I have a lot of conversations with my friend “Gjuddy” over MSN and ICQ and sometimes I just like to keep them around to read over and chuckle over them like some gleeful idiot later on.

They usually tend to happen early in the morning before I’ve had my coffee and squares, so it’s anybody’s guess as to what my mood could be like. More often than not, my mood tends to run foul and dangerous, but Gjuddy is a good sport and usually takes my horrendous disposition with a grain of salt. Here’s the first installment:

Gjuddy McMudd (11:09:57 AM):
haha…some loser has already been taken away from the Stones concert site due to intoxication

BuCkSaTaN>:) (11:10:17 AM):
And it hasn’t even started.
BuCkSaTaN>:) (11:10:27 AM):
Like that idiot would have lasted the entire concert…
Gjuddy McMudd (11:10:28 AM):
haha
Gjuddy McMudd (11:10:46 AM):
my neighbour gave me some tickets if ya want to go
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:11:33 AM):
Ahhhh no thanks. Stuck in a field with 500,000 drunken bums? I think not.
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:11:42 AM):
GAVE EH?
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:11:45 AM):
I doubt it
Gjuddy McMudd (11:11:56 AM):
ya, gave
Gjuddy McMudd (11:12:20 AM):
he stuck them to his door before he left for work and called me to tell me they were there
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:12:33 AM):
Yeah right.
Gjuddy McMudd (11:12:39 AM):
why would you doubt that
Gjuddy McMudd (11:13:01 AM):
you think i’d buy them…and then not go
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:13:08 AM):
The note also said - go into my fridge there’s lots of beers - and my wife is upstairs naked on the bed.
Gjuddy McMudd (11:13:23 AM):
ohhhh…she’s got rather large breasts as well
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:14:02 AM):
ooooh boyyyy
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:14:46 AM):
This is lamer than your Miss Nude Black Pagent joke…
Gjuddy McMudd (11:15:23 AM):
I’m not kidding
Gjuddy McMudd (11:15:25 AM):
loo
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:16:02 AM):
Why would someone just GIVE you Stones tickets?
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:16:09 AM):
It doesn’t make sense!
Gjuddy McMudd (11:16:19 AM):
yes and he probably got them from work and doesn’t want to..or can’t go
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:16:32 AM):
Hi - I have some tickets. I’d rather go to work than the Stones so I’ll paste them to my door for my neightbour.
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:16:33 AM):
GAY!
Gjuddy McMudd (11:16:45 AM):
hoo boy
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:16:46 AM):
hahahaha
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:16:50 AM):
So are you going?
Gjuddy McMudd (11:16:55 AM):
ok, yer right…it’s all a big joke
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:17:12 AM):
Are you going?
Gjuddy McMudd (11:17:13 AM):
going…how can i go without any tickets
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:18:10 AM):
Maybe he was hoping that someone would STEAL them from his door before you got there - or blow away because he hates the Stones so much.
Gjuddy McMudd (11:18:57 AM):
or he’s working
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:19:01 AM):
So what are you going to do with these…tickets (wink wink) anyway?
Gjuddy McMudd (11:19:17 AM):
as far as i know they’re still taped to his door
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:19:36 AM):
Wow!
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:19:39 AM):
Really??
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:19:46 AM):
Come on….
Gjuddy McMudd (11:19:50 AM):
ya
Gjuddy McMudd (11:19:54 AM):
lemme check
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:19:55 AM):
Someone could just walk up and steal them!!
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:20:07 AM):
Then go to the Stones! You better get them!!
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:20:43 AM):
No offense, but is your neighbour HALF RETARDED?
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:21:28 AM):
Are you living in such a nice neighborhood that someone can leave Stones tickets just “taped” to a door for all to see?
Gjuddy McMudd (11:21:53 AM):
yep, they’re still there
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:21:57 AM):
I mean, your stereo got lifted from your car… and this guy leaves STONES TICKETS taped to his door??!
Gjuddy McMudd (11:22:13 AM):
they’re only 20 bucks to buy them
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:22:20 AM):
This is all some crazy joke to get me riled up at the actions of suburbanites…
Gjuddy McMudd (11:22:25 AM):
hahaa
Gjuddy McMudd (11:22:29 AM):
I knid you nit
Gjuddy McMudd (11:22:36 AM):
nice…I kid you not
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:22:45 AM):
Yeah I guess. I throw 40 bucks out my window everyday. In fact, I tape it to my door to see if anyone will take it.
Gjuddy McMudd (11:22:59 AM):
he probably got them from work
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:23:03 AM):
I knid you nit…hahaha
Gjuddy McMudd (11:23:06 AM):
he works at the Toyota plant
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:23:22 AM):
And that’s supposed to make up for a stunt like this?
Gjuddy McMudd (11:23:25 AM):
man, it’a already packed
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:23:36 AM):
I know. They’re basically useless now.
Gjuddy McMudd (11:23:43 AM):
there ya go
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:24:13 AM):
He should have just thrown 40 dollars out the window - or better yet, tossed it in the glove box of one of the cars on the line. …You know this guy I imagine then…
Gjuddy McMudd (11:25:25 AM):
ya, he lives right next door
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:26:01 AM):
Who cares about the Stones. I have a bad feeling about this - like the Altamont of the thousands. You don’t stick half a million in a concert and expect happy times man.
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:26:23 AM):
Fuck that. Whoever goes to that thing is a big loser in my books.
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:26:25 AM):
hahaha
Gjuddy McMudd (11:26:44 AM):
haha
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:26:50 AM):
A bunch of bikers are gonna shoot some guy through the eye. You watch pally.
Gjuddy McMudd (11:26:59 AM):
through the eye
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:27:08 AM):
And then SARS will be forgotten all right…
Gjuddy McMudd (11:27:37 AM):
I think it would be cool to live beside the venue…sit out in your backyard and watch the show
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:27:52 AM):
Sacrifice ONE for the MANY! That was the goal all along - they need a sacrificial lamb!
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:28:06 AM):
Yeah - that’d be ok - but noisy.
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:29:48 AM):
But at this thing - fuck, if they’re dragging drunken losers away now - just think what the rednecks and mulletheads will be pulling by showtime.
Gjuddy McMudd (11:30:10 AM):
and there’s like…fifty beer tents
Gjuddy McMudd (11:30:40 AM):
boob….
BuCkSaTaN>:)(11:30:41 AM):
Rolling around in pigshit, pukin’ on their fellow man, fights, stupidity… ohhh yeahhh I am so there. Get those tix and let’s split DUDE!
Gjuddy McMudd (11:31:33 AM):
ya

