Legally Blonde : Red, White and Poo
I really don’t hate the cute-as-a-button Reese Witherspoon. I just hate this fucking movie.
LEGALLY BLONDE 2 (PG-13)
Directed by: Charles Herman-Wurmfeld
(This is the guy who directed “Kissing Jessica Stein?” What the hell happened??)
Written by: Amanda Brown, Eve Ahlert
Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Sally Field, Regina King, Bob Newhart (why?!) and some guy.
Year: 2003
It must have been the holiday-aquired sickness or just pure fatigue that obliterated my senses and led me to believe I could sit through a film that was this lacking in story, character and humor. (Even knowing this was probably the case before I even pressed play on the DVD remote!) It’s absolutely insane that anyone would spend a dime on this crud, and yet there I was, glued, incredulously, to the sounds and colors flitting before my dead eyes, carried through it all by the sheer lazy inability to get off the couch or even press stop on the remote, a mere foot and a half within grasp. That I actually picked it off the shelf at the video store and walked to the cashier with it in some demented haze of insanity or complete loss of reason is bewildering to me.
Reese Witherspoon is planning her wedding, decides to find her chihuahua’s birth parents, so…that…they…may…attend said wedding(!). She hires a private dick and eventually finds her poochies’ mama about to be dissected at the hands of some snot-nosed, bespeckled scientist in the name of cosmetic testing. (Okay, well they didn’t use the word ‘vivisect’ in the film, but you let me worry about the flights of fancy.) Anyway, she manages to procure a job in congress so that she can push a bill through to save her rat-faced pet’s mother.
What kind of jelly-head wrote this idiocy? I feel like a moron just regurigitating it here!
Whatever… fuck the plot - it makes no sense and the jokes fall flat unless you’re some bubble-headed sorority girl on poppers.
Reese Witherspoon is definitely not hard on the eyes, it’s just that she has this queer skeletor-junkie-debutante look that creeps me out occasionally. Her executive producing skills shine through in this baby, though. And her unforgettable scene at the Abe Lincoln memorial is Oscar® worthy considering the context and “plot” of the film. Honestly, all insults aside, I (and I hate to admit this) liked her in “Sweet Home Alabama“.
Luke Wilson plays the omnipresent “doting boyfriend”… of course, I mean… he’s called in this milquetoast ‘perfect boyfriend’ routine in how many films now? Pitiful. His blandness is so engulfing, his acting so utterly stultifying and yet, so mesmerizing, that I forgot what I was watching three times when he was onscreen.
Is it just that actors do throw-away roles like some in-between, part-time, bullshit joe-job to supplement income? Luke Wilson is the king of part-time, bullshit, ding-fuck, doormat, loser boyfriend roles. He should thank Christ he knows Wes Anderson or he wouldn’t have one good film on his CV. Not one! Bottle Rocket. Rushmore. Royal Tenenbaums. The End.
I’m not even gonna start in on Sally Field, because at least she’s paid her dues as an actress. She’s allowed to “guest star” in sitcom pieces of kife like this. It’s her right.
I cannot describe how empty I felt after this movie was over.
It was so slatheringly cute I wanted to smash something after watching it, just to feel alive. It was so fucking stupid I wanted to snap the DVD in half before the “Animal House” style “where are they now” type wrap-up - as if we give a shit about these characters or whether they reach their goals or burst into flame!
Okay, suffice to say, this movie is a piece of dung. As Ivan Alexeev from “Tapeheads” so eloquently phrases it: “Stupid. Inane. Vapid. Mind-rot. Stench. Pabulum.”
Serves me right for not paying attention at the video store.