertainment rag and direct this masterpiece comment, from childhood, to the one sitting next to you. If using a live shill, it’s key not to let the scapegoat overhear your exclamation as it’s intended victim is the “famous” one you’ve spoken this phrase to.

(When I was younger, I believe the origin of this one stems back to one pointing out a dishevelled bag-lady and exclaiming “Hey! There’s your mom!”, or directing attention to some half-asleep drunk in the gutter and saying “Hey! There’s your dad!”, but being the nice guy good ole’ Kirb is, he’s cleaned it up for modern usage.)

I’ve included this small smattering of “kirbspeak” here on my blog, but due to outside pressure I really cannot reveal any more at this time. You’ll have to go to Kirby’s blog to find out more about this Oiseaux Exotique!

Huzzah!

image >:) www.frightenstein.com

The search for a Canadian Legend…

For literally years now, I have been coddling a pet project of mine which seems to be a complete washout or better yet, a mystery pie with a crust full of either backstabbing hatred, cheapness or both. My miserable attempts to bring back to life a television show loved by many, has been almost as frustrating as the Count’s numerous attempts to shock “Brucie” back into existence in the lab of Castle Frightenstein.

This little blog entry concerns a Canadian classic children’s television show on par with “Sesame Street”, or at the very least “The Electric Company”. Nay, let me amend that. It was better than both combined.

The seventies, for me, was a time of cheap horror comic books and “Wacky Packages” bubblegum cards.

Taxes, divorce and various other incendiary and horrifying realities of adulthood had not yet emblazoned my, then, tender, pre-teen mind. It was a time of kissing in the dark with girls and Saturday morning cartoons.

I wasn’t so big on “Scooby Doo” and “Josie and the Pussycats”, but there was one show I could not live without on those pajama-clad, cereal bowl-in front of the tee vee mornings…

I am speaking, of course, about the Hamilton, Ontario produced schlock-fest, “Hilarious House of Frightenstein”.

All of my friends at that time, thought “Hilarious House of Frightenstein” was the greatest show on earth. A “children’s” program set in an imaginary castle inhabited by thirteen horror stereotypes, the majority of which were played by the late, great Billy Van.

For a full synopsis and show structure head on over to www.frightenstein.com. The only existing site dedicated to this odd and wonderful little gem.

Anyway, somewhere around 2000, I called up Billy Van at his talent agency to pitch him an idea regarding the show he appeared to be so much a part of. To my disbelief, he actually agreed to have lunch with me down the street at Mel’s, a local delicatessen. As I walked up to the Deli, I saw him standing out front, calmly smoking. His hair was much whiter than I had imagined it to be (even though I had seen him through the years in the shows, ” Hudson Brothers Comedy Hour”, “The Sonny and Cher Show”, “Party Game” (another CHCH Hamilton production), “Bizarre” and various others. He was smiling and seemed to be a very gregarious man. He wasn’t some big film star, but he was enough of a star in my eyes that I was humbled that he would just meet some weirdo that called him about a wacky idea he said he had.

We entered the restaurant and out to the patio area. I sat down in front of the man that had mesmerized me as a child. After shaking hands, I reiterated a story about how when he played “The Librarian” on the show, my brother would start crying because he was so frightened by his portrayal. I refused to change the channel at my brother’s behest, even with my mother shouting from the kitchen to do so. I couldn’t (gasp!) miss my show. It’s not like my brother couldn’t leave the fucking room, anyway.

Mr.Van seemed pleased with the story and we ordered our lunch. After we ordered - I can’t recall what Mr. Van ordered - but he then asked me if we could smoke there. I told him yes and he grumbled about how “you can’t smoke anywhere in this fucking city anymore…”. It was so surreal. Here I was having lunch with the “Count” - refusing to ask him to do an imitation at my friends cajoling - and he just said the word “fuck”. So odd and yet he became “real” to me, at that point. A person, not just a cartoon character figment of my childhood imagination.

- End Part One
- Part Two Can Be “Found Here”:http://paranoidcomix.com/joeblog/?p=23.