From what I know, my old pal Ben has turned over a new leaf and for that I am happy. He was in a rough state for some time and according to his old blog, his life is much better now. Now, in light of his new beginning, I hope his blind rage and humor hasn’t abated too much since, it is my belief, that the funniest of people use anger as a springboard for their humor.

Without it, we’d all be fans of Sinbad or Carrot Top, or favor witty little puns over humor with depth and truth.

So, without further ado, I present an old entry of his from EarthLunk - a tirade of sarcasm and obscenity in one long-ass, concentrated free-form rant. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll be horrified by it’s brutal frankness.

——-

I have to say that today I am fucking miserable, totally fucking miserable. I had a banner weekend with Marcel and the shadow peeps. I even got to spend some time with Aphrodite (the girl mentioned in the section I deleted, too bad for you!) and if what happened is any indication of what’s to come I am very excited, she is so hot. Anyway, my sister blind sided me coming in the door the other night and went fucking ballistic on me. I was a little buzzed otherwise I think I would have maced her or something. I still don’t know why, and at this point I don’t really care, but it happened so I am leaving.

I worked a bit with Marcel today, well not really work, mostly drove around buying shit, but it made me realize that I REALLY don’t like doing anything other than whatever it is I really want to do. Most would say that this is a fact of life but I am afraid I am not going to accept that so easily. I am so tired right now but I am waiting on Aphrodite to call because she said she was going to slip away for a while and sneak over here. However its almost 9 and she hasn’t called yet and I suspect if she did my niece wouldn’t give me the phone anyway, so now its one more thing to be fucking pissed about. It must be a planetary thing because Marcel is miserable right now as well. It’s times like this when I like to sit back and put things in perspective by reflecting on all the things I love vs hate. Since Im in such a foul mood I think the hates will be easier to start with. This might take a while…..

I hate all these god damned animals around me. I hate heating with wood. I hate those stupid ad signs on the side of the road. I hate bad boob jobs and girls whose breath always seems to smell like sour milk. I hate people who feel the need to hit you and jab you in some manner whenever they are trying to illustrate a point. I hate the Jesus fish. I hate radicals of any kind, fitness, religious, environmental, and most of all feminists. I hate going into fast food restaurants to order food. I hate getting my hair cut in a salon. I hate malls. I hate fitness gurus. I hate my ex girlfriend Melissa. I hate splinters. I hate humidity. I hate rich people when Im poor and poor people when Im rich. I hate people touching my neck. I hate being single. I hate having a girlfriend. I hate southern comfort. I hate coffee shop dwellers. I hate frat boys. I hate people who listen to ‘whatever is on the radio’. I hate dial up internet. I hate teenagers. I hate people who tell me things I already know but don’t shut their fucking mouths long enough for me to tell them I already know what they are talking about. I hate people who constantly ask ‘what’s wrong?’. I hate people who are uncomfortable about silence. I hate not getting my phone messages. I hate people who say ‘Hello? Pick up the phone! Hello Hello Hello!’ when they get my voice mail (answering machines are a thing of the past friend, step into the 90’s). I hate people who get annoyed when I don’t answer my cell phone. I hate people who don’t answer their cell phones when I know perfectly well they are there. I hate cops. I really fucking hate cops. I hate Dewey Chappell and Richard Oakley. I hate persistant drunks. I hate people who tell me ‘Dude, call me back when you’re sober’. I hate people who call me Benny, Benji, or Matt. I hate bathroom humor. I hate fags who for some reason cant exist unless everyone around them KNOWS they are a fag. I hate guys who constantly want to tell me about who or how many girls they are nailing , but I love sleeping with their girlfriends. I hate strippers who say ‘Ill be right back’, or ‘How the hell did you find out where I live?!?’. I hate bouncers that eject me. I hate bouncers who don’t eject the people who annoy me or are cooler than me in any way. I hate ‘pockets’ the pimp in Hollywood, Tom Sizemore didnt get your charges cleared you fucking rat! Blow me. I hate people who underline things in books that aren’t school related. I hate people who get fucked over and then use the karmic retribution excuse ‘what comes around goes around’ to cover up the fact that they are a pussy. I hate people that feel the need to repeat something they said because they thought it was funny and I didnt hear them. I hate people who don’t hear me when Im being particularly funny, insightful, or charming (which I usually ams). I hate bad liars. I hate fat people who think they are skinny. I hate station wagons. I hate people who think I’ll love their kids as much as they do. I hate this fixation with things that are corny or juvenile i.e. lunch boxes, sponge bob, power puff girls, etc. I hate the French. I hate people who tell me how exceptionally smart their kid is, I had a fucking parrot who could talk too but if it started screaming or shitting on things I’d throw its ass in a cage and be done with it. I hate people who think snakes are good pets. I hate people who always feel the need to talk to animals in that stupid boo boo woo woo baby voice. I hate that my ex girlfriend Dawn screwed Trent Reznor and his girlfriend. I hate Trent Reznor. I hate that I was almost killed by a cop when I called him up to come to my house and retrieve his drunk wife Victoria who brought me bottles of Bombay Saphire Gin and performed lewd acts with one of her girlfriends on my couch while my roommate and I watched. I hate that the day Victoria left her cop husband she went straight to the bar and hooked up with my room mate and then moved in a week later and had him throw me out. I hate psychotic girlfriends who think that the way to bring sanity and harmony in our home is to get a fucking dog which then becomes as fucked up with anxiety and abandonment issues as they are thereby forcing me to drop two crazy bitches off at the pound. Speaking of crazy girlfriends, I hate the way my ex girlfriend Jessica Gleason squints her eyes when she smiles. Hmm.. Im starting to feel better. I hate losing $500 dollars to my friend Sully when I bet him he couldn’t fuck Jessica in the ass when he came to visit me in Tahoe, I’d kicked her out a week earlier leaving me with a neurotic wolf puppy that I later dumped on two equally neurotic homos in Sacramento, but I love that Sully did it when she was covered in her own vomit and upside down in the shower after getting thrown out of Caesars Palace for being a loud, obnoxious, squinty, bitch. I hate Richard Oakley for trying to send me to prison, but I love Ron Richards for making sure I didnt go. I hate people who call for my niece OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER until I finally answer the phone and they ask ‘Is Jennifer there?’, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK PUNK!?. Speaking of teenagers, I hate that I was too chicken shit to kiss my junior high sweetheart Adrienne Lorenzo who I was madly in love with for all of seventh grade. I hate that I didnt write Adrienne any letters over summer vacation which caused her to run to my best friend Steve Wallace who promptly popped her cherry in an abandoned trailor behind his grandfathers house. I love that the last time I went home I ran into Steve Wallace who was totally strung out from smoking crack with his mom and obviously minutes away from going to prison. I hate that I was expelled from high school because this twit Melissa Sims ate a bottle of Xanax she stole from me when I was passed out on this prostitutes floor, however I love that this crazy girl Desi pushed Melissa’s face through what was thought to be an unbreakable glass door at the high school. I hate that Brian Redy decided to blow a cloud of pot smoke in the hall when we were walking to class causing this ultra-dyke gym teacher Mrs Reilly to have me searched and thrown out of school because I had a pot seed in my pocket, but I love that not long after this psychotic Puerto Rican name Madeline (picture Rosie Perez on crystal meth) beat Mrs Reilly into unconsciousness with a curling iron after Mrs Reilly grabbed her ass in the locker room (NOTE: That was in 1988, since then Brian died in a skiing mishap, Mrs Reilly was fired and prosecuted for forcing the school quarterback to have sex with her repeatedly, and Madeline is probably in a womens prison..Bless her angry little Puerto Rican heart). I hate Jordy and Missy Duren for being the obnoxiously perfect siblings in school, but I love that I had an apartment over their mothers yarn store and it was raided by the police because she and her husband were coercing young boys with cocaine into having sex with Mrs Duren while Mr Duren video taped it (Hmm what was that I said about Karma?). I hate the fact that I didnt catch a second glance in high school from this super hot chick Joni Shriver who everyone was totally hung up on, but I love that I ran into her in our hometown bar years later and we drank so much tequila that Jose Cuervo sent me a thank you card. I also love the fact that she had me drive her to my house in her mothers Volvo, oh and I really love that when she woke up the next day having no clue where she was, she ran out of my house and literally ripped the fucking door knob off my door to get out (I found the knob on the stairs), she even left all her jewelry in my bathroom sink, but you know what I loved the most? Bringing the Jewelry back to my home town bar and leaving it with the bartender to give back to her when she came in again. I hate the fact that Uma Thurman shot me down when I was in 7th grade (she was my step sisters best friend), but I love the fact that the only guy in my home town who can honestly say he fucked her is this greasy jerry springer guest low life who has worked at the gas station in town since he dropped out in 1988. I hate the fact that my hot little Asian sex kitten Anita moved to Connecticut shortly after she discovered how much she loved oral sex , I hate it even more that I discovered she’d found someone else by the rug burns on her back. I hate that I lost my virginity to a pit viper named Sheilah while Metallicas ‘Garage Days Revisited’ was on auto reverse in my tape deck, but I love that she decided to spice it up with some concentrated peppermint oil which provided her with a sensation I imagine to be similar to douching with tabasco sauce. I hate that years later Shielah went on to totally devastate two of my dear friends, but I love what my friend Jon and I did with her and this psychotic nurse Amy after we drank his room mates $300 bottle of scotch, can someone say ‘SWITCH!’. I hate that its now 10:30 and Aphrodite never called. I hate that 3 of the most magnificent people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, died tragic violent deaths. Aly, Mark and Scott I think of you every day, but I love knowing that I have a guardian angel who watches over me and keeps me from serious harm. I hate that 3 of the worst human beings are still walking among the living Richard Oakley, Roland Sarkysian, and Katherine White, you cowardly, thieving, narc, rat, fucks, the only reason you should be alive is to watch everything you love wither and die, we’ll meet again someday. Oh.. And I hate the fact that I have known so many fucking idiots in my life, but I love that everything I’ve said here is true. Wow, I could go on for hours and hours however, I am hating whatever the hell is stuck under my space bar, but Im loving that I feel much, much, better now…. …BELIEVE IN NOTHING, KNOW YOUR ENEMIES….I should mention that I am planning on proving my theory that there is no question in the universe that cannot be answered by lyrics from a TOOL song, so please email any questions you may need help with and I will respond.